just keep me where the light is
it's jackattack time. i had a horrible emotional breakdown yesterday, and it is through the advice of my lovely friend alyssa that i am going to try writing in this again. on a more frequent basis, and on a much more emotional basis. she told me i need an outlet for my emotions, i keep too much stuff bottled up, and don't let enough out, which will never allow me to deal with any of it. so i thought i could make this be an outlet. if it gets too personal, maybe i'll lock it up and just write it for myself, because some of the things i'm going to write about, practically no one knows about me, because i never really felt the need to share it. i may choose to write about people that i know, and hope they don't get mad at me for doing so, because in dealing with my own life, i deal with the lives of all of those around me, because my friends and family are so closely tied to me.
writing is one thing that i always used to use to clear my head. that, and reading. those are two things that i used to love tremendously but really let go of, for no reason whatsoever. i became so wrapped up in school at one point in my life that anything enjoyable just disappeared, and even when i had free time for those enjoyable things, i would literally just sit around and do nothing, just listen to music in the background.
it's time for a change.
today's topic is one that always comes up during the fall, no avoiding it, but for some reason holds extreme emotional significance for me right now. i highly recommend listening to "must get out" by maroon 5, to really understand the emotions that this topic brings to me, because that is the one song i tie to this part of my life extremely tightly.
for those who may not know, i was raised by my grandparents. my parents are divorced, have been so since i was five, so my mom worked full time to support my sister and i. therefore, my grandma and grandpa raised me, i live in their house, have been living here since i was little, and even when i wasn't living here, i was dropped off here every morning and spent every day here while my mom was at work, and then we drove back home to queens. but this has always been my home. everything about my life is tied to this place, it has changed very little over the years. don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, nothing is, at times i get very frustrated with this place, but at the end of the day, this is all i really know, and i love it.
back on point, as i was saying, i was raised by my grandparents, my grandma specifically, who was basically the matriarch of the family. she ran everything, from maintaining the house, to paying bills, to going grocery shopping, to cooking dinner, to washing dishes, to getting the family together, doing laundry, ironing, babysitting all the cousins, everything. she was the only reason the house functioned. every morning she'd make me breakfast, and then pack my lunch for school, she'd have a snack waiting for me when i got home from school, and then she'd cook dinner. life flowed so easily and naturally, she had no problems or complaints about doing any of that, she loved it.
she passed away on november 27, 2004, after a vicious battle with first lung cancer and then brain cancer. this november will be six years since she's been gone. there's not a day that i don't think about her, but the memories are strongest in the fall, since this is when she was the sickest, and ultimately when she passed away.
i think i'm struck most by this right now because of the fact that life feels very overwhelming to me lately. i can't help but feel like if she were still here, there would be such a weight lifted off my shoulder because i wouldn't have to worry about things like going grocery shopping every week for the family, or worrying about if my mom has eaten at all yet today, or if my grandpa ate his dinner, or if the laundry got done, or if the house was cleaned, any of those little extra things that pile up on my plate, on top of worrying about grades, and school work, and whether or not i'm going to go to law school, and just trying to be a normal 22 year old. i understand, we all have chores, we all have responsibilities, we all have to live life, but sometimes i feel like its too much for me to handle, and i break.
i break a lot more lately than ever before. i think its because i don't share these feelings enough. or i hope its because i don't share these feelings enough, since sharing these feelings would solve this problem. i feel like i sit here very often and say "you should be here, you should be the one running the household, and taking care of the family, and keeping everything in order, because we sure as hell can't do it without you." i definitely feel like my house runs a lot less smoothly these days, i feel like everyones a little more stressed, a little more depressed, it's as if a fog has dropped over my home, and we don't know how to lift it.
part of me wants to leave, go somewhere else, start fresh, try it all over from the beginning. but the other part of me thinks that i'd just be running away from problems, and you can never run away from problems, they always follow you and find you.
so how do you cope? how do you find the energy and the willpower to get through each day, even though you feel like each day is so overwhelming that you feel like a heavy weight is pushing you down, refusing to let you get up and keeping moving on. where is the solution? where is the light at the end of the tunnel? how far away is it?
i'm kind of a fan of immediate results, i don't like waiting, so i'd really appreciate it if the light at the end of the tunnel was no more than a five minute walk away. but i know that can't always be the case, i know that i need to have patience that even if it takes me awhile, i will eventually reach it.
and i have to make a promise to myself that once i reach the light, i'm going to hold onto it so tightly and not let it go. darkness cannot continue to consume my life whenever it feels like coming around to say hey.
over these next few weeks, months, whatever, i'm going to embark on a journey of self awareness, really figure out who i am, what i want, and where i want to go. you're more than welcome to come along with me, i could always use the advice. maybe we will all grow from this experience, i know i plan on growing.
here's to moving forward.
until next time,
jax
writing is one thing that i always used to use to clear my head. that, and reading. those are two things that i used to love tremendously but really let go of, for no reason whatsoever. i became so wrapped up in school at one point in my life that anything enjoyable just disappeared, and even when i had free time for those enjoyable things, i would literally just sit around and do nothing, just listen to music in the background.
it's time for a change.
today's topic is one that always comes up during the fall, no avoiding it, but for some reason holds extreme emotional significance for me right now. i highly recommend listening to "must get out" by maroon 5, to really understand the emotions that this topic brings to me, because that is the one song i tie to this part of my life extremely tightly.
for those who may not know, i was raised by my grandparents. my parents are divorced, have been so since i was five, so my mom worked full time to support my sister and i. therefore, my grandma and grandpa raised me, i live in their house, have been living here since i was little, and even when i wasn't living here, i was dropped off here every morning and spent every day here while my mom was at work, and then we drove back home to queens. but this has always been my home. everything about my life is tied to this place, it has changed very little over the years. don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, nothing is, at times i get very frustrated with this place, but at the end of the day, this is all i really know, and i love it.
back on point, as i was saying, i was raised by my grandparents, my grandma specifically, who was basically the matriarch of the family. she ran everything, from maintaining the house, to paying bills, to going grocery shopping, to cooking dinner, to washing dishes, to getting the family together, doing laundry, ironing, babysitting all the cousins, everything. she was the only reason the house functioned. every morning she'd make me breakfast, and then pack my lunch for school, she'd have a snack waiting for me when i got home from school, and then she'd cook dinner. life flowed so easily and naturally, she had no problems or complaints about doing any of that, she loved it.
she passed away on november 27, 2004, after a vicious battle with first lung cancer and then brain cancer. this november will be six years since she's been gone. there's not a day that i don't think about her, but the memories are strongest in the fall, since this is when she was the sickest, and ultimately when she passed away.
i think i'm struck most by this right now because of the fact that life feels very overwhelming to me lately. i can't help but feel like if she were still here, there would be such a weight lifted off my shoulder because i wouldn't have to worry about things like going grocery shopping every week for the family, or worrying about if my mom has eaten at all yet today, or if my grandpa ate his dinner, or if the laundry got done, or if the house was cleaned, any of those little extra things that pile up on my plate, on top of worrying about grades, and school work, and whether or not i'm going to go to law school, and just trying to be a normal 22 year old. i understand, we all have chores, we all have responsibilities, we all have to live life, but sometimes i feel like its too much for me to handle, and i break.
i break a lot more lately than ever before. i think its because i don't share these feelings enough. or i hope its because i don't share these feelings enough, since sharing these feelings would solve this problem. i feel like i sit here very often and say "you should be here, you should be the one running the household, and taking care of the family, and keeping everything in order, because we sure as hell can't do it without you." i definitely feel like my house runs a lot less smoothly these days, i feel like everyones a little more stressed, a little more depressed, it's as if a fog has dropped over my home, and we don't know how to lift it.
part of me wants to leave, go somewhere else, start fresh, try it all over from the beginning. but the other part of me thinks that i'd just be running away from problems, and you can never run away from problems, they always follow you and find you.
so how do you cope? how do you find the energy and the willpower to get through each day, even though you feel like each day is so overwhelming that you feel like a heavy weight is pushing you down, refusing to let you get up and keeping moving on. where is the solution? where is the light at the end of the tunnel? how far away is it?
i'm kind of a fan of immediate results, i don't like waiting, so i'd really appreciate it if the light at the end of the tunnel was no more than a five minute walk away. but i know that can't always be the case, i know that i need to have patience that even if it takes me awhile, i will eventually reach it.
and i have to make a promise to myself that once i reach the light, i'm going to hold onto it so tightly and not let it go. darkness cannot continue to consume my life whenever it feels like coming around to say hey.
over these next few weeks, months, whatever, i'm going to embark on a journey of self awareness, really figure out who i am, what i want, and where i want to go. you're more than welcome to come along with me, i could always use the advice. maybe we will all grow from this experience, i know i plan on growing.
here's to moving forward.
until next time,
jax