(no subject)
lately i feel like i'm just endlesly waiting for my number to be called. and i just keep waiting and waiting. but for what? i think that there is some sort of epiphany that is going to change my life and make me realize what this is all for. but i don't think its coming. so i wait. is my mind half full or half empty. i just don't know anymore. tonight is the ring of fire at the lake. tonight used to be my favorite night of the year. better than christmas, better than my birthday. but now it just depresses me. it makes me think about how different everything is, how different i am. nothing has been the same since my grandma died. she was the fucking glue. and now it seems everyone is falling apart. its just sort of pathetic. we go and sit around a tiny fire with 3 lonely flares and eat our bag of twizzlers and act happy when we all are just hurting so much and wishing things were how they used to be. it just makes me so sad to think that my brother was born into a numb family. we all used to be so alive and so vibrant. now we're just uncomfortable nothingness. i wish ian could have had the childhood i had (for the most part). he has so much spirit. i don't want him to ever face the harsh realities the rest of his family is facing. we all need each other so much, yet all we do is push each other away. i don't expect anyone else to understand this, and if while you're reading you think i'm just another sob story then you can fuck off.
kp
kp