significant life junk, positivity~ etc.
I would say this is TL;DR but people can suck it up and learn to read! ;P (or at least skim properly, that is also a reading skill!). Starts off whiny but it's not a whiny post at all, I promise! ^^;
So... somehow I'm working 19 days in a row right now and yet barely making more than 30 hours a week sometimes, because my shifts are 4 to 5 hours each. Last month I only had 3 days off, but I'm barely managing to save money after paying off things from the summer; I needed to start saving this month but looks like it'll be next month now, and I've no room in there for other shit I might need like new shoes before going to Japan where I can't buy shoes in my size...
Despite that, I'm doing okay. It's easy to catch up on sleep when your shifts are only 5 hours long. But since I have a goal and I'm doing my best, I don't have to feel like I'm letting myself down, and that means I have less anxiety than I usually would if I had to work without days off. I need to find more ways to make money without going crazy ^^;
I'm still planning to go back to Japan in February on a working holiday. I have to just say it and do it; the more I say it, the less I can run away. I'm still terrified of ending up broke and destitute and depressed and lonely and either in debt or forced to come home after 4 months, but I know there are tons of different options I have to try before ending up at the broke and destitute stage, so I just have to go and try my best! If I try my best and face forward, I'm relatively certain things will be fine; rationally it's true, I just have to convince my fear of that.
you can come back home if you fail!
no, no I won't! I will just try again!!!
I honestly don't think I could have been strong enough to start changing this summer if it wasn't for Hi-Standard.
No matter what else he does, I think I will be grateful for the rest of my life to the boy who introduced me to them. He's always grateful that they changed his life, and they have definitely started changing my life too. I can't rely on people all the time to hold me up, I can't expect to be able to complain to someone who will tell me the right thing every time I feel a little bit weak and need motivation, but I can listen to music whenever I need to, as often as I need to, and Hi-Sta will remind me exactly what's important when I lost focus, and remind me that I have all the strength I need, give me strength, remind me I don't need to feel bad. I get unfocused SO easily and they help so much; what you need when you are getting over habits, and trying to change thinking habits, is a) constant reminders b) something to REPLACE those weak thoughts with. They help with both of those things.
I'm trying really hard to become a stronger person... able to be happy more of the time and be in a good mood for other people too, so that I make good connections, and also trying to do more of the things that are important to me and work towards my goals as strongly as I can. If I compare myself to people I look up to, I am still such a whiny baby weakling, but, if I compare myself to "me from the past", I think I am being amazing. I need to keep this up and remember! I'm often so afraid of "forgetting my path" and just sitting down in the mud and regressing to my past self sometime when I have a bad day and forgetting everything I've learned lately, but... that won't happen! I have a goal. I have learned things that can't be undone. I will be okay.
Listening to the radio (I listened to Dr. Drew's Loveline with JGL tonight, because I am secretly 16 ;P), they say that if you have an addiction and are trying to stop the habit, your body & unconscious mind will keep doing everything to get you back to the old habits; even if it seems rational to you, it's just your body making you rationalize something that will get you close to the old habits again... and that this will happen for at least 6 months. I think that changing my fears and weakness habits is a similar thing; they are so ingrained from throughout my life and so many years that they are like an addiction, or worse. If I can keep up this improvement and new habits for 6 months, I think I will be able to look back and be amazed at myself. I'm looking forward to it. ^^;
(That's not to say anything about my internet addiction; I most definitely have a legitimate internet addiction, but it's not keeping me from going to work, and I can't cut it out cold turkey because the internet is too useful, so, I'm not gonna bother with that one ;P Cutting out fandom was basically the action I took against my internet addiction and for now, that was drastic enough and has been working decently; It's easier to notice when you're stupidly wasting time online when you have refreshed lj/fb/twitter/gmail like 10 times each because no one's around ^^;)
I guess the thing is, I still feel shitty and weak and fearful and tired sometimes but my strong and positive feelings are getting stronger, so they win more and more often. And I think the more I let my strong feelings win, the more I will be able to change. This chain reaction is incredibly hard to start, but I think starting is the hardest part.
Now I gotta do dishes and go to bed. ^^;
*****************
I can't remember if I posted about it, but when I listened to this song, back in July, the lyrics made me cry:
http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/histandard/thesoundofsecretminds.html
I mean, seriously... I'm fucking 30. This relates to me so much. I've been holding back on myself for a decade, if not my entire life. Out of fear and doubtful thought patterns that kept getting stronger and stronger and making me dull and anxious and giving up on my potential. I gotta change my life like this. Live honestly from my heart and not be afraid.
♥
So... somehow I'm working 19 days in a row right now and yet barely making more than 30 hours a week sometimes, because my shifts are 4 to 5 hours each. Last month I only had 3 days off, but I'm barely managing to save money after paying off things from the summer; I needed to start saving this month but looks like it'll be next month now, and I've no room in there for other shit I might need like new shoes before going to Japan where I can't buy shoes in my size...
Despite that, I'm doing okay. It's easy to catch up on sleep when your shifts are only 5 hours long. But since I have a goal and I'm doing my best, I don't have to feel like I'm letting myself down, and that means I have less anxiety than I usually would if I had to work without days off. I need to find more ways to make money without going crazy ^^;
I'm still planning to go back to Japan in February on a working holiday. I have to just say it and do it; the more I say it, the less I can run away. I'm still terrified of ending up broke and destitute and depressed and lonely and either in debt or forced to come home after 4 months, but I know there are tons of different options I have to try before ending up at the broke and destitute stage, so I just have to go and try my best! If I try my best and face forward, I'm relatively certain things will be fine; rationally it's true, I just have to convince my fear of that.
you can come back home if you fail!
no, no I won't! I will just try again!!!
I honestly don't think I could have been strong enough to start changing this summer if it wasn't for Hi-Standard.
No matter what else he does, I think I will be grateful for the rest of my life to the boy who introduced me to them. He's always grateful that they changed his life, and they have definitely started changing my life too. I can't rely on people all the time to hold me up, I can't expect to be able to complain to someone who will tell me the right thing every time I feel a little bit weak and need motivation, but I can listen to music whenever I need to, as often as I need to, and Hi-Sta will remind me exactly what's important when I lost focus, and remind me that I have all the strength I need, give me strength, remind me I don't need to feel bad. I get unfocused SO easily and they help so much; what you need when you are getting over habits, and trying to change thinking habits, is a) constant reminders b) something to REPLACE those weak thoughts with. They help with both of those things.
I'm trying really hard to become a stronger person... able to be happy more of the time and be in a good mood for other people too, so that I make good connections, and also trying to do more of the things that are important to me and work towards my goals as strongly as I can. If I compare myself to people I look up to, I am still such a whiny baby weakling, but, if I compare myself to "me from the past", I think I am being amazing. I need to keep this up and remember! I'm often so afraid of "forgetting my path" and just sitting down in the mud and regressing to my past self sometime when I have a bad day and forgetting everything I've learned lately, but... that won't happen! I have a goal. I have learned things that can't be undone. I will be okay.
Listening to the radio (I listened to Dr. Drew's Loveline with JGL tonight, because I am secretly 16 ;P), they say that if you have an addiction and are trying to stop the habit, your body & unconscious mind will keep doing everything to get you back to the old habits; even if it seems rational to you, it's just your body making you rationalize something that will get you close to the old habits again... and that this will happen for at least 6 months. I think that changing my fears and weakness habits is a similar thing; they are so ingrained from throughout my life and so many years that they are like an addiction, or worse. If I can keep up this improvement and new habits for 6 months, I think I will be able to look back and be amazed at myself. I'm looking forward to it. ^^;
(That's not to say anything about my internet addiction; I most definitely have a legitimate internet addiction, but it's not keeping me from going to work, and I can't cut it out cold turkey because the internet is too useful, so, I'm not gonna bother with that one ;P Cutting out fandom was basically the action I took against my internet addiction and for now, that was drastic enough and has been working decently; It's easier to notice when you're stupidly wasting time online when you have refreshed lj/fb/twitter/gmail like 10 times each because no one's around ^^;)
I guess the thing is, I still feel shitty and weak and fearful and tired sometimes but my strong and positive feelings are getting stronger, so they win more and more often. And I think the more I let my strong feelings win, the more I will be able to change. This chain reaction is incredibly hard to start, but I think starting is the hardest part.
Now I gotta do dishes and go to bed. ^^;
*****************
I can't remember if I posted about it, but when I listened to this song, back in July, the lyrics made me cry:
http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/histandard/thesoundofsecretminds.html
I mean, seriously... I'm fucking 30. This relates to me so much. I've been holding back on myself for a decade, if not my entire life. Out of fear and doubtful thought patterns that kept getting stronger and stronger and making me dull and anxious and giving up on my potential. I gotta change my life like this. Live honestly from my heart and not be afraid.
Click to view♥