I've been questioning things lately
I've been wondering about a few things:
1. What specifically about a romantic relationship makes us deal with it differently than a relationship between best friends? To me it seems as if these relationships aren't very different. Some people say the emotional connections are different. I don't know that I buy that though. If Ed were to pass away, I would be devastated. There are suggestions about the physical/sexual aspect involved making things different. Although again, I don't know that this persuades me. To me, if the relationship is a true one, then the Love will be expressed through so many different facets that the sexuality/physical component will simply be one part of a whole. I know with my female best friends, there have been moments where we've done things beyond friendship and yet its because the love is there. In my ideal relationship, I'd want a best friend that I could hold, comfort, and kiss.
2. Do my mistakes actually strengthen me or do they simply make me act in a safer manner? Now this one scares me. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and I like to think that I learn from them as I go. But what if the only thing I learn is what to avoid? What if, on some subconscious level, I've simply been acting as safely as I have learned to? I don't believe that this is the case but, I don't even want to think about the implications if it were to be true. The thing is this: I feel like I've been fighting uphill for most of my life. Some people would say that this belief isn't justified but... they haven't known me through most of my life. I've moved a ton in my life and I've done my best with what I've been given. I was a drug addict who was able to recover. I was a liar who is honest now. I am a thinker turned poet, a fighter turned speaker... I like to think that these changes were made because I understood myself, and my life better... but if I'm just getting safer... then I need something radical in my life to happen again, and I don't want to think about what those things may be.
3. What do you do when you realize you were lonely enough to decieve yourself? I guess this scares me because I was a liar once and I don't want to go back. That's the easiest way to explain it. I find that I have been willing to ignore things I know would be problematic with the last few people I have really liked and that's just bad of me. Shame on me. It does a couple of things that I can see at 4:15am. First, it creates an unrealistic expectation in my mind, an unrealisitic hope if you will, for the relationship to work. Secondly, it really is unfair to the people that I care about. It wasn't right that I ignored things that I didn't like about Francesca because I mostly liked her. It was wrong of me to ignore the inconsistencies I noticed in Amy because I liked how it felt to have someone confide in me. And I feel like I treated Alyssa wrong when I expected her to magically become more like me. She is her and I adore that about her. She'll never think the way I do and that's a good thing. So with those impacts out of the way, I can move further from the jargon (damn Fullerton) and into solutions. I am still working on seeing things without my heart clouding things with its hunger. There is good in this though. I recognize the problem and will work to correct it now. Secondly, my feelings for these people were genuine and I will always feel strongly about them. Some folks are convinced that feelings change over time. While that may be true of you, it certainly isn't true of me. There are parts of me that deeply love Francesca and even Amy. I have no doubts that my friendship with Alyssa will grow into love as well. To me, that's what real friendship involves.
Glad to have gotten all that out. I feel a little better now.
P.S. I have an electronic leash (cell phone) now. If you don't have the number, IM me or email me and I'll give it to you.
1. What specifically about a romantic relationship makes us deal with it differently than a relationship between best friends? To me it seems as if these relationships aren't very different. Some people say the emotional connections are different. I don't know that I buy that though. If Ed were to pass away, I would be devastated. There are suggestions about the physical/sexual aspect involved making things different. Although again, I don't know that this persuades me. To me, if the relationship is a true one, then the Love will be expressed through so many different facets that the sexuality/physical component will simply be one part of a whole. I know with my female best friends, there have been moments where we've done things beyond friendship and yet its because the love is there. In my ideal relationship, I'd want a best friend that I could hold, comfort, and kiss.
2. Do my mistakes actually strengthen me or do they simply make me act in a safer manner? Now this one scares me. I have made so many mistakes in my life, and I like to think that I learn from them as I go. But what if the only thing I learn is what to avoid? What if, on some subconscious level, I've simply been acting as safely as I have learned to? I don't believe that this is the case but, I don't even want to think about the implications if it were to be true. The thing is this: I feel like I've been fighting uphill for most of my life. Some people would say that this belief isn't justified but... they haven't known me through most of my life. I've moved a ton in my life and I've done my best with what I've been given. I was a drug addict who was able to recover. I was a liar who is honest now. I am a thinker turned poet, a fighter turned speaker... I like to think that these changes were made because I understood myself, and my life better... but if I'm just getting safer... then I need something radical in my life to happen again, and I don't want to think about what those things may be.
3. What do you do when you realize you were lonely enough to decieve yourself? I guess this scares me because I was a liar once and I don't want to go back. That's the easiest way to explain it. I find that I have been willing to ignore things I know would be problematic with the last few people I have really liked and that's just bad of me. Shame on me. It does a couple of things that I can see at 4:15am. First, it creates an unrealistic expectation in my mind, an unrealisitic hope if you will, for the relationship to work. Secondly, it really is unfair to the people that I care about. It wasn't right that I ignored things that I didn't like about Francesca because I mostly liked her. It was wrong of me to ignore the inconsistencies I noticed in Amy because I liked how it felt to have someone confide in me. And I feel like I treated Alyssa wrong when I expected her to magically become more like me. She is her and I adore that about her. She'll never think the way I do and that's a good thing. So with those impacts out of the way, I can move further from the jargon (damn Fullerton) and into solutions. I am still working on seeing things without my heart clouding things with its hunger. There is good in this though. I recognize the problem and will work to correct it now. Secondly, my feelings for these people were genuine and I will always feel strongly about them. Some folks are convinced that feelings change over time. While that may be true of you, it certainly isn't true of me. There are parts of me that deeply love Francesca and even Amy. I have no doubts that my friendship with Alyssa will grow into love as well. To me, that's what real friendship involves.
Glad to have gotten all that out. I feel a little better now.
P.S. I have an electronic leash (cell phone) now. If you don't have the number, IM me or email me and I'll give it to you.