The Big, Bad Bitch is Back. And no I don't mean Elton John.
For days now, I've been feeling guiltier and guiltier about the fact that my Mom was so upset with me on Thanksgiving. As soon as I had found out that she wanted me to go home I made every effort to figure out HOW I would get home to see her, and thankfully with the help of a few amazing Nolans, I made it home to see my Mom, albeit I arrived later than originally planned. But I thought that just me being there at all would be good enough, especially since I haven't seen half of the family that was there since I was 18 or 19. From the moment I walked in the house though, Mom was sassing me. I knew she was at least a little buzzed and I tried to let it roll off my shoulders but after a few hours of Mom shouting "I WISH YOU GOT HERE ON TIME" over me no matter who I was talking to got to me. I went in the bathroom and cried for a few minutes and then pulled myself together because the whole point of me coming home was to have what was said to me to be 'Quite Possibly Our Last Family Thanksgiving Together', and I didn't want to argue with my Mom. She ended up falling asleep early and I hardly got to see her at all, which bummed me out to begin with, and I felt terrible at the relief I felt when she went to bed.
So I leave Thursday night after everybody is in bed, and I call her a few times over the weekend, like I always do, to check in. She likes it when I call just to say hi or just to check in, so I make sure I call at least twice a week. She doesn't return my calls, which normally wouldn't bother me except that it had been almost a week since I had talked to her and I had to find out from Cassandra that Mom had to go in to get a biopsy of her neck tumor on Monday morning and she ALWAYS lets me know about that stuff. Of course finding out that something major like that was going on and she didn't call me back all weekend or call me to tell me about the biopsy really upset me, and I ended up talking to Cassi about how I was upset on Thanksgiving because I felt like it was silly to be guilting me for being late when AT LEAST I WAS THERE. Of course I knew that my Mom was drunk, I know that she, like me, gets freaked out when the family gets together. I wasn't mad at her, I was just sad that was how the day went.
So last night I leave her a message saying I was just calling to check in and I had heard from Cassi that she had a doctors appointment and I just wanted to see how it went, and an hour or so later she returns my call, obviously buzzed, crying and apologizing for upsetting me on thanksgiving, which made me cry because I wasn't THAT upset and I didn't want her to be upset thinking that she had hurt my feelings. So I'm crying because she is crying, she is crying because I am crying, and she tells me that she heard from her doctor today and she has fucking cancer in her adrenal glands. Which is a kick in the balls to begin with, but as I am hysterically crying at the sounds of her voice making the word CANCER once again, she breaks down and starts telling me how hard it was the first time to deal with cancer and she doesn't know if she can go through chemo again. And how everybody tells her that she can get through it but she doesn't believe it and she can't always try to be positive for everybody elses sake. Which is understandable. But not what you expect to hear your Mom of all people saying, and I hope to god or whatever that none of my friends ever have to hear their Mom talk like that. My heart broke. My spirit broke. I cried. She told me I shouldn't cry, so I lied and said I wasn't, but she knew I was.
And I feel like a selfish piece of shit that I thought blindly for so long that we had beaten the cancer. I practically gloated that we had beaten the cancer. And I feel even more selfish that this has completely broken me, and all I can think of is 'how am I going to get through this again?'. In all honesty, she has much more to go through. And my Dad, and siblings are effected doubly just because they see her daily (or every weekend, for Cassi) I'm almost lucky in a sense because I am removed from it. I don't have to see her when she can't get out of bed because the chemo sucks up all of her energy. I don't have to go with her while they hurt her trying to get rid of this fucking cancer. But it hurts ME knowing that my Mom has to go through all of this. Again. Why! Its so fucking unfair. Its bullshit, and I'm crying and being selfish sitting here writing in my god damn livejournal about how I don't know what I am going to do. Like what I am going to do is even important.
I guess basically the point of this is to go home and hug your mother after you read this. Hug her good and tight, and I hope that none of you ever have to squeeze her and think about the fact that you might only have a limited amount of hugs left with her. I know I need to be strong for her again, and I know that I have lots of amazing support in my life, but that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't help me to sleep easier. But it does help me calm down before I freak out, it helps me remember that I am not alone. And neither is she.
We'll get through it and beat this bad bitch again, because we're Drakes and we're tough. I might need you to remind me of that from time to time, but I will never forget it.
So I leave Thursday night after everybody is in bed, and I call her a few times over the weekend, like I always do, to check in. She likes it when I call just to say hi or just to check in, so I make sure I call at least twice a week. She doesn't return my calls, which normally wouldn't bother me except that it had been almost a week since I had talked to her and I had to find out from Cassandra that Mom had to go in to get a biopsy of her neck tumor on Monday morning and she ALWAYS lets me know about that stuff. Of course finding out that something major like that was going on and she didn't call me back all weekend or call me to tell me about the biopsy really upset me, and I ended up talking to Cassi about how I was upset on Thanksgiving because I felt like it was silly to be guilting me for being late when AT LEAST I WAS THERE. Of course I knew that my Mom was drunk, I know that she, like me, gets freaked out when the family gets together. I wasn't mad at her, I was just sad that was how the day went.
So last night I leave her a message saying I was just calling to check in and I had heard from Cassi that she had a doctors appointment and I just wanted to see how it went, and an hour or so later she returns my call, obviously buzzed, crying and apologizing for upsetting me on thanksgiving, which made me cry because I wasn't THAT upset and I didn't want her to be upset thinking that she had hurt my feelings. So I'm crying because she is crying, she is crying because I am crying, and she tells me that she heard from her doctor today and she has fucking cancer in her adrenal glands. Which is a kick in the balls to begin with, but as I am hysterically crying at the sounds of her voice making the word CANCER once again, she breaks down and starts telling me how hard it was the first time to deal with cancer and she doesn't know if she can go through chemo again. And how everybody tells her that she can get through it but she doesn't believe it and she can't always try to be positive for everybody elses sake. Which is understandable. But not what you expect to hear your Mom of all people saying, and I hope to god or whatever that none of my friends ever have to hear their Mom talk like that. My heart broke. My spirit broke. I cried. She told me I shouldn't cry, so I lied and said I wasn't, but she knew I was.
And I feel like a selfish piece of shit that I thought blindly for so long that we had beaten the cancer. I practically gloated that we had beaten the cancer. And I feel even more selfish that this has completely broken me, and all I can think of is 'how am I going to get through this again?'. In all honesty, she has much more to go through. And my Dad, and siblings are effected doubly just because they see her daily (or every weekend, for Cassi) I'm almost lucky in a sense because I am removed from it. I don't have to see her when she can't get out of bed because the chemo sucks up all of her energy. I don't have to go with her while they hurt her trying to get rid of this fucking cancer. But it hurts ME knowing that my Mom has to go through all of this. Again. Why! Its so fucking unfair. Its bullshit, and I'm crying and being selfish sitting here writing in my god damn livejournal about how I don't know what I am going to do. Like what I am going to do is even important.
I guess basically the point of this is to go home and hug your mother after you read this. Hug her good and tight, and I hope that none of you ever have to squeeze her and think about the fact that you might only have a limited amount of hugs left with her. I know I need to be strong for her again, and I know that I have lots of amazing support in my life, but that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't help me to sleep easier. But it does help me calm down before I freak out, it helps me remember that I am not alone. And neither is she.
We'll get through it and beat this bad bitch again, because we're Drakes and we're tough. I might need you to remind me of that from time to time, but I will never forget it.