(no subject)
Uhh so I suppose I'll sit down and write something here since I really have nothing else to do and getting it all out helps, so they say. So cancer sucks--basically. I mean actually I feel better now than I have all summer since I don't have incredible back pain anymore, which disappeared as soon as I started treatment, which is pretty awesome and makes me feel like I'm getting better. But as much as I feel better in that sense, I feel worse from the chemo--which I mean shouldn't make sense but it does. It's not even that bad, it's just me freaking myself out. I feel so small and fragile and helpless, like I get one fever and it's all over. Which reminds me that my mouth is starting to fall apart which is not good since my medication makes me want to eat all the time....well mostly just Italian food for some reason...and i can not eat cause it hurts too much.
AH I really have not complained at all and it feels good to complain here. I have to be strong because that's who I am and I don't try and get out of anything easy. I do it and it's done. The next six months scare the shit out of me truthfully and I'd rather run away to Canada and forget this is all happening, but one day at a time at the doctors I have to get through. I just wish I didn't have this MASSIVE fear of needles, I mean it's getting better since I have to make myself just get through it since it's the only way to get these drugs into my body but SHIT every time I have to go in for something I freak myself out with the needles. Like I'm having nightmares, in between dreams of Italian food of course, of needles and my body gets all tense and weird feelings when I think about. Ugh. I wish there was an easier way, but there's not.
I miss my friends a lot, and school. I miss learning stuff and having a purpose every day. It feels so wrong for me to be the one sitting here while every one else is doing shit loads of homework..me the motivated one that has wanted to kick my own ass at college for the past 4 years. But as much as I miss every one they're all being amazing. This has really opened my eyes to how amazing my friends are and can be....and of course those that have kind of dropped off the face of the earth in times like these. I just hope I'm letting everyone know that I really do need them even if I seem like I don't need anyone. The people that have stayed around here are going to save me. And speaking of, my family is more than I could ever ask for. As much as my parents are breathing down my neck, they're watching to make sure I'm ok so well and I appreciate that so much. I honestly don't know what I would do if my kid got cancer at 18, I'd feel like I'd failed. And then my sister, so glad she lives close--she has been so great through all of this and I love her more than anything :)
It's really just hard to deal with normal life anymore. I feel like I go somewhere and everyone knows and that they're staring at me. And people and there normal everyday problems just don't do it for me. I want to help them because I know that if my life was normal I'd be bitching about the same shit as them and I'd love to bitch about it...but problems in life seems so trivial and worthless now, I just want to scream at everyone who bitches about their life being shit. Your life is fucking awesome compared to mine. You're healthy, going to school and living like someone who is 18 should. I hate looking at pictures online of everyone, but I love it. Because I miss my fucking life and how it use to be. It's amazing that one year ago was the beginning of senior year with field hockey and the beginning of such a good year. And a good summer, shit I'm so glad I partied the shit out of this summer that I can have something to remember and laugh at.
And I miss eric a lot. Two months tomorrow since he died, crazy. It feels like it's been years, honestly. Ohhh man.
Anywayyyyyy holy shit this was pointless and just me bitching about my life. But hey, it has to happen somewhere right. And no one really reads this anyway. So it's cool. Ah, here we go six months of my life sucking.
AH I really have not complained at all and it feels good to complain here. I have to be strong because that's who I am and I don't try and get out of anything easy. I do it and it's done. The next six months scare the shit out of me truthfully and I'd rather run away to Canada and forget this is all happening, but one day at a time at the doctors I have to get through. I just wish I didn't have this MASSIVE fear of needles, I mean it's getting better since I have to make myself just get through it since it's the only way to get these drugs into my body but SHIT every time I have to go in for something I freak myself out with the needles. Like I'm having nightmares, in between dreams of Italian food of course, of needles and my body gets all tense and weird feelings when I think about. Ugh. I wish there was an easier way, but there's not.
I miss my friends a lot, and school. I miss learning stuff and having a purpose every day. It feels so wrong for me to be the one sitting here while every one else is doing shit loads of homework..me the motivated one that has wanted to kick my own ass at college for the past 4 years. But as much as I miss every one they're all being amazing. This has really opened my eyes to how amazing my friends are and can be....and of course those that have kind of dropped off the face of the earth in times like these. I just hope I'm letting everyone know that I really do need them even if I seem like I don't need anyone. The people that have stayed around here are going to save me. And speaking of, my family is more than I could ever ask for. As much as my parents are breathing down my neck, they're watching to make sure I'm ok so well and I appreciate that so much. I honestly don't know what I would do if my kid got cancer at 18, I'd feel like I'd failed. And then my sister, so glad she lives close--she has been so great through all of this and I love her more than anything :)
It's really just hard to deal with normal life anymore. I feel like I go somewhere and everyone knows and that they're staring at me. And people and there normal everyday problems just don't do it for me. I want to help them because I know that if my life was normal I'd be bitching about the same shit as them and I'd love to bitch about it...but problems in life seems so trivial and worthless now, I just want to scream at everyone who bitches about their life being shit. Your life is fucking awesome compared to mine. You're healthy, going to school and living like someone who is 18 should. I hate looking at pictures online of everyone, but I love it. Because I miss my fucking life and how it use to be. It's amazing that one year ago was the beginning of senior year with field hockey and the beginning of such a good year. And a good summer, shit I'm so glad I partied the shit out of this summer that I can have something to remember and laugh at.
And I miss eric a lot. Two months tomorrow since he died, crazy. It feels like it's been years, honestly. Ohhh man.
Anywayyyyyy holy shit this was pointless and just me bitching about my life. But hey, it has to happen somewhere right. And no one really reads this anyway. So it's cool. Ah, here we go six months of my life sucking.