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Babes and Bastards - The Interactive Soap Opera
Welcome to the first ever (and probably the last ever) episode of the Internet's one and only Interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and the Bastards!!!
It was a cold night outside, the rain beating against the windows while you and simon cuddled up against each other on the leather couch, moaning and breathing heavily enough to fog up the windows.
You: Oooh yeah I love you, oh yeah that's it, hold on I just need to take these off...
simon: No! No...I can't.
You: Comeon babe, nobody will even know...
simon: It's just...just that...I feel bad.
You: You're worried about mandus aren't you?
simon: I'm not sure, I just...I just feel bad. We have been married for 3 years now, I keep thinking that just because mandus has a problem -
You: A problem? You realised this when? Everyone else has known that mandus has been addicted to lemon cordial for years!
simon: I think that you should leave...
You: Okay, okay fine, I'm going, but don't come running back to me when you realise that you don't want to be with mandus anymore.
Meanwhile, across town in the lemon cordial rehabilitation clinic...
laura: Okay mandus I think you're ready to face the outside world again.
mandus: Really? I'm...I'm cured?
laura: Yes, just remember, that if you are ever in a position where you are tempted by lemon cordial just look the other way. Good luck.
mandus looks extremely happy with themselves and heads out of the clinic beaming. From the darkness appears andrew carrying a bundle of cash.andrew hands it over to laura and they shake hands.
andrew: Thankyou SO much, I am so greatful.
laura: No, no, the pleasure is ALL mine trust me. Could I possibly ask why it is that you wanted me to rig mandus's recovery so soon?
andrew looks uncomfortable and frowns.
laura: Well?
andrew: You'd probably just laugh, it's just that...well...since mandus has been in here katz and simon have been getting really close...TOO close.
laura: And?
andrew: Do I need to spell it out for you? I'm in love with katz.
Meanwhile, pippa groans from a hospital bed across the other side of town. pippa was rushed to hospital only minutes earlier.
Doctor: pippa I'm sorry but the news isn't good...
pippa: Just give it to me straight Doc. I can take it.
Doctor: You are suffering very badly from frostbite. You probably have a few days to live at most.
pippa: Oh no Doc! Oh no! What am I going to do?
Doctor: If there's any unfinished business that you have to attend to I recommend that you do it soon. Very soon.
pippa: Thankyou Doctor, yes, I think that there is.
pippa rises from the bed and makes for the door. Meanwhile, laura sits poised over a table, in front of them sits a piece of paper on which is written lemon cordial and below it an image of what the word represents...
laura: (cackling evilly) If this doesn't get mandus to snap then nothing will. All I need is for mandus to recieve this fax and then, driven to an insane rage by their addiction to take it out on katz...mwa-ha-ha.
laura walks over to the fax machine and sends the page to simon and mandus's house.
Meanwhile, you have just returned home to find andrew waiting at your door.
andrew: Hey...
You: Umm...hi...what can I do for you?
andrew: I was wondering if we could talk...and maybe eat some cheese off each other...
You: I'm not so sure that that would be a good idea, you see I'm trying to -
andrew: mandus was released from rehab today.
You: Oh?
andrew:Uh-huh...so you may as well give up on simon...but I'm here so...
You: Eat cheese off each other did you say?
andrew: Oh yeah.
You: Won't you come in?
Meanwhile, pippa pulls into simon's driveway and rushes to the door.
pippa: simon please come out, I really need to speak to you!
simon: pippa is that you? What are you doing here? It's...like 3 in the morning...
pippa: I'm...I'm dying. I've been diagnosed with frostbite.
simon:Oh my God... pippa I'm sorry...does katz know?
pippa: No, I didn't have time, I had to come and see you to...well...
simon: Yes?
pippa: I had to tell you that I'm in love with you, I know it didn't work out all those years ago and we had to keep the baby a secret...but now I'm sorry that we put it up for adoption, I'm sorry that I left you...I NEED you simon.
simon: Shh, we promised never to speak of that. You should probably go, get some sleep...
Meanwhile, mandus slides around the back of the house, believing that they have been cured of their addiction to lemon cordial, ready to surprise simon. As mandus passes through the study they notice that a fax is coming through and stop to read it. At once, mandus's body contorts and begins to spasm...it is then that they hear the voices of simon and pippa talking at the front door. This sends mandus into a fit of jealous rage...
But before we look at what happens there let's come back to laura who is sitting down watching some quality television.
laura: Ahh that's good stuff...
There is a knock at the door.
laura: Who is it?
Voice: Open up, it's the police!
Okay...well now that that is sorted out, let's head back over to your place where...well...
You: Oooh yeah, that's ooh yeah...
andrew: Mmm, yeah, oh yeah, oh...oh God yes...
Hmm, yes well anyway...now back to simon and mandus's house...
pippa: Oof! Oh Jesus, don't hit me, no! Argh!
mandus: (In a flurry of punches and kicks) Take that! And that! And...THAT!
simon: mandus what are you doing out of rehab! What's happening?
mandus: Oh, I'm sorry I got back early! I feel so bad for breaking up your sordid affair with pippa here.
simon: No! Please, pippa's dying!
mandus: You got that right! Lousy piece of shit!
And that, is where we will leave the adventures of our heroes for tonight, but remember to tune in next week for more...no actually that was terrible there probably won't be anymore...of the Internet's one and only interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and Bastards!
Welcome to the first ever (and probably the last ever) episode of the Internet's one and only Interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and the Bastards!!!
It was a cold night outside, the rain beating against the windows while you and simon cuddled up against each other on the leather couch, moaning and breathing heavily enough to fog up the windows.
You: Oooh yeah I love you, oh yeah that's it, hold on I just need to take these off...
simon: No! No...I can't.
You: Comeon babe, nobody will even know...
simon: It's just...just that...I feel bad.
You: You're worried about mandus aren't you?
simon: I'm not sure, I just...I just feel bad. We have been married for 3 years now, I keep thinking that just because mandus has a problem -
You: A problem? You realised this when? Everyone else has known that mandus has been addicted to lemon cordial for years!
simon: I think that you should leave...
You: Okay, okay fine, I'm going, but don't come running back to me when you realise that you don't want to be with mandus anymore.
Meanwhile, across town in the lemon cordial rehabilitation clinic...
laura: Okay mandus I think you're ready to face the outside world again.
mandus: Really? I'm...I'm cured?
laura: Yes, just remember, that if you are ever in a position where you are tempted by lemon cordial just look the other way. Good luck.
mandus looks extremely happy with themselves and heads out of the clinic beaming. From the darkness appears andrew carrying a bundle of cash.andrew hands it over to laura and they shake hands.
andrew: Thankyou SO much, I am so greatful.
laura: No, no, the pleasure is ALL mine trust me. Could I possibly ask why it is that you wanted me to rig mandus's recovery so soon?
andrew looks uncomfortable and frowns.
laura: Well?
andrew: You'd probably just laugh, it's just that...well...since mandus has been in here katz and simon have been getting really close...TOO close.
laura: And?
andrew: Do I need to spell it out for you? I'm in love with katz.
Meanwhile, pippa groans from a hospital bed across the other side of town. pippa was rushed to hospital only minutes earlier.
Doctor: pippa I'm sorry but the news isn't good...
pippa: Just give it to me straight Doc. I can take it.
Doctor: You are suffering very badly from frostbite. You probably have a few days to live at most.
pippa: Oh no Doc! Oh no! What am I going to do?
Doctor: If there's any unfinished business that you have to attend to I recommend that you do it soon. Very soon.
pippa: Thankyou Doctor, yes, I think that there is.
pippa rises from the bed and makes for the door. Meanwhile, laura sits poised over a table, in front of them sits a piece of paper on which is written lemon cordial and below it an image of what the word represents...
laura: (cackling evilly) If this doesn't get mandus to snap then nothing will. All I need is for mandus to recieve this fax and then, driven to an insane rage by their addiction to take it out on katz...mwa-ha-ha.
laura walks over to the fax machine and sends the page to simon and mandus's house.
Meanwhile, you have just returned home to find andrew waiting at your door.
andrew: Hey...
You: Umm...hi...what can I do for you?
andrew: I was wondering if we could talk...and maybe eat some cheese off each other...
You: I'm not so sure that that would be a good idea, you see I'm trying to -
andrew: mandus was released from rehab today.
You: Oh?
andrew:Uh-huh...so you may as well give up on simon...but I'm here so...
You: Eat cheese off each other did you say?
andrew: Oh yeah.
You: Won't you come in?
Meanwhile, pippa pulls into simon's driveway and rushes to the door.
pippa: simon please come out, I really need to speak to you!
simon: pippa is that you? What are you doing here? It's...like 3 in the morning...
pippa: I'm...I'm dying. I've been diagnosed with frostbite.
simon:Oh my God... pippa I'm sorry...does katz know?
pippa: No, I didn't have time, I had to come and see you to...well...
simon: Yes?
pippa: I had to tell you that I'm in love with you, I know it didn't work out all those years ago and we had to keep the baby a secret...but now I'm sorry that we put it up for adoption, I'm sorry that I left you...I NEED you simon.
simon: Shh, we promised never to speak of that. You should probably go, get some sleep...
Meanwhile, mandus slides around the back of the house, believing that they have been cured of their addiction to lemon cordial, ready to surprise simon. As mandus passes through the study they notice that a fax is coming through and stop to read it. At once, mandus's body contorts and begins to spasm...it is then that they hear the voices of simon and pippa talking at the front door. This sends mandus into a fit of jealous rage...
But before we look at what happens there let's come back to laura who is sitting down watching some quality television.
laura: Ahh that's good stuff...
There is a knock at the door.
laura: Who is it?
Voice: Open up, it's the police!
Okay...well now that that is sorted out, let's head back over to your place where...well...
You: Oooh yeah, that's ooh yeah...
andrew: Mmm, yeah, oh yeah, oh...oh God yes...
Hmm, yes well anyway...now back to simon and mandus's house...
pippa: Oof! Oh Jesus, don't hit me, no! Argh!
mandus: (In a flurry of punches and kicks) Take that! And that! And...THAT!
simon: mandus what are you doing out of rehab! What's happening?
mandus: Oh, I'm sorry I got back early! I feel so bad for breaking up your sordid affair with pippa here.
simon: No! Please, pippa's dying!
mandus: You got that right! Lousy piece of shit!
And that, is where we will leave the adventures of our heroes for tonight, but remember to tune in next week for more...no actually that was terrible there probably won't be anymore...of the Internet's one and only interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and Bastards!