a little story from me to you
room for rent
where: the twilight zone
when: once i have the time, money, and health to move the fuck out
with who: sharon, jerry, 3 cats: jet, dartanion, francis, 2 dogs: dingus and macha. oh! and all of the 2879327423947 fruit flies.
why: because i can't take the filth and craziness any longer!
for only $500 down and $500 a month you too can have your very own bedroom/haven upstairs in our "beautiful 2 story house" and front row seat to the sharon and jerry show! if you're lucky, you might even get a shattered sunroof out of the deal! maybe even on the 2nd day you are moved in! WHATTA DEAL!
but don't believe just me! here is a descrip brought to you courtesy of sharon's post when she bashed me because she "doesn't like confrontation and it's easier to talk shit." straight from the horse's mouth my friends:
"I live in a beautiful 2 story house on the eastside. Me and my roomies are the first people to live in the house after 100k was put into remodeling it. It will be $500/mo plus bills, and a $500 security deposit. I have a dishwasher, washer/dryer, big yard***, central A/C and heat, a big screen TV*, and we are getting DVR and highspeed internet next week. You will get the upstairs room with rooftop access thru your bedroom window (great for picnics and powows)****. You must love animals or at least respect my three cats and two small dogs. When I got home today, I found that my current roommate locked two of my cats in the upstairs bathroom."**
*good luck finding a seat in the living room, maybe if you push the cushions jared sleeps on in the corner as well as move the shotgun you'll be able to squat comfortably.
**which was not true at all
***complete with trash, dead scooters, and 9328743294 rotting moving boxes
****you'll need it to escape the fucking disaster all around you
but if that's not enough, check out the pics!
just to be fair, ill start off with some pics of my room. i did a bit of housekeeping beforehand, but that's nothing out of the normal. as you'll see, i'm not perfect either.
now onto the room i must walk through everyday, jerry's "bedroom"
now onto our BEAUTIFUL living room
so homey! makes you just wanna plop right down and watch some good ol boobtube. that is, if you can find a seat amongst random cushions, blankets, trash, food, cats, shotguns, etc.
but wait! there's more!
if you love eyesores, you'll love this house!!
that tv, swivel chair, and black bag are mine. the rest of the shit in this room and living room? not mine!
you even get your very own bathroom, equipped with cat shit and tumbleweeds made of hair and god knows what. maybe youll even score some gold one day when you hop the shower and find a nugget! it happened to me, it could happen to you too! i guess i shouldnt even mention that 3 cats use this, none of them are mine, and i've cleaned the boxes several times for my own sanity. YAY!
you know, normally i would make the effort to have a clean bathing area. but at this point, i could fuckin careless! yay tumbleweeds!
did i mention this house is a two-in-one? it even doubles as a zoo!
if you aren't satisfied with that bathroom, check out this one!
gosh! decisions, decisions!
note: none of this shit is mine
now check out our BEAUTIFUL deck
don't mind the rugs, they're only out there cuz they were pissed on by one of five animals!
once again, i would make the effort to clean up this shit, but i've already taken it upon myself to remove half of the moving boxes. why should i have to remove ALL of them? fuck it! let em rot!
wouldn't you just love to sit out here on a cool summer's day, sipping your iced lemonade, the sweet smell of dog shit in the air? i know i do!
now onto our BEAUTIFUL backyard
do i need to say anything?
nothing says welcome home like a jumbo sized can of beans and a broken down table!
buyer beware, jerry might get the bright idea of tossin a bottle out of your sunroof! if only it was open all the way. DOUCHE.
back to more of our BEAUTIFUL backyard
restrictions do apply! such as, no nagging your wonderful roommates about their cats' litter boxes that are constantly overflowing with shit, no "omgz rude" text messages asking jerry to cover your broken sunroof because it's raining, no overreacting when the millionth thing of yours gets puked/pissed on/broken, and definitely no confrontation WHATSOEVER cuz omgz there will be a myspace post about it later saying how psychopathic and bipolar you are.
shoot! how could i forget! don't be alarmed if jerry gets upset when his wife sharon spends the night at her boyfriend's house. it's a daily occurance. such a pleasant atmosphere!
well kids, let's not all jump at once!
sincerely,
the psychopathic, bipolar roommate.
ps this isnt even half of it
DO YA FEEL ME?