if thats the way you want it, well there you go.
I really still cannot wrap my brain around the fact that Mary and Alec are getting married next WEEKEND! After knowing them for as long as I have, and after all the things that we/they have been through, I am so happy for them. I also can NOT wait to party at the wedding! Ahhh!
For some strange reason last night I decided to spend an obscene amount of hours reading my journal, starting with November 2006, which was when I was planning for James' surprise birthday party and we were considering getting a Boston Terrier pup. Maybe its because its so far removed now, but its almost funny to me to see how that surprise party was the beginning of the end for James and I, in a sense. It kindof makes me sad to see how hard I took it all, how blindly I was clinging to him/our relationship, and also how quickly I got 'over it' after I moved to Middletown. Nowadays, when I think about that break-up, I don't really view it as a negative. It was for the greater good, even if it was terrible to go through, even if it did fuck me up in the head for a while, and even if I did lose complete faith in James, who I really truly did love a lot. Some of the things that he did to me are almost unforgivable, but I forgave him as a whole a long time ago. I try not to remember the really shitty moments and focus on the many good times that we did have. If anything, reviewing my thoughts from that difficult time can show me that I am resilient, and also that sometimes you really do have to work at something or even fight for it, if it means enough to you.
It also was kindof funny to read about/remember the men of those days, Pat, the dairy dreamboat Mark, and of course Ryan (among others). My feelings for Pat and everything that happened between us sortof healed me in a way, I realized that I still had 'it' and that I needed to start doing things that I wanted to do for myself again, which was almost empowering at the time. Being the 'older woman' with Mark I would say renewed my sassy side a lot, how can you not feel good about yourself when somebody that handsome and deep voiced shows up at your house with a loosened tie, Jurassic Park, and a bag of weed to share with you!? Our secret trist, while short-lived, was fun. Probably mostly because it was secret. And then things started happening with Ryan again, it was a very emotionally confusing time, trying to seperate old and new feelings, trying to just be friends with benefits or whatever you'd like to call it, and getting used to the way things were: emotionally basically being in a long-distance relationship, but not really knowing where I stood at all. Luckily for me, I kept my composure and let things fall into their places naturally, and look how things ended up turning out! It took a little while, but things have definitely worked out for me, at least in some ways.
Re-reading all of the journal entries of course meant re-reading all of the loving comments that I recieved from such gems as Jaclyn, Katie, Jen P, Amanda, and Linz. I really was and still am so lucky to have had the support of such wonderful ladies. Sometimes I almost forget everything that Jax and I both went through, and how we were there for eachother while both of our relationships took similar nose-dives. It makes me beyond proud of the women that we are now, what an amazing lady Jax is and what a great life she's created for herself in the city. (of course it also makes me miss her so much, I really need to go visit her!)
I guess the moral of this story would be that time really does heal all wounds. I never thought I'd be able to go to Warwick, go to the bars, see James, and not even be phased by it. A tiny part of me will always hold the memories of the James Days very fondly, but the rest of me is totally over it. I'm happy for him that he is finally moving away from Warwick, and persuing his dreams. I'm happier though, that I still can be a part of his familys lives, because they all mean so much to me.
The thing that struck me the most though, was how hard I was pushing to move to Brooklyn. I still remember the dream that I had that started it all, the open windows with the bright pink sheers blowing in the wind. That will always be a dream of mine, weather it ever comes true or not has yet to be seen, but for now I live for a new dream. The one where my apartment now is done being decorated!
Anyway as usual I will be cutting this short to go do other things like bake muffins, put my face on, and dance to Ashlee Simpson. Because if there is one similarity between me in 2009 and me in 2006, is that I still do and always will LOVE ASHLEE SIMPSON!!
For some strange reason last night I decided to spend an obscene amount of hours reading my journal, starting with November 2006, which was when I was planning for James' surprise birthday party and we were considering getting a Boston Terrier pup. Maybe its because its so far removed now, but its almost funny to me to see how that surprise party was the beginning of the end for James and I, in a sense. It kindof makes me sad to see how hard I took it all, how blindly I was clinging to him/our relationship, and also how quickly I got 'over it' after I moved to Middletown. Nowadays, when I think about that break-up, I don't really view it as a negative. It was for the greater good, even if it was terrible to go through, even if it did fuck me up in the head for a while, and even if I did lose complete faith in James, who I really truly did love a lot. Some of the things that he did to me are almost unforgivable, but I forgave him as a whole a long time ago. I try not to remember the really shitty moments and focus on the many good times that we did have. If anything, reviewing my thoughts from that difficult time can show me that I am resilient, and also that sometimes you really do have to work at something or even fight for it, if it means enough to you.
It also was kindof funny to read about/remember the men of those days, Pat, the dairy dreamboat Mark, and of course Ryan (among others). My feelings for Pat and everything that happened between us sortof healed me in a way, I realized that I still had 'it' and that I needed to start doing things that I wanted to do for myself again, which was almost empowering at the time. Being the 'older woman' with Mark I would say renewed my sassy side a lot, how can you not feel good about yourself when somebody that handsome and deep voiced shows up at your house with a loosened tie, Jurassic Park, and a bag of weed to share with you!? Our secret trist, while short-lived, was fun. Probably mostly because it was secret. And then things started happening with Ryan again, it was a very emotionally confusing time, trying to seperate old and new feelings, trying to just be friends with benefits or whatever you'd like to call it, and getting used to the way things were: emotionally basically being in a long-distance relationship, but not really knowing where I stood at all. Luckily for me, I kept my composure and let things fall into their places naturally, and look how things ended up turning out! It took a little while, but things have definitely worked out for me, at least in some ways.
Re-reading all of the journal entries of course meant re-reading all of the loving comments that I recieved from such gems as Jaclyn, Katie, Jen P, Amanda, and Linz. I really was and still am so lucky to have had the support of such wonderful ladies. Sometimes I almost forget everything that Jax and I both went through, and how we were there for eachother while both of our relationships took similar nose-dives. It makes me beyond proud of the women that we are now, what an amazing lady Jax is and what a great life she's created for herself in the city. (of course it also makes me miss her so much, I really need to go visit her!)
I guess the moral of this story would be that time really does heal all wounds. I never thought I'd be able to go to Warwick, go to the bars, see James, and not even be phased by it. A tiny part of me will always hold the memories of the James Days very fondly, but the rest of me is totally over it. I'm happy for him that he is finally moving away from Warwick, and persuing his dreams. I'm happier though, that I still can be a part of his familys lives, because they all mean so much to me.
The thing that struck me the most though, was how hard I was pushing to move to Brooklyn. I still remember the dream that I had that started it all, the open windows with the bright pink sheers blowing in the wind. That will always be a dream of mine, weather it ever comes true or not has yet to be seen, but for now I live for a new dream. The one where my apartment now is done being decorated!
Anyway as usual I will be cutting this short to go do other things like bake muffins, put my face on, and dance to Ashlee Simpson. Because if there is one similarity between me in 2009 and me in 2006, is that I still do and always will LOVE ASHLEE SIMPSON!!