I'm insane
Ugh.
This thing with Christine wont just die.
It feels like one of those long drawn out endings
where you don;t even really LIKE the other person anymore
but for some reason you still hang out with them
Like your at the point where every thing they do reminds you
of all their flaws. And you know the other person well enough to see
through all their " Noble" intentions. Their reconciliation attempts.
I just want it to end. Its like with Kohl's. Where i told them 3 times i quit and they
kept scheduling me, well i keep telling her our friendship is fucked and
its bouncing off her ear drum.
tonight i think she FINALLY realized how fucked up it all is.
I hate to say it, but i am becoming unattached to my life. It took becky to make me
realize it, and Christine (suprising that she made me realize this) made me see
how closed off i am.
I am so open and friendly, i make tons of friends in Richmond, i go
to parties there is a dude who wants to date me.... but i don't really connect with it.
I stand back and look on it as if its a dream. The Crash doesn't feel like it really happened at all,
I'm completely disconected from it. and i also sort of... silence myself.
When i was at stines b-day i... didn't want to be there. I wanted to smoke and leave. But i stayed
because Stine wanted me to, but i didn't interact with anyone. And when i got home...i had almost
forgotten i had even gone.
I can't seem to connect my own life with myself. It doesn't even feel like those are MY friends...
Its like they are someone elses. Hell, i can't even bring myself to bother to learn this dudes name
who is crushing on me. I take sleeping pills to force myself into unconciousness, and i have horrific nightmares.
and they are always me gaining powers of some nature...and becoming horribly evil. and i know i would.
and i know i wouldn't care. as unthinkingly as you flip a lightswitch i would Kill becky in my dreams. no backward glance
no phrase or anything significant. flick of the wrist she's dead.
and yet... i don't really feel that. I'm becoming emotionally stagnant. I don't even really hate anymore.
I'm becoming something i don't really understand. I suppose one of the reasons i don't talk about
my life is i look at it and see nothing significant, nothing at all. nothing monumental or worth mentioning-
but it might just be because i forget it. I forget to bring up that I'm in a Gallery, That I have a boyfriend, That i made it into the hardest major to get into at VCU during the hardest semseter in the schools history. That I am bring asked to do a double major. I know all of this, and i can't feel accomplised. I'm a published author but i don't tell anyone about it. No one knows really, because it feels like someone else did it. and now half the time i am somewhere
I look up and wonder why i am there- why did i come? - how long have i been there? - who did i come with?
This post is the most i've ever spoken on the matter. And by tomarrow i won't feel its significance anymore and it wont bother me. hell, give me five min of closed comp and its gone.
Apparently i told stine 2 weeks ago we weren't friends, she asked about it and i just blew her off, having forgotten the whole thing
it being about as significant as stepping on a rock.
and that shouldn't be. But it was.
I think i need a shrink
This thing with Christine wont just die.
It feels like one of those long drawn out endings
where you don;t even really LIKE the other person anymore
but for some reason you still hang out with them
Like your at the point where every thing they do reminds you
of all their flaws. And you know the other person well enough to see
through all their " Noble" intentions. Their reconciliation attempts.
I just want it to end. Its like with Kohl's. Where i told them 3 times i quit and they
kept scheduling me, well i keep telling her our friendship is fucked and
its bouncing off her ear drum.
tonight i think she FINALLY realized how fucked up it all is.
I hate to say it, but i am becoming unattached to my life. It took becky to make me
realize it, and Christine (suprising that she made me realize this) made me see
how closed off i am.
I am so open and friendly, i make tons of friends in Richmond, i go
to parties there is a dude who wants to date me.... but i don't really connect with it.
I stand back and look on it as if its a dream. The Crash doesn't feel like it really happened at all,
I'm completely disconected from it. and i also sort of... silence myself.
When i was at stines b-day i... didn't want to be there. I wanted to smoke and leave. But i stayed
because Stine wanted me to, but i didn't interact with anyone. And when i got home...i had almost
forgotten i had even gone.
I can't seem to connect my own life with myself. It doesn't even feel like those are MY friends...
Its like they are someone elses. Hell, i can't even bring myself to bother to learn this dudes name
who is crushing on me. I take sleeping pills to force myself into unconciousness, and i have horrific nightmares.
and they are always me gaining powers of some nature...and becoming horribly evil. and i know i would.
and i know i wouldn't care. as unthinkingly as you flip a lightswitch i would Kill becky in my dreams. no backward glance
no phrase or anything significant. flick of the wrist she's dead.
and yet... i don't really feel that. I'm becoming emotionally stagnant. I don't even really hate anymore.
I'm becoming something i don't really understand. I suppose one of the reasons i don't talk about
my life is i look at it and see nothing significant, nothing at all. nothing monumental or worth mentioning-
but it might just be because i forget it. I forget to bring up that I'm in a Gallery, That I have a boyfriend, That i made it into the hardest major to get into at VCU during the hardest semseter in the schools history. That I am bring asked to do a double major. I know all of this, and i can't feel accomplised. I'm a published author but i don't tell anyone about it. No one knows really, because it feels like someone else did it. and now half the time i am somewhere
I look up and wonder why i am there- why did i come? - how long have i been there? - who did i come with?
This post is the most i've ever spoken on the matter. And by tomarrow i won't feel its significance anymore and it wont bother me. hell, give me five min of closed comp and its gone.
Apparently i told stine 2 weeks ago we weren't friends, she asked about it and i just blew her off, having forgotten the whole thing
it being about as significant as stepping on a rock.
and that shouldn't be. But it was.
I think i need a shrink