it is now 2009
last night was new years eve
i spent the night at home
a handful of people i didn't really want to even be around were here
i don't know why, but i wasn't in a real great mood
most of the night was spent in my room, and i was asleep by 12:30
i'm still not, even after going out and spending money frivolously in an attempt to make myself feel happy about something
new clothes, new shoes, new movies, but yet now i'm back at my computer wondering why i'm still feeling this way
my now ex-girlfriend and i broke up about 4 months ago
that was a rocky relationship as you can no doubt tell
she moved back to miami last week. i didn't know until the other day.
she was unable and maybe unwilling to work at being friends
i don't not understand that, but that just sucks
i've been having these dreams lately...
i feel like i'm someone else
i'm still me, but in the dream, me is someone else
living a different life
and it's so fucking real, all the time
breakfast, work, nightlife, sleeping, everything
i think in one of them i even had a family...
the sleeping thing is where it really gets weird
in these dreams of living other lives i'd fall asleep and dream
good dreams, bad dreams, nightmares, the works
i'd have dreams of living OTHER lives sometimes
AND THEY TOO ARE SO FUCKING REAL, ALL THE TIME
i'd wake up in a cold sweat in my dream life and have to seriously wonder whether THESE dreams were real
and then i'd have to deal with my dream life some more
and when i finally wake up in my REAL life, i have to question reality
which one's real?
where was real?
was i real?
was any of that really happening anywhere at anytime?
i'm now 6 months from being 25
that's a quarter of a century
i'd been reading recently that people are having what they call a "quarter life crisis"
which is fucking hilarious to think that the majority of people actually live till their 100
i'm feeling self destructive again
which is REALLY fucking hilarious to think that i could be more self destructive than i already am
i left our flea infested house today so that we could set off flea bombs
i come back 5 hours later with over $200 worth of merchandise that i probably don't need to find out that they had to set off MORE flea bombs
the fumes may be affecting me. can't really be too sure.
i don't know how to describe what i'm feeling anymore, but i'm going to start trying again
i feel an anger so fierce that it makes me want to fight everyone i see, no holds barred, until either they are dead or i am dead
i want to tell everyone to shut the fuck up
i am apathetic and hedonistic and lethargic and unsympathetic
there is a sadness that builds so slowly, as if it were a bucket being dripped into for 4 months
you don't notice it until it's overflowing
i have hope and faith and love and hate and cynicism and a pessimistic view on life and the world around me and the people i encounter
i feel and don't feel, all at the same time
i want to tear it all down and build it all up
i want to hurt everyone and hold everyone
i want to love all of you and hate all of you
i want to delete all of this and never let anyone see it
and i want to send it to everyone that really doesn't know me
i spent the night at home
a handful of people i didn't really want to even be around were here
i don't know why, but i wasn't in a real great mood
most of the night was spent in my room, and i was asleep by 12:30
i'm still not, even after going out and spending money frivolously in an attempt to make myself feel happy about something
new clothes, new shoes, new movies, but yet now i'm back at my computer wondering why i'm still feeling this way
my now ex-girlfriend and i broke up about 4 months ago
that was a rocky relationship as you can no doubt tell
she moved back to miami last week. i didn't know until the other day.
she was unable and maybe unwilling to work at being friends
i don't not understand that, but that just sucks
i've been having these dreams lately...
i feel like i'm someone else
i'm still me, but in the dream, me is someone else
living a different life
and it's so fucking real, all the time
breakfast, work, nightlife, sleeping, everything
i think in one of them i even had a family...
the sleeping thing is where it really gets weird
in these dreams of living other lives i'd fall asleep and dream
good dreams, bad dreams, nightmares, the works
i'd have dreams of living OTHER lives sometimes
AND THEY TOO ARE SO FUCKING REAL, ALL THE TIME
i'd wake up in a cold sweat in my dream life and have to seriously wonder whether THESE dreams were real
and then i'd have to deal with my dream life some more
and when i finally wake up in my REAL life, i have to question reality
which one's real?
where was real?
was i real?
was any of that really happening anywhere at anytime?
i'm now 6 months from being 25
that's a quarter of a century
i'd been reading recently that people are having what they call a "quarter life crisis"
which is fucking hilarious to think that the majority of people actually live till their 100
i'm feeling self destructive again
which is REALLY fucking hilarious to think that i could be more self destructive than i already am
i left our flea infested house today so that we could set off flea bombs
i come back 5 hours later with over $200 worth of merchandise that i probably don't need to find out that they had to set off MORE flea bombs
the fumes may be affecting me. can't really be too sure.
i don't know how to describe what i'm feeling anymore, but i'm going to start trying again
i feel an anger so fierce that it makes me want to fight everyone i see, no holds barred, until either they are dead or i am dead
i want to tell everyone to shut the fuck up
i am apathetic and hedonistic and lethargic and unsympathetic
there is a sadness that builds so slowly, as if it were a bucket being dripped into for 4 months
you don't notice it until it's overflowing
i have hope and faith and love and hate and cynicism and a pessimistic view on life and the world around me and the people i encounter
i feel and don't feel, all at the same time
i want to tear it all down and build it all up
i want to hurt everyone and hold everyone
i want to love all of you and hate all of you
i want to delete all of this and never let anyone see it
and i want to send it to everyone that really doesn't know me