S22: nothing feels right without you beside me
Title: nothing feels right without you beside me
Rating: R (for topic)
Word Count: 6,080
Summary: Minseok looks for Sehun in everything Jongin does.
Warnings: depictions of mental disorder, lapslock
Author’s Note: The title and the italicized lines in the fic that follows are (cut and edited) parts of the poem but for now, you and i are nothing by inkskinned @ tumblr.
[the rest of this is so long, dass why i placed them all under a spoiler, i apologize for this essay]Dear inkskinned, I wish you'd forgive me for butchering your poem; it is a gorgeous piece of literature and I'm pretty sure it is nowhere as beautiful as you.
Dear prompter, I'm not sure if this is angst at all, but it is kind of dark, so I guess that kind of makes up for it. Also, I maybe strayed away from the prompt in general, so, uh, I hope you won’t be disappointed. There are also no character deaths (you have to trust me on this), but this is definitely not what you expected, lol. I didn’t want to just make a lengthy prose from the poem, so I decided to interpret it my way. It took everything in me to keep this from getting any darker. Trust me, I almost included self-harm and suicidal tendencies. u_u I am sorry for breaking the beautiful poem to make whatever this is.
PS. I think this turned out more Xiumin X Kai than Xiumin x Sehun instead of the other way around. I am sorry. OTL
I hope you enjoy this, dearest reader, just as much as I enjoyed (more just as much as I sobbed while) plotting and writing it. ♥
Dear friends who held my hand from the brainstorming (hello, N) to the first draft (hello, J and H) and until I finished it (hello, A). Many thanks to all of you. I would not have finished without you. Also, J, my darling daughter, I’m sorry the first Xiumin x Sehun I wrote is angst.
last night, i woke up panting and told the boy i was with-
jongin rushes into the bedroom he and minseok share when he hears the sound of glass breaking. he catches minseok throwing his bedside lamp towards the television. he is picking it up again-stepping over the broken shards of the incandescent bulb-when jongin worriedly calls out to him. hyung, what are you doing? you’re bleeding, come here, let’s clean that up. when minseok sees him, recognition colors his face and he immediately drops the lamp.
jongin carefully walks to him but minseok steps on every shard to get to jongin faster. he glances back at the television, confusion written on his face. someone was there, jongin, she tried to make me hurt you. didn’t you see her? jongin, in lieu of answering, braces minseok in the tightest hug he can muster. he places kisses on the top of the other’s head while whispering i love you, i'm here, i'm here, in between each kiss. when minseok seems to have calmed, he carries the boy to the kitchen and cleans up his wounds there. jongin tries not to react when he hears minseok mutter, if sehun was here, this wouldn’t have happened.
that the nightmares were so bad i couldn’t tell what was real.
minseok seems to worsen progressively because now, he not only sees and hears things more constantly-he has begun smelling and tasting them more vividly too. sometimes, minseok would shield himself from the sunlight because he thinks the sun is a spy sent by them and jongin has to remind him gently that he has to finish peeling the potatoes and that jongin will never let anyone harm him. jongin does his best to keep a straight face when minseok tells him that he isn’t capable of that-that only sehun can save him from them.
there are times when minseok stops doing whatever it is he was doing and chokes on nothing. once, jongin rushed to help but minseok only pushed him away. jongin had warily sauntered off to get a glass of water for his hyung, only to come back to minseok talking to the jar by the couch. hyung, who are you talking to? jongin asked and minseok looked at him like he sprouted three pairs of arms. i thanked the girl who helped me when i was choking just now-you’re being impolite, jongin. minseok did not even need to say it; jongin can hear him think sehun would have thanked her with me.
on worse days, minseok is angry at everything around him-including jongin. on days like this, he keeps to himself in his room; he does not eat nor does he talk at all. whenever jongin secretly checks on minseok, he finds the older staring off into space unblinking. jongin has learnt not to touch minseok at all when he is like this-he knows the only response he will ever get is a quick and forceful shove to the side.
he didn’t hold me like you used to; he went back to sleep.
minseok is lying on his bed, the sunlight a muted brightness behind his eyelids. it is probably noon and he has to get up soon because he should really eat, but he doesn’t. instead, he burrows even deeper under his sheets, the comforter offering a little more protection against the sun on his face. he doesn’t need to get up to know that jongin is most likely outside, preparing lunch-he knows because the boy sauntered into his room at seven in the morning with a tray of food, reminding him to eat when he felt like it.
minseok tosses and turns in his bed because he wants to do something but he doesn’t know what-he would have gone with cleaning or reading but he doesn’t feel like it. his body is heavy for no reason and all he wants is to matter, but he’s too tired to even try to matter to himself so he just lies there, staring at the ceiling, until jongin comes to replace the tray of food with another.
true enough, the boy arrives a few moments later and minseok shifts to let jongin place a plate on his lap. he wordlessly takes the breakfast tray and leaves minseok staring down at the delicious looking plate of food. minseok attempts to eat but he knows his body will reject everything he shoves down his throat so, instead he places the plate on the floor.
he stares at nothing and everything; his mind overthinks and shuts down at the same time. jongin finds him like this and minseok does not see the flash of sadness and resignation in jongin’s face before it shifts into a happy one. hyung, the pasta is really good, you have to eat it! minseok does not respond and jongin sighs tiredly before picking the plate up from the floor to put on minseok’s bedside table.
i miss where you used to be as if i have entered a winter that breaks my body
hyung, let’s take a bath together, jongin tells minseok one day. the older boy looks at him, puzzled, before going back to the book he is trying to read. minseok snuggles deeper into his comforter before adjusting his head on the arm of the couch. jongin does not give up; he sits on what he assumes to be minseok’s lap. hyung, if you don’t want to take a bath with me, it’s fine~ but take a bath so i can treat you to coffee~
at the sound of coffee, minseok looks at jongin weirdly again. the boy lies playfully on top of his hyung and smiles happily before proclaiming, i got us a free lesson from jongdae-hyung~ he’s going to teach us how to make coffee, so please take a bath now, hyung~ jongin attempts to grab at minseok’s book but the older man lifts it higher and jongin laughs wholeheartedly-something he hasn’t done for quite a while now. minseok pauses and stares at jongin; the latter looks confused and awkward as minseok watches him.
minseok lifts a hand to jongin’s face and says monotonously, you are so much like sehun. the mirth in jongin’s eyes disappears almost immediately and minseok knows he should not have said what he did, so he tries to apologize but all that comes out is a bunch of incoherent sounds. jongin stands up and smiles again-only this time, his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. hyung, please take a bath soon, jongdae-hyung and your coffee are waiting~ is what jongin says before he leaves. minseok hides under his covers because he thinks he does not want to go out after all.
i miss the way the sun hit your cheekbones in the mornings and your messy hair after sleeping
when the voices are too loud, or when the apartment is full of people he does not know, minseok likes staying in (or under the) bed until they all go away. he curls up like a ball and hides from them all. when things gets this bad, the only person in his mind is sehun. he remembers how sehun took care of him; the way he made everything go away, the way he held minseok to calm him down, even the way he cooked and sang at the same time. sehun was not much of a singer, but his delight when he sang was infectious.
he definitely misses sehun; minseok knows he thinks of him more than he thinks of jongin and this isn’t a secret at all. he often talks about it because jongin made him swear to be more honest and to be more open. jongin said something about trusting each other and even if minseok is not really much of a talker, he thinks he should just go along with it if it will make jongin happy.
minseok knows that jongin loves him-and he loves jongin right back; it isn’t as if he doesn’t have feelings for the boy. it really is just that sehun’s a whole different league of his own; sehun always knew what was going on and he never read any of minseok's emotions wrong. this is what he misses the most-the comfort of knowing that someone out there understands him like he was an open book-no need for explanations, whatsoever. sehun was and will always be his everything: his light in the dark and his shade from the sun-and if sehun ever does try to come back to him, minseok knows it’s sehun he will choose.
the smile you had when stirring your coffee
today, minseok finds himself staring into the face he knows so well. it does not matter if his mind forgets everything else, because his heart will never forget. he traces every angle-the sharp jaw, the dip by the eyes, the graceful slope of his nose. minseok missed this; the calm, the quiet, the peace. as minseok traces his eyebrows, the boy’s eyes flutter open. he watches minseok carefully, but minseok doesn't seem to mind. he looks at him affectionately and the boy closes his eyes and snuggles closer. he murmurs i missed you, hyung into the older's chest before falling back to sleep. he doesn't hear minseok whisper i missed you just as much, sehun.
minseok falls asleep himself, waking up only when sehun gently nudges him. at first, he’d thought he was dreaming. sehun frowns because he seems to be in a daze again-the younger boy mumbles, ah, hyung, stop gawking, let's give you a bath, you stink already, when was the last time you took a bath? minseok doesn't even mind the casual insult because it's good to have sehun back, finally. the sun can shine in on him and it won't matter because sehun is by his side.
after bathing, sehun leads minseok to the kitchen and minseok likes how relieved he seems to be that minseok is following him and is actually eating. hyung, you seem to be in a good mood today, he says before digging into the food. minseok tells him that maybe he is in a really good mood, before playfully asking him when he started cooking. sehun stops eating and looks at him confusedly before saying, what do you mean hyung? i have been cooking since we got together.
minseok is puzzled, but you don't cook, you nev-and that is when he sees it. jongin is still looking at him confusedly, waiting for him to finish his response. he doesn't bother, though. he isn't sehun, after all.
the way your sweater always covered your palms a little
recently, days are getting more and more frustrating for minseok because he keeps forgetting things a lot. it has come to the point where jongin has to guess why he went to the kitchen in the first place or where he was really going, if he gets out of bed at all. and if that isn't bad enough, minseok finds himself confused when he does even the littlest and easiest of chores. sometimes, jongin catches him soaking wet because he'd forgotten to take his clothes off before turning the shower on. other times, jongin has to remind him how to hold chopsticks and how to make coffee. it frustrates minseok to no end because he likes coffee and making it is just as fun as drinking it.
when minseok forgets, the first person he thinks of is sehun, because he doesn't want his brain to forget about him. if he is honest, he only remembers jongin is there with him when the boy is frantically calling out for him. when jongin finds him, he'd look minseok over to check if there are visible problems anywhere and minseok would just watch blankly.
jongin never lets him out of his sight now; because of that one time when minseok wanted to use the bathroom but he opened the front door instead. when jongin noticed that minseok was taking so long, he went looking for him, only to find him huddled in a corner of their little garden with hands on his ears. the sunlight scared him, jongin realized, so the boy rushed inside to grab a hoodie to cover minseok with, before ushering him back into the house. needless to say, minseok never goes anywhere alone now; jongin keeps him by his side, almost 24/7.
and how you fit beside me and (made everything fun-even grocery shopping)
jongin finds that when minseok goes off on his own, he hides in the closet. the first time he does it, jongin gets worried because minseok might have gone outside and lost his way. so jongin sets off to find minseok, only to find that the gate is properly locked; minseok could not have gone out. at first, he only thinks to check under their bed, because minseok seems to have developed a habit of hiding there for comfort, but when he hears a muffled voice from somewhere in the room, he approaches the closet and hears minseok talking.
minseok seems to be incredibly engrossed in the conversation he is having, so jongin opens the closet to find out what he is talking about-only to realize that minseok is talking about sehun again, because it's always about sehun, after all. minseok used to talk to him like this-with bright eyes and a gentle voice. now, all he says are curt replies. if he ever shows any signs of the minseok he used to be, it will definitely be when he is talking about sehun; jongin knows he should not take it personally, but it is stressful-he’s the boyfriend, after all.
the next time it happens is when minseok gets extremely distressed by the lack of curtains in the other parts of the house. jongin was meaning to wash them; he didn’t bother to put on new ones because he didn’t think minseok would get out of bed on his own. seeing the amount of sunlight, minseok freaked out and hid inside the closet. jongin tried to gently coerce him into coming out, so that he could give him a hug to reassure him that he is safe and no one wants to kill him. minseok doesn’t believe him at all; at this point, he starts talking to someone inside the closet so jongin presses on patiently because that is all that is left to do. but then, minseok stops talking altogether and instead chooses to stare into space. he’s back in his own world and he doesn’t notice the tired sigh and the resigned face jongin puts on before he quietly walks away.
every time i think about you, i feel ghosts ripping up my heartstrings
today, minseok is dreaming of sehun peacefully until he wakes up to evil laughter by his bed. he opens his eyes to find the horrible lady sitting on their broken television again; this time, she is not alone. there is a boy peeking out of the closet, smiling at him demonically and twin boys on his side, looking at him like they know a secret that he doesn’t. it terrifies him so he scrambles out of their shared bed and looks for se-no, jongin. he finds the younger boy sleeping on the couch, but he does not want to wake him up because the girl by the jar is watching minseok and something behind him and he knows that the lady is there. he falls to the ground and attempts to scream because he can feel the lady’s hands on his neck, strangling him while whispering die, die, die in his ear, repeatedly. he places his hands to pull her hands away but she is just too strong.
sehun, help me, minseok says again and again until he feels jongin’s hands curl around his to pull them away. he breathes in as deep as he can and jongin doesn’t look him in the eye. minseok wonders why but he never asks; he only takes jongin’s hand as the other helps him up and leads him back to the bedroom. minseok does not let go because he is afraid that the lady will come back so he asks jongin to stay. jongin places a kiss on the top of minseok’s head and acquiesces. don’t worry, hyung, i won’t let them hurt you.
sehun would never turn his back on me, minseok thinks as he watches jongin tuck himself in with the younger man’s back facing him. he looks for the warm hugs and loving kisses but they do not come so minseok lies down a little closer to jongin. he wraps his arms around himself as he thinks about how sehun used to comfort him when he was scared and lonely and he wishes it was sehun beside him instead, because he had always known what to say and do-minseok has never felt safer than how he did then.
so mostly i try to avoid it and instead end up drinking
hyung, jongin says as he pokes his head into the bedroom. he looks for minseok in the closet but he doesn’t find him there. he checks under the bed and finds the older man curled up under a comforter. hyung, a bookstore opened down the street, jongin nudges minseok but the latter is unresponsive. hyu~ng, jongin tries again, tugging at the comforter. hyung, let’s go check it out~ he successfully manages removing the comforter, but he doesn’t successfully get a response from minseok.
jongin closes his eyes and breathes deeply before lying down on the floor. hyung, is it fun here? how about we stay here and talk, hyung? don’t you want to lie on the bed instead? hyung? minseok’s steady breathing is the only response jongin gets. he waits a little longer before he gives up-it maybe one of those days.
so when he is safely outside the bedroom door, he picks up the phone and calls the first name on the address book. i don’t know what to do anymore, joonmyun-hyung. what else am i supposed to do? jongin sniffs into the receiver. he looks up to keep the tears from falling, but they do. jongin swallows the feeling that is bubbling up inside him.
no, jongin, he tells himself, you can’t give up on hyung.
because i just want to escape you
today, minseok wakes up feeling extremely chipper. he gets out of bed and is exhilarated to find that jongin has dutifully closed all curtains today. it’s quite dark but minseok doesn’t mind; it’s always safety over luxury, after all. jongin almost falls off the couch when he notices the bounce in minseok’s step. good morning, umin-hyung, he says casually, testing the waters.
good morning, jongin, minseok practically beams at him. jongin is bewildered-minseok has never been that happy because of him in months. he follows minseok closely the whole day; this is a complete turnaround from yesterday’s episode. minseok does nothing unusual-except today, he eats properly and he doesn’t break anything. minseok is so normal that jongin is disoriented-very much so that he barely feels minseok sit beside him.
minseok is having the time of his life; he finished a book and showered luxuriously. he is just about to settle on jongin’s lap for a pillow when it all starts. at first, he thought he was seeing things wrong, but when it keeps happening, he finally stands up to check their bedroom. when he gets there, he is baffled to see ten children jumping around. they all look at him and their varying states of bleeding freezes minseok. one of them walks towards him and minseok screams.
but i don’t know how much longer i can keep running
minseok is running out of things to calm him down; he finds that he cannot hide under the bed or inside the closet anymore because they follow him there. staying somewhere open is not an option because being out in the open gives the monsters enough space to terrify him. for now, he finds himself, more often than not, between jongin and the arm of the couch, holding a book to drown them all out. reading has always been a comfort for minseok and now it comes handy because it keeps him busy mentally and visually that he doesn’t see them look at him malignantly.
jongin has come to make a habit of sleeping on the couch, just so that minseok can keep reading and reading because minseok barely sleeps now; he hates the nightmares and he hates everything that is not reading-he barely lifts his eyes off the books anymore. jongin had to go out to get new books at the bookstore down the street because minseok was almost done with the meager amount of novels they had at home.
jongin has expressed his worries about minseok and his lack of sleep; to humor him, minseok sneaks in a few minutes of sleep because that is all that he has. if he sleeps any longer, he knows the monsters will come-he barely has enough energy to stay alive; he doesn’t have energy to fight them off.
later, minseok discovers that he does not have enough energy to tune them out-he can’t focus on his novels anymore because the screams are getting louder and louder and at this point, all he really wants to do is to shut them up. however, he doesn’t know a single thing about that-he doesn’t have the energy either-so he does what works best-he keeps reading and reading and reading.
is it strange that i sort of wish you’d call
because of persistent friends like jongdae and joonmyun, jongin finds the courage to ask minseok if he wants to go to the doctor with him. at first, minseok is wary because jongin, the sun shouldn’t see me-they will find me. jongin, they will kill me. jongin promises to keep him safe and minseok almost agrees-
-until he asks where they were going.
why would we need to go to the psychiatrist, jongin? minseok asks monotonously.
hyung, you’ve been unwell recently and i'm really worried about you, jongin fidgets a little, afraid of how minseok will react. the older man glares at him icily.
i'm not sick, jongin, there’s nothing wrong with me.
you’ve been seeing a lot of things recently, hyung. i'm just very concerned; you haven’t been able to do the things you always liked doing. you’re always afraid, hyung, please w-
stop, jongin, stop. i'm not going to see the doctor. i'm fine.
but, hyung-
minseok glares at jongin and jongin knows it’s the end of the discussion. he lifts his hands in surrender before sighing and retreating into the kitchen. but, hyung, there’s nothing there, jongin sighs to himself as he cards his hand through his hair. there was never anything or anyone there, it’s all in your head, hyung.
is it strange that after all this time and the silence that stretches between us-
jongdae looks up to find an extremely tired jongin standing in front of him, ordering the strongest brewed coffee he can offer. jongdae reluctantly makes the cup because he thinks caffeine is not the answer to the younger boy’s problems. jongin needs someone to talk to and a little bit of rest, so jongdae takes his apron off and sits with him immediately after finishing orders.
same old, same old? jongdae asks quietly. jongin looks at him and smiles sadly before responding. same old, same old, the tired boy echoes. he didn't go to the doctor with you? jongdae prods a bit more. when jongin meets his eyes, he feels terrible for asking. the light from jongin's eyes is gone; all that's left is a lifeless shell of what they used to be.
i don't know what to do anymore, hyung, jongin is looking at his hands.
jongdae wants to hug him but he looks like he'd crumble if he did, so jongdae settles with a meaningful smile. it's sehun again, isn't it? he pushes the conversation just a bit forward because jongin has to let it all out.
he doesn't even want to get out of bed anymore, jongin breathes out as he rubs his hands for much needed warmth. how do i tell him that sehun never existed? how do i explain to hyung when he believes that sehun is real?
didn't sehun stop appearing months ago? jongdae asks, confusion clear in his voice.
it doesn't matter if he appears or not; minseok-hyung doesn't even see me anymore. everything is about sehun and it won't matter even if i leave-
then leave, jongin. i think you've done enough.
i still imagine us somehow meeting again and the light coming back into your eyes
jongin is on the couch, staring blankly at the doorway to their room. he feels himself slowly giving up as he waits for minseok to come out and do something else other than hide under the bed. he's made lunch but minseok doesn't seem to be planning to eat soon, so he turns the television on to keep his mind off of things.
things, like, for example, how jongdae has repeatedly insisted that jongin needs to leave the past few days and how joonmyun had offered his apartment for jongin to stay in.
he thought about it carefully and if he was quite honest with himself, it would be the best course of action. minseok still refuses to go to the doctor and he is gradually getting worse; at this point, jongin knows that if he doesn't leave, he'll drive himself crazy.
yet whenever he manages to coerce minseok out of the bedroom and into the bath or the kitchen, he tells himself there’s hope and he can’t leave. true, minseok trusts him less-if minseok trusts him at all nowadays-but jongin knows minseok couldn't live without assistance. his family is far away and there is only so little people minseok trusts.
he can't possibly leave just like that, can he?
that maybe the good things will win over the bad things this time,
today, minseok is tucked under his blanket because there are voices everywhere and he doesn't know where they are coming from. He can't breathe because someone is sitting on his chest and he doesn't have the guts to shoo it away. he wants to scream but he won't, because it only makes them stronger and louder. minseok is tired and he just wants to rest, but if he sleeps, he'll just dream of scarier things so he keeps his eyes open with all the strength he can muster.
he thinks of sehun again, because if sehun was here, he would be sleeping a dreamless sleep. minseok has half a mind to go to jongin, but jongin is one of them. he’d thought jongin believed in him, but that day-minseok refuses to think any more than that. minseok feels so alone and worthless, and during times like this, he misses sehun even more.
he tries not to think of sehun because it hurts to hear his voice and to see his face only to realize he's been imagining things. it's almost like taking the elevator to the thirtieth floor only to jump out the window when he gets there. it hurts because he needs sehun so much now, but he won’t come, minseok kno-
hyung, a familiar voice calls out for him from the bedside. hyung, you're suffocating yourself, get out of there.
minseok freezes because he can't let himself believe that this is sehun; sehun left without saying anything and no matter how much he wished for sehun to come ba-
sehun tugs minseok’s blanket off and smiles brightly. minseok can only stare because he doesn’t know if this is him getting desperate; is he that despera-hyung, why are you staring at me blankly? don't you know me anymore? was i gone that long?
and it is then that minseok realizes that he isn’t hearing anything else but sehun's voice-
not even jongin quietly and reluctantly saying goodbye.
that maybe it’ll be different as if by magic
hyung, you have to eat, sehun says as he casually drapes an arm around minseok. minseok laughs to himself because he knows this. it’s familiar and warm; minseok thinks this may actually be the happiest he has been for a while.
you're hungry, aren't you? minseok asks. sehun grins playfully at him before flopping onto his lap. sehun looks up at him from there before nodding like the little shit that he is. minseok shakes his head and burrows further into the couch. cook for yourself, he tells the younger boy before diving back into the book he was reading.
recently, minseok finds that reading is starting to get quite manageable. it's becoming a little quieter with sehun around-and it hasn't even been a month. it's quite ironic if he thinks about it, since sehun is as needy for attention as a newborn puppy. it's not like how it used be but it's definitely better, minseok thinks to himself as he pretends not to see sehun clinging to his arm, whining about his unfortunate inability to do anything properly in the kitchen.
you have to feed me, hyung, i'm starving~ let's eat~
sehun is insistent so minseok closes his book with a playful sigh and hops off the couch. make jongin cook you something, minseok tells sehun automatically, because it had always been jongin providing if he needed something. sehun only cocks his head in response. but, hyung, jongin left days ago, remember?
minseok stops walking and looks back at sehun. he did?
last night i nightmared but i’ve gotten used to it;
minseok is freshly bathed and quite rejuvenated when he enters the bedroom. he is drying his hair when a chill runs down his spine. he hears a voice, a female voice-an old lady-laughing menacingly from behind him. minseok turns to see a distorted figure-armless, eyeless and withered-sitting on the television set. he wants to hide but sehun told him not to, that he should fight and be strong, so he simply turns away and continues drying his hair. but the lady laughs hysterically and minseok's terrified.
you are happy, aren't you? that sehun is here-but he left you, didn't he? what's to stop him from leaving again? you? she laughs condescendingly and now minseok wants to hit her, so he grabs the glass lamp by his bedside and throws it at the television set.
broken shards litter the bedroom floor but minseok is oblivious. he just wants to hurt the lady, whoever she is, so he lifts his arm, ready to swing it at full force. he steps on the shards and barely feels himself bleed-until sehun comes barging in to stop him.
hyung, what are you doing?! you’re hurting yourself, minseok stops moving to look at sehun standing at the doorway. this feels like it's happened before but minseok doesn’t remember when and with who, so he shrugs before he moves towards the television set and hits it really, really hard.
i have long since given up on trying to sleep.
minseok fidgets a lot on the backseat of the family car, as his father makes his way towards the suburbs. his parents had come to pick him up from the hospital, because the doctor insisted that he call them after patching him up. his mother is gently caressing his left arm; there’s a cast on his right. shh, she tells him as he attempts to move away from the sun, i am here, minseok. i won't let anything harm you. minseok tightens his hand on her knee and she responds by making little circular movements in the inside of his arm. he doesn't notice her lifting his bandaged hand to her lips, as if attempting to heal it faster with a mother's love.
where is sehun, minseok asks because he doesn't feel safe without sehun, but his mother only shushes him. rest, minseok. we can talk later.
but, i need sehun, minseok says and insists that they return to his home, back to their apartment, because sehun must be there cleaning up the mess he made. what kind of hyung is he if he leaves just like that? after all, it was sehun who forced him to take a cab to the hospital. it was also sehun who held his hand on the way and while he talked to the nurses to explain what had happened.
minseok, i was there, but nobody else was. i understand that you're confused but, you'll feel better if you rest a bit, his mother tells him. she cards a hand through minseok's hair repeatedly to calm him down. sleep for now, minseok. you'll feel better back home.
minseok quiets down but he doesn't sleep for the rest of the trip.
(to his delight, he finds sehun waiting for him in his room.)
nothing feels right without you beside me.
it takes minseok quite a while before he finally convinces his parents that he can move back to his apartment. they'd expressed their worries of him being alone, but minseok shrugs. i won't be alone, i have sehun with me. his mother sighs because she knows there isn't much they can do, really. as long as you're sure you'll be fine, she acquiesces, promise me you'll call when you get home.
minseok hadn't wanted to, but sehun said it was the best way to go about. so now, minseok is here, standing in front of the telephone and staring at the red light blinking at him.
hyung, you have messages, sehun points out before insisting that minseok play them all back. minseok frowns and reaches for the receiver.
but, hyung, it might be important, sehun whines the way he knows minseok hates. minseok sighs because sehun can be annoying if he wants to, so all he says is fine, fine, i'm playing them back. he presses the button sehun is pointing to and winces at the beep.
[beep]
You have a new message. To listen to the message, please press the asterisk key.
[beep]
hello, hyung. it’s me. you must hate me for leaving, but i'm still worried about you. are you eating well? are you able to sleep alone? has auntie come over to help you clean up? have you made coffee yet? did you forget how to make a cup again? the jar of instant coffee should always be in the third shelf from the right so you won't forget where it is. i'm sorry for leaving, hyung. i'm sorry i couldn't take care of you.
minseok thinks the message has ended when he hears jongin shift before whispering a gentle i love you, hyung.
the answering machine goes back on standby; minseok is motionless for a few moments. sehun is silent and carefully watching him. minseok has half a mind to wonder why and then he finds himself reaching out to press the button again.
[beep]
hello, hyung. it’s me. you must hate me for leaving, bu-
[beep]
are you sure you want to delete this message? to delete, please press the asterisk key.
[beep]
you have successfully deleted the message.
minseok lifts the receiver up and dials his mother's number. sehun drapes himself around minseok as he tells his mother that he has gotten home safely and is about to turn in. his mother asks him a few more times if he is absolutely sure that he will be fine on his own and he mumbles one last yes, i will, talk to you later, mom. sehun chuckles by his ear as he puts the receiver down.
cheer up, hyung, sehun says, kissing the tip of minseok’s ear. minseok tilts his head because he’s ticklish on that area. he turns to bark at sehun because he hates getting tickled, but the grin on the taller boy’s face is irresistible.
so, instead, minseok ends up smiling softly at sehun and whispering i love you.
sehun giggles the way he does when he’s extremely happy. he hugs minseok tighter and says, i love you too. minseok freezes in place because for a moment, sehun sounded just like jongin.
Rating: R (for topic)
Word Count: 6,080
Summary: Minseok looks for Sehun in everything Jongin does.
Warnings: depictions of mental disorder, lapslock
Author’s Note: The title and the italicized lines in the fic that follows are (cut and edited) parts of the poem but for now, you and i are nothing by inkskinned @ tumblr.
[the rest of this is so long, dass why i placed them all under a spoiler, i apologize for this essay]Dear inkskinned, I wish you'd forgive me for butchering your poem; it is a gorgeous piece of literature and I'm pretty sure it is nowhere as beautiful as you.
Dear prompter, I'm not sure if this is angst at all, but it is kind of dark, so I guess that kind of makes up for it. Also, I maybe strayed away from the prompt in general, so, uh, I hope you won’t be disappointed. There are also no character deaths (you have to trust me on this), but this is definitely not what you expected, lol. I didn’t want to just make a lengthy prose from the poem, so I decided to interpret it my way. It took everything in me to keep this from getting any darker. Trust me, I almost included self-harm and suicidal tendencies. u_u I am sorry for breaking the beautiful poem to make whatever this is.
PS. I think this turned out more Xiumin X Kai than Xiumin x Sehun instead of the other way around. I am sorry. OTL
I hope you enjoy this, dearest reader, just as much as I enjoyed (more just as much as I sobbed while) plotting and writing it. ♥
Dear friends who held my hand from the brainstorming (hello, N) to the first draft (hello, J and H) and until I finished it (hello, A). Many thanks to all of you. I would not have finished without you. Also, J, my darling daughter, I’m sorry the first Xiumin x Sehun I wrote is angst.
last night, i woke up panting and told the boy i was with-
jongin rushes into the bedroom he and minseok share when he hears the sound of glass breaking. he catches minseok throwing his bedside lamp towards the television. he is picking it up again-stepping over the broken shards of the incandescent bulb-when jongin worriedly calls out to him. hyung, what are you doing? you’re bleeding, come here, let’s clean that up. when minseok sees him, recognition colors his face and he immediately drops the lamp.
jongin carefully walks to him but minseok steps on every shard to get to jongin faster. he glances back at the television, confusion written on his face. someone was there, jongin, she tried to make me hurt you. didn’t you see her? jongin, in lieu of answering, braces minseok in the tightest hug he can muster. he places kisses on the top of the other’s head while whispering i love you, i'm here, i'm here, in between each kiss. when minseok seems to have calmed, he carries the boy to the kitchen and cleans up his wounds there. jongin tries not to react when he hears minseok mutter, if sehun was here, this wouldn’t have happened.
that the nightmares were so bad i couldn’t tell what was real.
minseok seems to worsen progressively because now, he not only sees and hears things more constantly-he has begun smelling and tasting them more vividly too. sometimes, minseok would shield himself from the sunlight because he thinks the sun is a spy sent by them and jongin has to remind him gently that he has to finish peeling the potatoes and that jongin will never let anyone harm him. jongin does his best to keep a straight face when minseok tells him that he isn’t capable of that-that only sehun can save him from them.
there are times when minseok stops doing whatever it is he was doing and chokes on nothing. once, jongin rushed to help but minseok only pushed him away. jongin had warily sauntered off to get a glass of water for his hyung, only to come back to minseok talking to the jar by the couch. hyung, who are you talking to? jongin asked and minseok looked at him like he sprouted three pairs of arms. i thanked the girl who helped me when i was choking just now-you’re being impolite, jongin. minseok did not even need to say it; jongin can hear him think sehun would have thanked her with me.
on worse days, minseok is angry at everything around him-including jongin. on days like this, he keeps to himself in his room; he does not eat nor does he talk at all. whenever jongin secretly checks on minseok, he finds the older staring off into space unblinking. jongin has learnt not to touch minseok at all when he is like this-he knows the only response he will ever get is a quick and forceful shove to the side.
he didn’t hold me like you used to; he went back to sleep.
minseok is lying on his bed, the sunlight a muted brightness behind his eyelids. it is probably noon and he has to get up soon because he should really eat, but he doesn’t. instead, he burrows even deeper under his sheets, the comforter offering a little more protection against the sun on his face. he doesn’t need to get up to know that jongin is most likely outside, preparing lunch-he knows because the boy sauntered into his room at seven in the morning with a tray of food, reminding him to eat when he felt like it.
minseok tosses and turns in his bed because he wants to do something but he doesn’t know what-he would have gone with cleaning or reading but he doesn’t feel like it. his body is heavy for no reason and all he wants is to matter, but he’s too tired to even try to matter to himself so he just lies there, staring at the ceiling, until jongin comes to replace the tray of food with another.
true enough, the boy arrives a few moments later and minseok shifts to let jongin place a plate on his lap. he wordlessly takes the breakfast tray and leaves minseok staring down at the delicious looking plate of food. minseok attempts to eat but he knows his body will reject everything he shoves down his throat so, instead he places the plate on the floor.
he stares at nothing and everything; his mind overthinks and shuts down at the same time. jongin finds him like this and minseok does not see the flash of sadness and resignation in jongin’s face before it shifts into a happy one. hyung, the pasta is really good, you have to eat it! minseok does not respond and jongin sighs tiredly before picking the plate up from the floor to put on minseok’s bedside table.
i miss where you used to be as if i have entered a winter that breaks my body
hyung, let’s take a bath together, jongin tells minseok one day. the older boy looks at him, puzzled, before going back to the book he is trying to read. minseok snuggles deeper into his comforter before adjusting his head on the arm of the couch. jongin does not give up; he sits on what he assumes to be minseok’s lap. hyung, if you don’t want to take a bath with me, it’s fine~ but take a bath so i can treat you to coffee~
at the sound of coffee, minseok looks at jongin weirdly again. the boy lies playfully on top of his hyung and smiles happily before proclaiming, i got us a free lesson from jongdae-hyung~ he’s going to teach us how to make coffee, so please take a bath now, hyung~ jongin attempts to grab at minseok’s book but the older man lifts it higher and jongin laughs wholeheartedly-something he hasn’t done for quite a while now. minseok pauses and stares at jongin; the latter looks confused and awkward as minseok watches him.
minseok lifts a hand to jongin’s face and says monotonously, you are so much like sehun. the mirth in jongin’s eyes disappears almost immediately and minseok knows he should not have said what he did, so he tries to apologize but all that comes out is a bunch of incoherent sounds. jongin stands up and smiles again-only this time, his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. hyung, please take a bath soon, jongdae-hyung and your coffee are waiting~ is what jongin says before he leaves. minseok hides under his covers because he thinks he does not want to go out after all.
i miss the way the sun hit your cheekbones in the mornings and your messy hair after sleeping
when the voices are too loud, or when the apartment is full of people he does not know, minseok likes staying in (or under the) bed until they all go away. he curls up like a ball and hides from them all. when things gets this bad, the only person in his mind is sehun. he remembers how sehun took care of him; the way he made everything go away, the way he held minseok to calm him down, even the way he cooked and sang at the same time. sehun was not much of a singer, but his delight when he sang was infectious.
he definitely misses sehun; minseok knows he thinks of him more than he thinks of jongin and this isn’t a secret at all. he often talks about it because jongin made him swear to be more honest and to be more open. jongin said something about trusting each other and even if minseok is not really much of a talker, he thinks he should just go along with it if it will make jongin happy.
minseok knows that jongin loves him-and he loves jongin right back; it isn’t as if he doesn’t have feelings for the boy. it really is just that sehun’s a whole different league of his own; sehun always knew what was going on and he never read any of minseok's emotions wrong. this is what he misses the most-the comfort of knowing that someone out there understands him like he was an open book-no need for explanations, whatsoever. sehun was and will always be his everything: his light in the dark and his shade from the sun-and if sehun ever does try to come back to him, minseok knows it’s sehun he will choose.
the smile you had when stirring your coffee
today, minseok finds himself staring into the face he knows so well. it does not matter if his mind forgets everything else, because his heart will never forget. he traces every angle-the sharp jaw, the dip by the eyes, the graceful slope of his nose. minseok missed this; the calm, the quiet, the peace. as minseok traces his eyebrows, the boy’s eyes flutter open. he watches minseok carefully, but minseok doesn't seem to mind. he looks at him affectionately and the boy closes his eyes and snuggles closer. he murmurs i missed you, hyung into the older's chest before falling back to sleep. he doesn't hear minseok whisper i missed you just as much, sehun.
minseok falls asleep himself, waking up only when sehun gently nudges him. at first, he’d thought he was dreaming. sehun frowns because he seems to be in a daze again-the younger boy mumbles, ah, hyung, stop gawking, let's give you a bath, you stink already, when was the last time you took a bath? minseok doesn't even mind the casual insult because it's good to have sehun back, finally. the sun can shine in on him and it won't matter because sehun is by his side.
after bathing, sehun leads minseok to the kitchen and minseok likes how relieved he seems to be that minseok is following him and is actually eating. hyung, you seem to be in a good mood today, he says before digging into the food. minseok tells him that maybe he is in a really good mood, before playfully asking him when he started cooking. sehun stops eating and looks at him confusedly before saying, what do you mean hyung? i have been cooking since we got together.
minseok is puzzled, but you don't cook, you nev-and that is when he sees it. jongin is still looking at him confusedly, waiting for him to finish his response. he doesn't bother, though. he isn't sehun, after all.
the way your sweater always covered your palms a little
recently, days are getting more and more frustrating for minseok because he keeps forgetting things a lot. it has come to the point where jongin has to guess why he went to the kitchen in the first place or where he was really going, if he gets out of bed at all. and if that isn't bad enough, minseok finds himself confused when he does even the littlest and easiest of chores. sometimes, jongin catches him soaking wet because he'd forgotten to take his clothes off before turning the shower on. other times, jongin has to remind him how to hold chopsticks and how to make coffee. it frustrates minseok to no end because he likes coffee and making it is just as fun as drinking it.
when minseok forgets, the first person he thinks of is sehun, because he doesn't want his brain to forget about him. if he is honest, he only remembers jongin is there with him when the boy is frantically calling out for him. when jongin finds him, he'd look minseok over to check if there are visible problems anywhere and minseok would just watch blankly.
jongin never lets him out of his sight now; because of that one time when minseok wanted to use the bathroom but he opened the front door instead. when jongin noticed that minseok was taking so long, he went looking for him, only to find him huddled in a corner of their little garden with hands on his ears. the sunlight scared him, jongin realized, so the boy rushed inside to grab a hoodie to cover minseok with, before ushering him back into the house. needless to say, minseok never goes anywhere alone now; jongin keeps him by his side, almost 24/7.
and how you fit beside me and (made everything fun-even grocery shopping)
jongin finds that when minseok goes off on his own, he hides in the closet. the first time he does it, jongin gets worried because minseok might have gone outside and lost his way. so jongin sets off to find minseok, only to find that the gate is properly locked; minseok could not have gone out. at first, he only thinks to check under their bed, because minseok seems to have developed a habit of hiding there for comfort, but when he hears a muffled voice from somewhere in the room, he approaches the closet and hears minseok talking.
minseok seems to be incredibly engrossed in the conversation he is having, so jongin opens the closet to find out what he is talking about-only to realize that minseok is talking about sehun again, because it's always about sehun, after all. minseok used to talk to him like this-with bright eyes and a gentle voice. now, all he says are curt replies. if he ever shows any signs of the minseok he used to be, it will definitely be when he is talking about sehun; jongin knows he should not take it personally, but it is stressful-he’s the boyfriend, after all.
the next time it happens is when minseok gets extremely distressed by the lack of curtains in the other parts of the house. jongin was meaning to wash them; he didn’t bother to put on new ones because he didn’t think minseok would get out of bed on his own. seeing the amount of sunlight, minseok freaked out and hid inside the closet. jongin tried to gently coerce him into coming out, so that he could give him a hug to reassure him that he is safe and no one wants to kill him. minseok doesn’t believe him at all; at this point, he starts talking to someone inside the closet so jongin presses on patiently because that is all that is left to do. but then, minseok stops talking altogether and instead chooses to stare into space. he’s back in his own world and he doesn’t notice the tired sigh and the resigned face jongin puts on before he quietly walks away.
every time i think about you, i feel ghosts ripping up my heartstrings
today, minseok is dreaming of sehun peacefully until he wakes up to evil laughter by his bed. he opens his eyes to find the horrible lady sitting on their broken television again; this time, she is not alone. there is a boy peeking out of the closet, smiling at him demonically and twin boys on his side, looking at him like they know a secret that he doesn’t. it terrifies him so he scrambles out of their shared bed and looks for se-no, jongin. he finds the younger boy sleeping on the couch, but he does not want to wake him up because the girl by the jar is watching minseok and something behind him and he knows that the lady is there. he falls to the ground and attempts to scream because he can feel the lady’s hands on his neck, strangling him while whispering die, die, die in his ear, repeatedly. he places his hands to pull her hands away but she is just too strong.
sehun, help me, minseok says again and again until he feels jongin’s hands curl around his to pull them away. he breathes in as deep as he can and jongin doesn’t look him in the eye. minseok wonders why but he never asks; he only takes jongin’s hand as the other helps him up and leads him back to the bedroom. minseok does not let go because he is afraid that the lady will come back so he asks jongin to stay. jongin places a kiss on the top of minseok’s head and acquiesces. don’t worry, hyung, i won’t let them hurt you.
sehun would never turn his back on me, minseok thinks as he watches jongin tuck himself in with the younger man’s back facing him. he looks for the warm hugs and loving kisses but they do not come so minseok lies down a little closer to jongin. he wraps his arms around himself as he thinks about how sehun used to comfort him when he was scared and lonely and he wishes it was sehun beside him instead, because he had always known what to say and do-minseok has never felt safer than how he did then.
so mostly i try to avoid it and instead end up drinking
hyung, jongin says as he pokes his head into the bedroom. he looks for minseok in the closet but he doesn’t find him there. he checks under the bed and finds the older man curled up under a comforter. hyung, a bookstore opened down the street, jongin nudges minseok but the latter is unresponsive. hyu~ng, jongin tries again, tugging at the comforter. hyung, let’s go check it out~ he successfully manages removing the comforter, but he doesn’t successfully get a response from minseok.
jongin closes his eyes and breathes deeply before lying down on the floor. hyung, is it fun here? how about we stay here and talk, hyung? don’t you want to lie on the bed instead? hyung? minseok’s steady breathing is the only response jongin gets. he waits a little longer before he gives up-it maybe one of those days.
so when he is safely outside the bedroom door, he picks up the phone and calls the first name on the address book. i don’t know what to do anymore, joonmyun-hyung. what else am i supposed to do? jongin sniffs into the receiver. he looks up to keep the tears from falling, but they do. jongin swallows the feeling that is bubbling up inside him.
no, jongin, he tells himself, you can’t give up on hyung.
because i just want to escape you
today, minseok wakes up feeling extremely chipper. he gets out of bed and is exhilarated to find that jongin has dutifully closed all curtains today. it’s quite dark but minseok doesn’t mind; it’s always safety over luxury, after all. jongin almost falls off the couch when he notices the bounce in minseok’s step. good morning, umin-hyung, he says casually, testing the waters.
good morning, jongin, minseok practically beams at him. jongin is bewildered-minseok has never been that happy because of him in months. he follows minseok closely the whole day; this is a complete turnaround from yesterday’s episode. minseok does nothing unusual-except today, he eats properly and he doesn’t break anything. minseok is so normal that jongin is disoriented-very much so that he barely feels minseok sit beside him.
minseok is having the time of his life; he finished a book and showered luxuriously. he is just about to settle on jongin’s lap for a pillow when it all starts. at first, he thought he was seeing things wrong, but when it keeps happening, he finally stands up to check their bedroom. when he gets there, he is baffled to see ten children jumping around. they all look at him and their varying states of bleeding freezes minseok. one of them walks towards him and minseok screams.
but i don’t know how much longer i can keep running
minseok is running out of things to calm him down; he finds that he cannot hide under the bed or inside the closet anymore because they follow him there. staying somewhere open is not an option because being out in the open gives the monsters enough space to terrify him. for now, he finds himself, more often than not, between jongin and the arm of the couch, holding a book to drown them all out. reading has always been a comfort for minseok and now it comes handy because it keeps him busy mentally and visually that he doesn’t see them look at him malignantly.
jongin has come to make a habit of sleeping on the couch, just so that minseok can keep reading and reading because minseok barely sleeps now; he hates the nightmares and he hates everything that is not reading-he barely lifts his eyes off the books anymore. jongin had to go out to get new books at the bookstore down the street because minseok was almost done with the meager amount of novels they had at home.
jongin has expressed his worries about minseok and his lack of sleep; to humor him, minseok sneaks in a few minutes of sleep because that is all that he has. if he sleeps any longer, he knows the monsters will come-he barely has enough energy to stay alive; he doesn’t have energy to fight them off.
later, minseok discovers that he does not have enough energy to tune them out-he can’t focus on his novels anymore because the screams are getting louder and louder and at this point, all he really wants to do is to shut them up. however, he doesn’t know a single thing about that-he doesn’t have the energy either-so he does what works best-he keeps reading and reading and reading.
is it strange that i sort of wish you’d call
because of persistent friends like jongdae and joonmyun, jongin finds the courage to ask minseok if he wants to go to the doctor with him. at first, minseok is wary because jongin, the sun shouldn’t see me-they will find me. jongin, they will kill me. jongin promises to keep him safe and minseok almost agrees-
-until he asks where they were going.
why would we need to go to the psychiatrist, jongin? minseok asks monotonously.
hyung, you’ve been unwell recently and i'm really worried about you, jongin fidgets a little, afraid of how minseok will react. the older man glares at him icily.
i'm not sick, jongin, there’s nothing wrong with me.
you’ve been seeing a lot of things recently, hyung. i'm just very concerned; you haven’t been able to do the things you always liked doing. you’re always afraid, hyung, please w-
stop, jongin, stop. i'm not going to see the doctor. i'm fine.
but, hyung-
minseok glares at jongin and jongin knows it’s the end of the discussion. he lifts his hands in surrender before sighing and retreating into the kitchen. but, hyung, there’s nothing there, jongin sighs to himself as he cards his hand through his hair. there was never anything or anyone there, it’s all in your head, hyung.
is it strange that after all this time and the silence that stretches between us-
jongdae looks up to find an extremely tired jongin standing in front of him, ordering the strongest brewed coffee he can offer. jongdae reluctantly makes the cup because he thinks caffeine is not the answer to the younger boy’s problems. jongin needs someone to talk to and a little bit of rest, so jongdae takes his apron off and sits with him immediately after finishing orders.
same old, same old? jongdae asks quietly. jongin looks at him and smiles sadly before responding. same old, same old, the tired boy echoes. he didn't go to the doctor with you? jongdae prods a bit more. when jongin meets his eyes, he feels terrible for asking. the light from jongin's eyes is gone; all that's left is a lifeless shell of what they used to be.
i don't know what to do anymore, hyung, jongin is looking at his hands.
jongdae wants to hug him but he looks like he'd crumble if he did, so jongdae settles with a meaningful smile. it's sehun again, isn't it? he pushes the conversation just a bit forward because jongin has to let it all out.
he doesn't even want to get out of bed anymore, jongin breathes out as he rubs his hands for much needed warmth. how do i tell him that sehun never existed? how do i explain to hyung when he believes that sehun is real?
didn't sehun stop appearing months ago? jongdae asks, confusion clear in his voice.
it doesn't matter if he appears or not; minseok-hyung doesn't even see me anymore. everything is about sehun and it won't matter even if i leave-
then leave, jongin. i think you've done enough.
i still imagine us somehow meeting again and the light coming back into your eyes
jongin is on the couch, staring blankly at the doorway to their room. he feels himself slowly giving up as he waits for minseok to come out and do something else other than hide under the bed. he's made lunch but minseok doesn't seem to be planning to eat soon, so he turns the television on to keep his mind off of things.
things, like, for example, how jongdae has repeatedly insisted that jongin needs to leave the past few days and how joonmyun had offered his apartment for jongin to stay in.
he thought about it carefully and if he was quite honest with himself, it would be the best course of action. minseok still refuses to go to the doctor and he is gradually getting worse; at this point, jongin knows that if he doesn't leave, he'll drive himself crazy.
yet whenever he manages to coerce minseok out of the bedroom and into the bath or the kitchen, he tells himself there’s hope and he can’t leave. true, minseok trusts him less-if minseok trusts him at all nowadays-but jongin knows minseok couldn't live without assistance. his family is far away and there is only so little people minseok trusts.
he can't possibly leave just like that, can he?
that maybe the good things will win over the bad things this time,
today, minseok is tucked under his blanket because there are voices everywhere and he doesn't know where they are coming from. He can't breathe because someone is sitting on his chest and he doesn't have the guts to shoo it away. he wants to scream but he won't, because it only makes them stronger and louder. minseok is tired and he just wants to rest, but if he sleeps, he'll just dream of scarier things so he keeps his eyes open with all the strength he can muster.
he thinks of sehun again, because if sehun was here, he would be sleeping a dreamless sleep. minseok has half a mind to go to jongin, but jongin is one of them. he’d thought jongin believed in him, but that day-minseok refuses to think any more than that. minseok feels so alone and worthless, and during times like this, he misses sehun even more.
he tries not to think of sehun because it hurts to hear his voice and to see his face only to realize he's been imagining things. it's almost like taking the elevator to the thirtieth floor only to jump out the window when he gets there. it hurts because he needs sehun so much now, but he won’t come, minseok kno-
hyung, a familiar voice calls out for him from the bedside. hyung, you're suffocating yourself, get out of there.
minseok freezes because he can't let himself believe that this is sehun; sehun left without saying anything and no matter how much he wished for sehun to come ba-
sehun tugs minseok’s blanket off and smiles brightly. minseok can only stare because he doesn’t know if this is him getting desperate; is he that despera-hyung, why are you staring at me blankly? don't you know me anymore? was i gone that long?
and it is then that minseok realizes that he isn’t hearing anything else but sehun's voice-
not even jongin quietly and reluctantly saying goodbye.
that maybe it’ll be different as if by magic
hyung, you have to eat, sehun says as he casually drapes an arm around minseok. minseok laughs to himself because he knows this. it’s familiar and warm; minseok thinks this may actually be the happiest he has been for a while.
you're hungry, aren't you? minseok asks. sehun grins playfully at him before flopping onto his lap. sehun looks up at him from there before nodding like the little shit that he is. minseok shakes his head and burrows further into the couch. cook for yourself, he tells the younger boy before diving back into the book he was reading.
recently, minseok finds that reading is starting to get quite manageable. it's becoming a little quieter with sehun around-and it hasn't even been a month. it's quite ironic if he thinks about it, since sehun is as needy for attention as a newborn puppy. it's not like how it used be but it's definitely better, minseok thinks to himself as he pretends not to see sehun clinging to his arm, whining about his unfortunate inability to do anything properly in the kitchen.
you have to feed me, hyung, i'm starving~ let's eat~
sehun is insistent so minseok closes his book with a playful sigh and hops off the couch. make jongin cook you something, minseok tells sehun automatically, because it had always been jongin providing if he needed something. sehun only cocks his head in response. but, hyung, jongin left days ago, remember?
minseok stops walking and looks back at sehun. he did?
last night i nightmared but i’ve gotten used to it;
minseok is freshly bathed and quite rejuvenated when he enters the bedroom. he is drying his hair when a chill runs down his spine. he hears a voice, a female voice-an old lady-laughing menacingly from behind him. minseok turns to see a distorted figure-armless, eyeless and withered-sitting on the television set. he wants to hide but sehun told him not to, that he should fight and be strong, so he simply turns away and continues drying his hair. but the lady laughs hysterically and minseok's terrified.
you are happy, aren't you? that sehun is here-but he left you, didn't he? what's to stop him from leaving again? you? she laughs condescendingly and now minseok wants to hit her, so he grabs the glass lamp by his bedside and throws it at the television set.
broken shards litter the bedroom floor but minseok is oblivious. he just wants to hurt the lady, whoever she is, so he lifts his arm, ready to swing it at full force. he steps on the shards and barely feels himself bleed-until sehun comes barging in to stop him.
hyung, what are you doing?! you’re hurting yourself, minseok stops moving to look at sehun standing at the doorway. this feels like it's happened before but minseok doesn’t remember when and with who, so he shrugs before he moves towards the television set and hits it really, really hard.
i have long since given up on trying to sleep.
minseok fidgets a lot on the backseat of the family car, as his father makes his way towards the suburbs. his parents had come to pick him up from the hospital, because the doctor insisted that he call them after patching him up. his mother is gently caressing his left arm; there’s a cast on his right. shh, she tells him as he attempts to move away from the sun, i am here, minseok. i won't let anything harm you. minseok tightens his hand on her knee and she responds by making little circular movements in the inside of his arm. he doesn't notice her lifting his bandaged hand to her lips, as if attempting to heal it faster with a mother's love.
where is sehun, minseok asks because he doesn't feel safe without sehun, but his mother only shushes him. rest, minseok. we can talk later.
but, i need sehun, minseok says and insists that they return to his home, back to their apartment, because sehun must be there cleaning up the mess he made. what kind of hyung is he if he leaves just like that? after all, it was sehun who forced him to take a cab to the hospital. it was also sehun who held his hand on the way and while he talked to the nurses to explain what had happened.
minseok, i was there, but nobody else was. i understand that you're confused but, you'll feel better if you rest a bit, his mother tells him. she cards a hand through minseok's hair repeatedly to calm him down. sleep for now, minseok. you'll feel better back home.
minseok quiets down but he doesn't sleep for the rest of the trip.
(to his delight, he finds sehun waiting for him in his room.)
nothing feels right without you beside me.
it takes minseok quite a while before he finally convinces his parents that he can move back to his apartment. they'd expressed their worries of him being alone, but minseok shrugs. i won't be alone, i have sehun with me. his mother sighs because she knows there isn't much they can do, really. as long as you're sure you'll be fine, she acquiesces, promise me you'll call when you get home.
minseok hadn't wanted to, but sehun said it was the best way to go about. so now, minseok is here, standing in front of the telephone and staring at the red light blinking at him.
hyung, you have messages, sehun points out before insisting that minseok play them all back. minseok frowns and reaches for the receiver.
but, hyung, it might be important, sehun whines the way he knows minseok hates. minseok sighs because sehun can be annoying if he wants to, so all he says is fine, fine, i'm playing them back. he presses the button sehun is pointing to and winces at the beep.
[beep]
You have a new message. To listen to the message, please press the asterisk key.
[beep]
hello, hyung. it’s me. you must hate me for leaving, but i'm still worried about you. are you eating well? are you able to sleep alone? has auntie come over to help you clean up? have you made coffee yet? did you forget how to make a cup again? the jar of instant coffee should always be in the third shelf from the right so you won't forget where it is. i'm sorry for leaving, hyung. i'm sorry i couldn't take care of you.
minseok thinks the message has ended when he hears jongin shift before whispering a gentle i love you, hyung.
the answering machine goes back on standby; minseok is motionless for a few moments. sehun is silent and carefully watching him. minseok has half a mind to wonder why and then he finds himself reaching out to press the button again.
[beep]
hello, hyung. it’s me. you must hate me for leaving, bu-
[beep]
are you sure you want to delete this message? to delete, please press the asterisk key.
[beep]
you have successfully deleted the message.
minseok lifts the receiver up and dials his mother's number. sehun drapes himself around minseok as he tells his mother that he has gotten home safely and is about to turn in. his mother asks him a few more times if he is absolutely sure that he will be fine on his own and he mumbles one last yes, i will, talk to you later, mom. sehun chuckles by his ear as he puts the receiver down.
cheer up, hyung, sehun says, kissing the tip of minseok’s ear. minseok tilts his head because he’s ticklish on that area. he turns to bark at sehun because he hates getting tickled, but the grin on the taller boy’s face is irresistible.
so, instead, minseok ends up smiling softly at sehun and whispering i love you.
sehun giggles the way he does when he’s extremely happy. he hugs minseok tighter and says, i love you too. minseok freezes in place because for a moment, sehun sounded just like jongin.