creep
"i don't care if it hurts. i wanna have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect SOUL"
it's been a while. again. but this time i'm going to try and do this differently.
i have an addiction. a 12 year addiction to klonopin. and i need to figure out how to kick it. without going into convulsions, or crying fits, depersonalization, fits of rage, etc. i've been there, done that. and lost WAY to much sleep. and weight. 98lbs. is not healthy. and so i ended up in the hospital again and now i'm back on valium. and seroquel. but only, stricktly ONLY to help me through this valium taper i am going to do to finally rid of these poisons for good. you see, i had NO idea that klonopin was 20 times stronger than valium. and i don't think that anyone else does either, except for the other victims who are struggling to get off of this stuff, too. believe me, they KNOW the horrors of this drug. anyway, a valium taper has a much higher success rate for quitters and this is kinda like to say i was a heroin junkie and now i'm using methadone to get off.
i never really had very many issues that anyone can remember before i was put on klonopin at 14 yrs of age, of course i was hormonal, but come on, i was 14! the doctor just kinda fumbled through a book of meds before pointing to klonopin and saying "yeah, lets try this. you want to try this?" i had no idea, i was like "um, ok.." my Dad was there and he thought it was unprofessional and certainly not a valid diagnosis, but we did it anyways.
so, at 26 here i am. and i have heard stories of survivors, and i know that i can do this, too. i am a survivor. always have been. just not so sure there is any real perfect way to do this. then the next question is: am i ready to jump back into the fire again and withdraw? right now, no. i'm not. i need to build myself back up again before i even think about starting the taper.
in other news: i temporarily quit my job. thinking of doing dog walking again. and thank god for those wonderful people at Roots Salon, because they understood completely and offered for me to come back again when this is all over and i am back to myself again. they also said that any time i want to come in and just hang out, i am welcome. that was amazing. those poeple are amazing. i really am lucky to have finally found some amazing people at a job. that must be why this is so fucking hard to leave there. but i have to start fixing myself and that was just not the environment to do so.
it's so easy for me to just say "fuck it. i want to end this shit. i just want to jump off a building." that just so easy to say, right? but i can't listen. because i know i want to re-discover life. i want to be happy to be sitting in the sunshine in the park with a good book and the breeze at my hair. i want to ride a bike with both hands off the handlebars. i want to fall in love. utterly and completely in love, and i want to marry and have children. and it's going to be mighty dangerous to have kids if i'm taking pills. and none if this will ever happen if i keep thinking about the easy way out.
i had a dream about john |my ex| the other nite. he had came over to my place to return something. not so sure what it was, but the point was, he was happy and so was i. his girlfriend was waiting for him in the next apartment over, but we were having fun just talking. i was making food and he decided to have some. then i got a text message from this guy i was seeing that said "i love you, porcupine" |haha| and john must have gotten jealous because then he started saying he missed me and started kissing the back of my neck. and it felt so damn good. anyone who has ever known me should know that that is my weak spot. i started melting. but the funny thing is, john never knew that was my weak spot. and suddenly he did? i told him that i knew this was wrong. that i have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend. but instead he said something about one more time won't kill us, and i wasn't so sure, but the neck thing sure as hell felt good.
when i woke up, i had a text message from John on my phone asking me if i wanted to buy his old TV from him. so odd.
so anyways, this guy i'm talking to is really amazing. he's romantical and gentlemanly. he is strong |enough| and driven. he is really almost everything, personality-wise, i have wanted for a long time. but i have not yet met him. ! isn't that so odd? we have met "walking", but we have decided to take this as slow as possible. we have been talking on the phone, like in that movie "Elizabethtown" and it is great so far. i hope he takes me on a date to Minnie's because he absolutely has to try the ice cream.
if this is not the longest entry you have ever read, then i will make sure to write a longer one next time.
xo fellow bloggers.
it's been a while. again. but this time i'm going to try and do this differently.
i have an addiction. a 12 year addiction to klonopin. and i need to figure out how to kick it. without going into convulsions, or crying fits, depersonalization, fits of rage, etc. i've been there, done that. and lost WAY to much sleep. and weight. 98lbs. is not healthy. and so i ended up in the hospital again and now i'm back on valium. and seroquel. but only, stricktly ONLY to help me through this valium taper i am going to do to finally rid of these poisons for good. you see, i had NO idea that klonopin was 20 times stronger than valium. and i don't think that anyone else does either, except for the other victims who are struggling to get off of this stuff, too. believe me, they KNOW the horrors of this drug. anyway, a valium taper has a much higher success rate for quitters and this is kinda like to say i was a heroin junkie and now i'm using methadone to get off.
i never really had very many issues that anyone can remember before i was put on klonopin at 14 yrs of age, of course i was hormonal, but come on, i was 14! the doctor just kinda fumbled through a book of meds before pointing to klonopin and saying "yeah, lets try this. you want to try this?" i had no idea, i was like "um, ok.." my Dad was there and he thought it was unprofessional and certainly not a valid diagnosis, but we did it anyways.
so, at 26 here i am. and i have heard stories of survivors, and i know that i can do this, too. i am a survivor. always have been. just not so sure there is any real perfect way to do this. then the next question is: am i ready to jump back into the fire again and withdraw? right now, no. i'm not. i need to build myself back up again before i even think about starting the taper.
in other news: i temporarily quit my job. thinking of doing dog walking again. and thank god for those wonderful people at Roots Salon, because they understood completely and offered for me to come back again when this is all over and i am back to myself again. they also said that any time i want to come in and just hang out, i am welcome. that was amazing. those poeple are amazing. i really am lucky to have finally found some amazing people at a job. that must be why this is so fucking hard to leave there. but i have to start fixing myself and that was just not the environment to do so.
it's so easy for me to just say "fuck it. i want to end this shit. i just want to jump off a building." that just so easy to say, right? but i can't listen. because i know i want to re-discover life. i want to be happy to be sitting in the sunshine in the park with a good book and the breeze at my hair. i want to ride a bike with both hands off the handlebars. i want to fall in love. utterly and completely in love, and i want to marry and have children. and it's going to be mighty dangerous to have kids if i'm taking pills. and none if this will ever happen if i keep thinking about the easy way out.
i had a dream about john |my ex| the other nite. he had came over to my place to return something. not so sure what it was, but the point was, he was happy and so was i. his girlfriend was waiting for him in the next apartment over, but we were having fun just talking. i was making food and he decided to have some. then i got a text message from this guy i was seeing that said "i love you, porcupine" |haha| and john must have gotten jealous because then he started saying he missed me and started kissing the back of my neck. and it felt so damn good. anyone who has ever known me should know that that is my weak spot. i started melting. but the funny thing is, john never knew that was my weak spot. and suddenly he did? i told him that i knew this was wrong. that i have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend. but instead he said something about one more time won't kill us, and i wasn't so sure, but the neck thing sure as hell felt good.
when i woke up, i had a text message from John on my phone asking me if i wanted to buy his old TV from him. so odd.
so anyways, this guy i'm talking to is really amazing. he's romantical and gentlemanly. he is strong |enough| and driven. he is really almost everything, personality-wise, i have wanted for a long time. but i have not yet met him. ! isn't that so odd? we have met "walking", but we have decided to take this as slow as possible. we have been talking on the phone, like in that movie "Elizabethtown" and it is great so far. i hope he takes me on a date to Minnie's because he absolutely has to try the ice cream.
if this is not the longest entry you have ever read, then i will make sure to write a longer one next time.
xo fellow bloggers.