It's not fair anymore
i don't want it. i don't want to fuck, make love, have sex, whatever you want to call it. i don't want it. i don't want anything anymore. Vaguely, briefly, i might desire something on a whim. And then, a few minutes, half an hour, a couple hours later, i don't want it anymore. It doesn't matter.
i miss being able to make love and then cuddle. It's not fair.
i hate seeing the disappointment on his face.
Did i mention the collar is off for good?
Maybe that's why i'm so numb about everything.
No, i know that's not right. i was numb before that. i've been numb since the last two days of July.
If i could cry, i would, and maybe it would help. i hear him shut the door, and all i do is turn away and walk.
It's not fair. i can't even say that everyone else is happy, because i know they're not. So many people are unhappy, so many people are hurting and upset and angry.
i hate kissing him and then not being able to keep going. i hate hearing him ask me if i'm thinking of someone else. i'm not. i'm not thinking of anyone, of anything, i can't think. Why did i come back?
i'm not happy most of the time, and deliriously overjoyed occasionally, and i'm numb.
i can make him hard, but it doesn't make a difference. Right now, i can feel his hand around my neck, tight, the way he used to do, and that makes me want to cry. When i touch my neck, the collar is gone, that sense of belonging to him is gone, that sense of being owned ... is gone.
Nothing is the same. Everything is changing. i own a car now. my father gave me the car i've been driving. i started classes. i love my English class.
i miss being able to make love and then cuddle. It's not fair.
i hate seeing the disappointment on his face.
Did i mention the collar is off for good?
Maybe that's why i'm so numb about everything.
No, i know that's not right. i was numb before that. i've been numb since the last two days of July.
If i could cry, i would, and maybe it would help. i hear him shut the door, and all i do is turn away and walk.
It's not fair. i can't even say that everyone else is happy, because i know they're not. So many people are unhappy, so many people are hurting and upset and angry.
i hate kissing him and then not being able to keep going. i hate hearing him ask me if i'm thinking of someone else. i'm not. i'm not thinking of anyone, of anything, i can't think. Why did i come back?
i'm not happy most of the time, and deliriously overjoyed occasionally, and i'm numb.
i can make him hard, but it doesn't make a difference. Right now, i can feel his hand around my neck, tight, the way he used to do, and that makes me want to cry. When i touch my neck, the collar is gone, that sense of belonging to him is gone, that sense of being owned ... is gone.
Nothing is the same. Everything is changing. i own a car now. my father gave me the car i've been driving. i started classes. i love my English class.