Sep 29, 2010 12:27
Certain things always make me think of different people. TV shows, smells, seasons, everything. Most of the time it's good things, but every now and then, it'll knot my stomach up in a bad way.
Right now, the changing air, the blowing leaves and cool breezes are making me miss a ton of things simultaneously. I miss winterguard and apple picking with my family. I miss football games and halloween. I miss nana and thanksgivings the way they used to be. I miss having Chris here all the time. I miss going on walks with him when I need to escape. I miss going on drives with courtney and just venting to each other about everything and knowing EXACTLY what the other means. I miss being someone's person.
IMing and texting with court isn't always enough. This time of year just begs for the two of us to jump in our cars and drive anywhere and just do nothing. I'm aching to drive up to Buffalo all the time just so we can hang like we used to.
I have a tendency of splitting people up into pairs. I always feel like I have to label things. Well, she has him, and she has her, and who do I have? It's so stupid because I have people, obviously. But at any given time, I'm always missing someone. Even though I saw Chris and Courtney a bunch this summer, it still didn't feel like enough.
I'm having a hard time realizing that things will never be the way they always were. Sure, Chris and I will probably live together at some point. But I'll never be able to run to Tim Horton's, grab him a hot apple cider and just drive to his apartment to escape my own life. And it will probably be better running through a drivethru knowing I get to go to our home together and go to sleep in our bed, but right now, I just miss seeing him every day and walking to the RC for lunch.
And even if I get to see Chris every day, there's a good chance it won't be the same way with my other friends. Court and I have talked a lot about the future and seeing each other and stuff, but how can you really make sure you end up near enough to see each other all the time?
I'm in a weird mood. Maybe it's homesickness, but mostly I just feel alone sometimes. And I know I have the tendency to feel like if I don't have certain people with me, then I'm just all alone. It's so stupid, and I'm trying hard to get a lot better.
I think what it really is, and it sounds stupid and cliche, but I feel like I'm missing part of myself. Like literally, I need Chris. Not that I want him or I love him, but I need him. He's so linked to my self esteem that it starts to crumble a little when he's not here to help me keep my crazy in. And wihle he helps keep me grounded, Courtney reminds me it's okay to be crazy sometimes and feel the way I feel. I know I can tell her absolutely anything without any fear of being judged for any of it. It's nice to have someone like that on call. And considering I'm so nuts sometimes, it's a tall order to find someone who doesn't judge even a little. I'm lucky, really, to have people love me inside and out no matter how crazy I can be. And though sometimes some people make me feel so much worse about it, I know I have others who are constantly reminding me how awesome they think I am.
Blah! I started out in a happy missing mood, fresh from two hours of iming with court, and still smiling from the sweet message I woke up to from Chris, but now talking about it just makes me miss them and brings me down lol
BUT, yay to courtney visiting this weekend and chris coming next. :)
courtney,
random,
chris,
life