I feel weird.

[xkatenessx]

I can't figure out if I feel non-existant, or aware of my existance. I know, that sounds like something you'd think I would just feel one way or the other about, but...I just can't figure it out.  Most times, I'll have a moment where all of a sudden I become incredibly aware of my existance, in the world, and in the universe. And I always get this horribly out of place feeling.  I feel alone, because I think of all the people who are living their pointless little lives, who are so unaware.  They just don't understand.  I really don't know why I feel so weird and out of place to be aware...the only time I really understand it is when it hits me.  But then this weekend...I was sitting down in the family room with my parents, watching tv [I think I was reading] and I watched dad get up...and I all of a sudden thought what if we really don't exist?  I tried to prove my existence...I'm conciouse of my being, therefore I must be.  Nope...grass, as far as I know, is not concious, nor is a rock...but both of them "exist" as much as I do.  What I can see exists? No because i can't even see outside this room...but the rest of my house still exists around it. I think.

So then today I was laying on my bed...with my homework on my stomach...no music, no tv, just my thoughts, which are so incredibly loud inside my head, I couldn't possibly concentrate on my tree disease assignment.  All of a sudden I felt like If i were to just stop picking my nail polish at that very moment, I would vanish. Like...I knew that everything in the room was so balanced that if i were to just stop that one imbalance, the room would collapse into nothing. But that doesn't even make any sense. lol.

I think I'm in a transitional period in my life. I believe that is why I feel so..."depressed".  Sometimes change is just difficult. But always necessary.