(no subject)
My witness is the empty sky.
I cannot say this year was thriving, infact I think it instead caused more burdens than bridges. The first half could of been the most blossoming period of my life, constant, free and leaving me with the world on a leash... I had one best friend and in reality, that is all you fucking need. You just need one person to be going through the same thing and sedate you from loneliness. But now, it is December. The nights have become longer, I have recently found escapes in restaurant bathrooms where I hit the walls when the stalls are empty just because I cannot stand crowds that don't amuse me. I distinctly feel my cerebellum transforming into a rough environment probably questioning all of my contradicting actions. I went from empty to full, high-strung to mellow and depressed and finally to numb. I had everything, lost it.. said goodbye to a best friend, half of my family, and the unconditional love that was attatched to our relationships. I have sincerly felt hollow due to their nonexistance and the past 4 or so monthes have simply endured in my energy trying to replace their loss with my own graditude which was never existant in the first place. How do you replace something when you don't even have the right materials? How do you go back to a lifestyle you know isn't right? This whole year was based on me recovering from something I never wanted to let go of, a long route of doctor visits, airplanes and threats. My parents have finally gained trust within me again, my body has finally forgiven me and my sister and I can finally talk without fear of another...but me, I have never felt so used. I feel as if before, I had something noone could take away and yet now, all of my actions are wasted and dedicated to their hopefull reactions. So, for this new year.. Do I risk my downfall and complete myself with what makes me feel best, no matter what toll it takes on my health and family? Or do I continue on living my life for others and feeling useless. My resolution is to feel whole again, in control, in unconditional love and be the person I once was and felt okay with. I just want to wake up and be okay. Goodbye 2005, Hello 2006. Tomorrow is a new day AND new year. Thankyou to those who have listened to me and proven my strengths. Cheers to adreneline rushes and no goodbyes, that is all I want, really.
Ps. This is my last entry on xinsertxherex.. I have moved to _lozengeoflove
I cannot say this year was thriving, infact I think it instead caused more burdens than bridges. The first half could of been the most blossoming period of my life, constant, free and leaving me with the world on a leash... I had one best friend and in reality, that is all you fucking need. You just need one person to be going through the same thing and sedate you from loneliness. But now, it is December. The nights have become longer, I have recently found escapes in restaurant bathrooms where I hit the walls when the stalls are empty just because I cannot stand crowds that don't amuse me. I distinctly feel my cerebellum transforming into a rough environment probably questioning all of my contradicting actions. I went from empty to full, high-strung to mellow and depressed and finally to numb. I had everything, lost it.. said goodbye to a best friend, half of my family, and the unconditional love that was attatched to our relationships. I have sincerly felt hollow due to their nonexistance and the past 4 or so monthes have simply endured in my energy trying to replace their loss with my own graditude which was never existant in the first place. How do you replace something when you don't even have the right materials? How do you go back to a lifestyle you know isn't right? This whole year was based on me recovering from something I never wanted to let go of, a long route of doctor visits, airplanes and threats. My parents have finally gained trust within me again, my body has finally forgiven me and my sister and I can finally talk without fear of another...but me, I have never felt so used. I feel as if before, I had something noone could take away and yet now, all of my actions are wasted and dedicated to their hopefull reactions. So, for this new year.. Do I risk my downfall and complete myself with what makes me feel best, no matter what toll it takes on my health and family? Or do I continue on living my life for others and feeling useless. My resolution is to feel whole again, in control, in unconditional love and be the person I once was and felt okay with. I just want to wake up and be okay. Goodbye 2005, Hello 2006. Tomorrow is a new day AND new year. Thankyou to those who have listened to me and proven my strengths. Cheers to adreneline rushes and no goodbyes, that is all I want, really.
Ps. This is my last entry on xinsertxherex.. I have moved to _lozengeoflove