(no subject)
Feeling all mixed up right now. One foot is in the past, the other is in the future. Yes, you guessed it, I've been pissing on the present.
Anxiety, depression, binge eating, purging, overexercising, under exercising, bloated, hungry, tired, restless...These things have followed me around for a good ten years now...
I feel hopeless. At the same time, something tells me to get up and keep going. But I'm at a loss. I set out to get rid of so much shit a few weeks ago-amusing as it is, my clean-up mission was sparked by a short bout of an online dating experiment. "Who am I representing? How have I changed? What do I need? What do I not need?" Mostly, "what do I want my living space to say about me?" There goes the pirate flag hanging over my window, goodbye stuffed animals (seriously!), and pretty much anything that had dust on it/a cartoon character on it was promptly thrown in a box and placed in my storage unit. I've spent the last 4 hours rifling through said storage unit, throwing out plenty of trash, old receipts, dirty clothes, forgotten trinkets, Christmas decorations, etc. What am I preparing for? I guess I'm fantasizing about walking away from it all. Move away to a deserted place, live simply, work on an organic farm. I know plenty of friends that are involved in the WWOOF organization, a world wide organization that is comprised of thousands of farms and farmers/volunteers networking together. The farms I am mostly interested in are located in Hawaii and are pretty simple-you work for 2-6 hours a day and are given a place to live and food to eat. Perhaps I have totally lost it. I'd like to say I have thrown my hands in the air and caution to the wind but that is not entirely true. I start @ UT in a week, I'll only be at Whole Foods 3 days a week, I'm "working towards my future." Perhaps I've been watching too many things like "No Impact Man", "Out of the Wild", and reading things like "The Food Revolution", all centered around questioning the norm, questioning our lifestyles full of waste, greed, unhappiness, gluttony, and complexity.
I just feel so stuck. Must work, must go to school, must get a career. I don't like playing this game. Do the means justify the ends? Will I find out too late?
I started sorting through boxes upon boxes of old clothes with the intention of getting rid of them, thus giving myself more space, less clutter, more room to think and live clearly. This was definitely not the case. Holding a pair of jeans I wore only once, I am taken back to that time, and with almost all of them I remember still not feeling good about my body. I can't remember the last time I was perfectly happy with my body. It's been well over ten years. This feeling of inadequacy has followed me around, having a roller coaster effect on my emotions and relationships and creating a wedge between myself and the outside world.
I can't remember the last time I was truly happy for a prolonged amount of time. Only short spurts of happiness over trivial things like weight loss or retail therapy.
Getting rid of all of these things, I can't help but think about people who are preparing to kill themselves. A warning sign is an impulse to give away all of their belongings. IDK why I thought about this. Sure I think about killing myself but there's that stupid glimpse of hope that keeps me hanging on for another beating. With that said I don't know if I'll live past 27. I don't think I can take doing all of this over and over for that long.
The only thing keeping me in Austin right now is school. I figure I'll give it a chance before I completely walk away.
Sorting through all that shit, I realized I've felt so few emotions for so many years. I just wanted to feel alive. Feel something. Some kind of emotion. Going through all that stuff only made me feel more depressed. My life has been this way for so long I don't know if it will ever change for good. Where does one go from here? I guess I'll just keep going through the motions, it's the only way I get by now.
Anxiety, depression, binge eating, purging, overexercising, under exercising, bloated, hungry, tired, restless...These things have followed me around for a good ten years now...
I feel hopeless. At the same time, something tells me to get up and keep going. But I'm at a loss. I set out to get rid of so much shit a few weeks ago-amusing as it is, my clean-up mission was sparked by a short bout of an online dating experiment. "Who am I representing? How have I changed? What do I need? What do I not need?" Mostly, "what do I want my living space to say about me?" There goes the pirate flag hanging over my window, goodbye stuffed animals (seriously!), and pretty much anything that had dust on it/a cartoon character on it was promptly thrown in a box and placed in my storage unit. I've spent the last 4 hours rifling through said storage unit, throwing out plenty of trash, old receipts, dirty clothes, forgotten trinkets, Christmas decorations, etc. What am I preparing for? I guess I'm fantasizing about walking away from it all. Move away to a deserted place, live simply, work on an organic farm. I know plenty of friends that are involved in the WWOOF organization, a world wide organization that is comprised of thousands of farms and farmers/volunteers networking together. The farms I am mostly interested in are located in Hawaii and are pretty simple-you work for 2-6 hours a day and are given a place to live and food to eat. Perhaps I have totally lost it. I'd like to say I have thrown my hands in the air and caution to the wind but that is not entirely true. I start @ UT in a week, I'll only be at Whole Foods 3 days a week, I'm "working towards my future." Perhaps I've been watching too many things like "No Impact Man", "Out of the Wild", and reading things like "The Food Revolution", all centered around questioning the norm, questioning our lifestyles full of waste, greed, unhappiness, gluttony, and complexity.
I just feel so stuck. Must work, must go to school, must get a career. I don't like playing this game. Do the means justify the ends? Will I find out too late?
I started sorting through boxes upon boxes of old clothes with the intention of getting rid of them, thus giving myself more space, less clutter, more room to think and live clearly. This was definitely not the case. Holding a pair of jeans I wore only once, I am taken back to that time, and with almost all of them I remember still not feeling good about my body. I can't remember the last time I was perfectly happy with my body. It's been well over ten years. This feeling of inadequacy has followed me around, having a roller coaster effect on my emotions and relationships and creating a wedge between myself and the outside world.
I can't remember the last time I was truly happy for a prolonged amount of time. Only short spurts of happiness over trivial things like weight loss or retail therapy.
Getting rid of all of these things, I can't help but think about people who are preparing to kill themselves. A warning sign is an impulse to give away all of their belongings. IDK why I thought about this. Sure I think about killing myself but there's that stupid glimpse of hope that keeps me hanging on for another beating. With that said I don't know if I'll live past 27. I don't think I can take doing all of this over and over for that long.
The only thing keeping me in Austin right now is school. I figure I'll give it a chance before I completely walk away.
Sorting through all that shit, I realized I've felt so few emotions for so many years. I just wanted to feel alive. Feel something. Some kind of emotion. Going through all that stuff only made me feel more depressed. My life has been this way for so long I don't know if it will ever change for good. Where does one go from here? I guess I'll just keep going through the motions, it's the only way I get by now.