(no subject)
Sometimes I wish I had the things that would make her care about me as much as I care about her. I wish I could do something or say something to her that would let her know that I think she is the most amazing thing on this planet. I wish I met her before, when I didn't look like a fucking complete fuckin slob and before she met those fucking douche bags that treated her so fucking bad. I wish I knew what to do to let her know that I think she is the one thing that I love most about this world and that i think about her constantly and that she is so special that she is the one that makes me the happiest thing on the planet. I wish that she would give me a chance. I wish this every 11:11 i see. everytime I am allowed to wish. I wish she would give me a chance. I would never let her down. I know in my heart that I love her and it has nothing to do with sex. i love her because she is s*&^y. I love her because she is a strong woman, she is a great mother, and she makes me the happiest i've ever been in my entire life. And i get paranoid because I think i'm going to lose her all the time, and i never want that. But in my mind i always have to think what does she think of me? what do we have? we don't have a friendship, she doesn't want to talk about anything meaningful in her life, she doesnt want to hang out with me becasue she's so scared of me for some fucking reason. And its not like i'm going to try anything, or take advantage of her because i'm not like that. If only liked her because of sex or making out, i wouldn't be talking to her now and not care about her as much as I do. She means so much to me because she is her, and there is nobody on this planet that is her. And i'm sorry that I have these feeligns for her. The one thing that i didn't want to do was to have her push away from me. But why does she talk to me? is she using me because of how I feeel about her? does she like me more than I think she does? becsue she doesnt see me as a friend. iF she did, she would be ok to hang out with me, or she woudl be ok to talk to me about anyting. I am so fucking scared that I am going to lose her each and everyday. I can't be without her. I can't. and i'm so sorry that I have these feelings for her. I don't mean to make her life more complicated, I don't want her to hate me because of it. I just don't know what to do with myself everyday. I have people telling me she's no good for me, but I odn't want to believe that. I dont'. I know she's good for me. I don't knwo what to do, and it freaks me out. It makes me scared because its not hard for me to say that i'd give up anything i have for her, i'd do anything for her, anything. I dont want to come off as a psycho, but i love her more than anything. I"ve gone out with girls and have never felt the way I do like I feel about her. ever. She is something I didn't expect, and I don' know what i'd do if I coouldn't talk to her anymore. And i'm scared, and nervous, and I turn into scared nervous freaking out john whenever she is mad at me, and I dont' know how to control my feelings. I just dont know anymore.