i have an opinion!
For you folks living in non-United States countries around the world, it might be news to you that the US Mint is slowly releasing different quarter-dollar coins every 10 weeks or so, close to the pace of an IV drip into the arm of a dying man. Each new coin depicts something crazy and wacky about an individual state (Puerto Rico gets nothing, because they can't make up their fucking minds), and since it is human nature to list things, I've decided to belittle or celebrate each particular state according how crappy (Michigan) or awesome (Vermont) their quarter is. I'm trying to keep my personal biases out of this, even though it's tempting to let Florida get what she deserves. We'll start with the original 13 colonies--let the belittling begin!
DELAWARE
First up is Delaware, which was the first state to ratify the US Constitution. That's pretty much all that Delaware has going for it. I guess they didn't want to write "The Tax Shelter State" on their coin, so instead they stuck some guy that nobody's ever heard of on a horse and passed that off as something to be proud of. It's too bad you can't draw a picture of low self-esteem.
4/10
PENNSYLVANIA
Pennsylvania is a massive wasteland of towns that all share exactly the same name. In fact, you can take any one--or two-syllable nonsense word, add "ville" or "town" or "land" or "burg" to the end, and voila! you've founded a village in Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania decided to celebrate this unique brand of diversity with a big blank squarish shape, which represents both their place on the map and the creative spark they use in naming their cities. The state loses points for stealing Lady Liberty from every democracy since ancient Greece. Fun fact: "Butztown" is a real place.
2/10
NEW JERSEY
I'll take any opportunity I can to bash New Jersey (it's smelly), but I can't for the life of me find much wrong with this quarter. It's got a great picture on it that has historical meaning, and it subtly mocks Delaware by showing people rushing to get the hell out of it. Delaware has yet to come out with a response quarter.
8/10
GEORGIA
Nice try, Georgia, trying to hide a lame map of your state with a...what is that? I think a fat virgin just sat on your fertile land state. And what the hell is all that other shit? Kudzu? Kudzu sucks, Georgia. I expected more from the home of pecans, state for most churches built, and the Chicken Capital of the World (Gainesville).
4/10
CONNECTICUT
Connecticut thought it was in bad taste to engrave a rich white Protestant onto the back of their quarter, so instead they chose what is either a lymph node or that creepy tree from The Ring. This quarter gets points for originality, even though I feel like I need to wash my hands every time I use one. Fun fact: People in Connecticut think "crew" is a real sport.
6/10
MASSACHUSETTS
Hmm, a toy soldier. Using the worst party favor from the poor kid's birthday is an interesting idea, but they shouldn't have showed it after being in the microwave for forty seconds. Another state with a stupid map on it.
4/10
MARYLAND
The Old Line State, oh right. How about Armpit of the Atlantic Seabord? Okay, this is awful. Maryland is my home state, so it's a huge disappointment. That biased sad old building doesn't even do those eastern Merlin side of Naptown and crab-eating folks with accents justice, but thank god it's not a crab on a map. Fun fact: "Cockeysville" is a real place.
1/10
SOUTH CAROLINA
This is unfortunate. If there's one thing I love, it's a pretty bird; if there's one thing I hate, it's a goddamn uncreative map on the back of your quarter. Personally, I'd rather see a cartoon bubble coming out of the bird's mouth saying "First to Secede!" over a grinning, animorphic Confederate flag, but since when was I an arbiter of good taste?
3/10
NEW HAMPSHIRE
I'll be fair to New Hampshire and refrain from mentioning that the "Old Man of the Mountain" collapsed into a pile of rubble sometime last year.
7/10
VIRGINIA
A state whose name makes direct reference to its own hymen has a lot of live up to. After seeing this quarter, I'm pretty sure the state is fibbing. Sailboats are pretty and all, but the boat idea is blatantly stolen from New Jersey, who handled the subject matter much better. Where's the soul, Virginia? Where's the soul?
5/10
NEW YORK
New York threw a bone to the upstaters by putting a boring map on the back, and inserted a wiggly line that claims to be the Erie Canal but looks suspiciously like the Thruway. And not only is the Statue of Liberty arguably in New Jersey, but it hasn't been relevant in years. Hey, I have an idea, New York. How about the fucking mall? Fun fact: "Coxsackie" is a real place.
2/10
NORTH CAROLINA
Let the pissing contest begin! Kitty Hawk, the site of the first flight, is in North Carolina. Ohio claims that since the Wright brothers grew up in Dayton, they have the right to use the airplane. North Carolina called dibs and minted their quarter first, basically tossing a big "fuck you" in Ohio's face. Pop quiz: If North Carolina and Ohio fight to the death, who wins? Answer: We all do!
8/10
RHODE ISLAND
Rhode Island has balls, tiny little New England balls. They took New Jersey's boat idea, mixed it with Virginia's crappy sailboat knockoff, put a bridge in the background, and created an aesthetic masterpiece that is not only greater than the sum of its parts, but almost 3/4 as big as the state itself. I almost forgot Rhode Island existed until I saw this quarter, and I must admit it's the best one so far. Congratulations, Rhode Island! Maybe someday you'll be a real state.
9/10
There you have it, 13 colonies, $3.25. I would have done more, but looking at all these quarters made me jealous of people who can afford to eat. Stay tuned for Vermont through Mississippi, which will happen whenever updating my Livejournal becomes more important than writing thesis and teaching obnoxious undergraduates.