(no subject)

[ximxnotxemox]

i'm getting tired of the life i have now. i HATE missing marco..but i DO miss him. me and l'donne are going back out..sad but true, although some people dont like the idea and the fact that some people are jealous..like *ahem* wont say her name. but yea. its horrible. and i feel horrible about it too. i feel like a total fuck up. i know i fucked up this time. i told people i was gonna stay single for a while cuz i was still getting over marco, and i am, but i thought it would help more to actually get with someone..i dontl ike the person that i am now. l'donne called me twice today..but i kinda ignored her calls and everyone elses except jeffrey..i talked to him like an hour and a half then i got off but havent taken anyone elses calls...i am so confused right now its depressing. I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be god. i really do miss marco. i wanna get over it so bad though. i dont wanna goto school and just see him everywhere i go..acting like he doesn't exist in the hallways..and seeing how happy he looks with traci and whatnot..as if he'd never been with me. or in love with me. or even know if i existed or not. i hate how i would be in a group,and he'd be standing there almost beside me, diagnoly, laughing or something..as if i wasn't there at all..i feel invisible to him. it hurts sooo bad. soo fucking bad. i hate how he promised we would always be together, and how he pledged his undying love to me, a love that would never end and soon enough realized...it did. it really did. but i know there IS..even just a LITTLE spark between us that still love eachother..i know he wouldnt know what to do without me..cuz what WOULD he do without me?...You were everything, everything that I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away All this time you were pretending, So much for my happy ending all these things running through my head. i feel sooo confused. and yet i dont know what i'm confused about. i think its of marco..knowing that one day we all happy..and next thing you know everything goes downhill, his friends thought we spend too much time together and not them..wtf..cant lovers spend as much time with eachother as they want?..and next thing you know, he calls for time off..TIME OFF..NOT break up...TIME OFF...and what do i find out?--he cheats on me. course he stops hanging out with me..but then when one of his best friends found out, HE was pissed, and then tells me on the phone with kathy...*sigh*..what did i do wrong? what did i do to deserve this? well his friends got what they wanted..me and marco basically arent together anymore..and now theyre not even friends with marco...wtf fucking kinda deal is that?...no matter how much i want or how tempted i am to just grab marco by the throat and scram WHYY OH GOD WHY ME?! in his face and kiss him soo fucking hard, i bust his lip, crying hard.And i never realized i can be what i hate. i miss how he use to look me straight in the eyes, sending chills down my spine, i miss the way his lips felt against mine, and his hands caressing my cheeks, hair, or lower back, i miss the way he hugged me and seemed as he didnt wanna let go, i miss how he said i love you even tho the words dont even make sense or mean anything to me anymore, i miss his hair, my fingers always running through it or my hands hovering over his finger tips and palm, i miss his fucking smile oh god that fucking smile lit up my day, i actually miss how he was sad so that i could always cheer him up with kisses, i miss those passionate kisses we had, i miss how things use to be, i miss how HE use to be, i miss how he sang 'no puedo estar sin ti' to me, or 'i miss you' by incubus, i miss his voice, i miss how he would whisper sweet things in my ear and end up with the sweetest kisses,i know my words are like daggers but they cut me too. i miss his pillow he let me burrow/have while he was visiting family in mexico, i miss his strawberry milkshakes he would always make me all the time, i miss the way he smelled, or he slightly smelling my hair, i miss how he would write me letters, i miss how we would goto the movies or to shows, i miss our 'memory book', where i would keep everything that he gave me, from bandaids to strands of his hair to movie tickets, game tickets, warp tour ticket, pictures,...letters.since then you've walked a thousand miles in silence short of a mark i still have these memories. i miss how he would stare at my during class, i miss us being tardy for class together, i miss us meeting eachother halfway down the street, i miss our jogs, walks, i miss how he first said i love you to me at the pavilion in the moonlight, i miss how he walked me home at night even tho i didnt want him to but he insisted, i miss him walking me to my front door, i miss us laying in my bed staring at the fan and cuddling and talking about alotta things, we would never run outta things to say, i miss our conversations,remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now..remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go..rememeber cause thats all you can do..we'll never make another memory..we'll never make another memory god, i miss how we took pictures of eachother, i miss us being together, i miss being happy, i miss...him. How's it going to be, When it goes down, How's it going to be, When you're not around, How's it going to be, When you find out there was nothing, Between you and me, 'Cause I don't care, How's it going to be, How's it going to be, When you don't know me, any more, And How's it going to be

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"When you start talking I hear the Prozac
Convinced you've found your place
With the pierced queer"