Vulnerability, Chapter One
Title: Vulnerability
Rating: PG-13
Centric: Twins. It's Benji, first person.
Status: In Progress.
Summary: Following a tragic accident, twenty-one year old Joel is left broken. Severe brain damage and his mental capacity at that of a seven-year-old’s, his life and being has been turned upside down without him even knowing it. Everyone around him is well aware, however, especially his brother and caretaker Benji. In a world of discrimination and uncaring, Benji is left to care for and protect his twin against a harsh world where the “ideal” is to lock him in an institution.
At the first sign of struggle, Joel can and will be taken away from him. His boundaries are blurred, the world around him just waiting to break him down. Can he get to the marker where Joel could get a chance at healing, or will the insensitivity of those around him break him before?
“Benji!”
My eyes snap open, on instinct sitting up. I rub my eyes, confused as to exactly what had just awoken me. I don’t have to wait long for a response.
“Benji!” The voice comes again and immediately I’m on my feet.
“What, Joel?” I ask, anxious. All he has to do is call me and I’m there. I just wish I knew where “there” was right now.
“Where are you buddy?” I ask, glancing around the room. No… he’s not that close.
“Find me!” he giggles, his voice heavy in his speech impediment. It really comes out when he gets scared or excited about something. Right now I know it’s the latter.
“Hide and seek” I sigh. “Great.” Glancing at the clock, I start to wonder who in their right mind thinks that 5:02 AM is a good time to play hide and seek. Nevertheless, I play along.
“Gee, where’s Joel?” I over-exaggerate my tone knowing that, for one, it won’t be too hard to find him, and, secondly, it will make him give himself away if he thinks I won’t find him. See, I know hide and go seek. I was the best when I was a kid… just didn’t ever think that my twenty-one year old twin would reclaim it as his favorite game.
Just as I figured, he gives himself a way. He giggles from somewhere outside my door and I see three fingers from under the mostly-shut closet door. He quickly draws them back inside the closet, knowing he might give himself away. Still, I humor him.
“Where is he?” I continue. “I… I just don’t know…”
Again, stifled laughing. The corners of my mouth turn up and I glance in to the bathroom.
“Nope, not here” I say loudly. I glance down the hall and back to my room.
“Nope” I shake my head. “I give up.” I hear some shuffling in the closet, like he’s worried that I’ll just give up on him and leave him there. Knowing that continuing this much longer would just be mean, I sneak towards the closet.
“Gee, is he in here?” I peak through the door and he smiles, laughing.
“You found me!” he exclaims, glee on his tone as well as his face.
“Yep” I nod. “Pretty good hiding place, buddy. I might have never found you.” He grins, obviously proud of himself and I reach a hand down, carefully pulling him from the closet and to his feet. He’s still laughing, now out of breath. He clumsily wraps his arms around me and I smile, patting him on the back.
“Good job” I nod, closing my eyes. “We have to get you back to bed, bud. It’s too early.” He pulls from my arms, awkwardly sitting down, crossing his arms.
“No” he pouts, shaking his head. “I want to play.”
“We did play” I sigh. I haven’t been getting shit in the way of sleep for the past month. I wish he would just… sleep. But he doesn’t. He wakes up and is all over the place. I have to watch him constantly. But how am I supposed to watch him when I’m sleeping?
“I wanna play more” he sticks his bottom lip out. I sigh.
“Aren’t you tired?” I emphasize the word “tired”, knowing that it more than describes me. And you would think that after all he’s been through, he’d be sleeping like a baby. No such luck.
“Nope” he answers flatly. I lean my head back.
“I thought we talked about this, buddy” I try to keep my patience intact. “You go to bed at bedtime and you stay in bed until I come to get you in the morning.” He wrinkles his nose.
“What if I have to go to the bathroom?” he asks.
“Then you go right back to bed afterwards” I answer.
“But…” he scrambles for some excuse. “But what about my bedtime story?”
“I already read you your story…” I leave out the fact that I usually read him three before he finally falls asleep. Well, two and a half, three for good measure.
“But then I have to get up, and…” he continues. “It’s scary.”
“I left the lights on for you.” I gesture to the sconces along the hallway. I knew I’d have to leave nightlights for him. When he was a kid, he was scared to death of the dark.
“But…”
“Look, Joel. If you’re scared, come and get me. Otherwise, you need to try and sleep. No more getting up in the middle of the night wanting to play, okay?” I keep my voice soft, but still his bottom lip starts to quiver.
“Aw, Joely, come on” I sigh. “Don’t cry.” He shakes his head.
“I’m not crying” he insists. With the tears interfering with his already impaired voice to the point where I can barely understand what he’s saying.
Trying to be the disciplinarian, but unable to take the sight of my younger brother crying, I wrap my arms around him.
“Hey” I calm. “Hey, it’s okay.” He shakes his head.
“You’re mad at me” he wails.
“No” I contend gently. “I’m not mad. I just want you to understand that when I put you to bed, you need to stay there. You need to get your sleep.”
“I can’t” he insists, clinging to my shirt.
“Yes, you can” I persist. “You can, you just need to try.” He shakes his head, unconvinced.
“Look, if you can go a week without getting up in the middle of the night, I’ll take you to the zoo, okay?” I offer. Immediately, the crying ceases and his eyes light up.
“With the zebras?” he asks, mouth agape. He looks so adorable, I have to smile.
“Yup” I confirm. “And maybe we can get you a toy too.” He grins.
“But you have to try, okay?” I ask. He nods with a smile.
“I will. Promise.”
“Cross your heart and hope to die?” I ask. He giggles, but nods.
“You’re silly, Benji.” I smile. Well, at least I have that going for me.
“Come on, we have to get you back to bed.” He starts to pout, but I can literally see the remembrance of our little pact crossing his face. Immediately, he agrees. I pull him to his feet and guide him towards his room.
He climbs into bed and I carefully tuck the blankets over him, refluffing his pillows and making sure he’s all snuggled in. He closes his eyes sleepily.
“Night” he yawns. I smile, smoothing out his blankets one last time.
“Goodnight” I lean down, kissing his forehead. “Love you.”
“Love you too” he smiles groggily. I watch as, before my eyes, he drifts off to sleep. Breathing a sigh of relief, I carefully tip-toe from the room, closing the door almost all of the way. Once from the room, I lean my back against the wall to stabilize myself. Sometimes it just… hits me.
It doesn’t take more than a few seconds, however, before I start back towards my room, just a door from his. No matter how hard it may be, I can do this. I can take care of him. Everyone else may have their doubts, but I don’t. I’m so… focused on taking care of him that everything else just blends into the surroundings. All I know is one thing…. I will get my brother back. I will.
A Few Hours Later
11:55, I wake up. Stretching and yawning, I roll over, blown away by the fact I’ve been able to sleep this late. Usually Joel wakes me up periodically throughout the night, settling on seven AM as his wake-up time. However, here I am, alone in my room. The apartment is completely quiet… too quiet.
Pursing my lips, I get from my bed, feet warm against the cool hardwood. Carefully, I creak open my bedroom door. Tiptoeing from my room, I stop in front of his door. It’s partially closed, just as it was last night. A wave of fear washes over me. What if something happened to him during the night?
I step in the room, eyes landing on his still body. His eyes are fixed on the ceiling.
“Joel?” I whisper. He immediately jumps.
“Benji, can I get up yet?” his eyes are desperate. I scrunch my face up.
“Yeah, of course” I begin slowly. “Why wouldn’t you?”
“You said that if I got up during the night I couldn’t go to the zoo” he makes a worried face, like I might have already revoked my offer. I lick my lips.
“I meant early, like during the night” I explain, sitting on the foot of his bed. “You don’t have to be in here all morning.” A wave of relief washes over his features.
“Good, ’cause I was scared that you’d leave me here all day” he murmurs. “I get bored.”
“Of course I wouldn’t leave you in here all day” I stare at him point-blank. “You just need to sleep through the night, okay?” He nods.
“I’m hungry” he whines.
“For what?” I ask, wondering what we have in our ever-emptying cabinets.
“Um…” he rocks, hugging his knees as he looks to the ceiling in thought. “Pancakes.”
“Pancakes we can do” I smile, helping him from the bed.
“Yay” he grins. I stop in my tracks.
“Hey, you know what?” he shakes his head.
“I think we have some chocolate chips…” I tease. His eyes go wide.
“Really?” he asks, eyes dancing.
“Yep” I smile. He’s so… innocent. It’s like a little kid, and it’s adorable, but… I don’t want him to be little kid-adorable. I want him to be Joel… minus adorable. Just Joel. But for now… this is Joel. For now, this is my brother. This is him.
Rating: PG-13
Centric: Twins. It's Benji, first person.
Status: In Progress.
Summary: Following a tragic accident, twenty-one year old Joel is left broken. Severe brain damage and his mental capacity at that of a seven-year-old’s, his life and being has been turned upside down without him even knowing it. Everyone around him is well aware, however, especially his brother and caretaker Benji. In a world of discrimination and uncaring, Benji is left to care for and protect his twin against a harsh world where the “ideal” is to lock him in an institution.
At the first sign of struggle, Joel can and will be taken away from him. His boundaries are blurred, the world around him just waiting to break him down. Can he get to the marker where Joel could get a chance at healing, or will the insensitivity of those around him break him before?
“Benji!”
My eyes snap open, on instinct sitting up. I rub my eyes, confused as to exactly what had just awoken me. I don’t have to wait long for a response.
“Benji!” The voice comes again and immediately I’m on my feet.
“What, Joel?” I ask, anxious. All he has to do is call me and I’m there. I just wish I knew where “there” was right now.
“Where are you buddy?” I ask, glancing around the room. No… he’s not that close.
“Find me!” he giggles, his voice heavy in his speech impediment. It really comes out when he gets scared or excited about something. Right now I know it’s the latter.
“Hide and seek” I sigh. “Great.” Glancing at the clock, I start to wonder who in their right mind thinks that 5:02 AM is a good time to play hide and seek. Nevertheless, I play along.
“Gee, where’s Joel?” I over-exaggerate my tone knowing that, for one, it won’t be too hard to find him, and, secondly, it will make him give himself away if he thinks I won’t find him. See, I know hide and go seek. I was the best when I was a kid… just didn’t ever think that my twenty-one year old twin would reclaim it as his favorite game.
Just as I figured, he gives himself a way. He giggles from somewhere outside my door and I see three fingers from under the mostly-shut closet door. He quickly draws them back inside the closet, knowing he might give himself away. Still, I humor him.
“Where is he?” I continue. “I… I just don’t know…”
Again, stifled laughing. The corners of my mouth turn up and I glance in to the bathroom.
“Nope, not here” I say loudly. I glance down the hall and back to my room.
“Nope” I shake my head. “I give up.” I hear some shuffling in the closet, like he’s worried that I’ll just give up on him and leave him there. Knowing that continuing this much longer would just be mean, I sneak towards the closet.
“Gee, is he in here?” I peak through the door and he smiles, laughing.
“You found me!” he exclaims, glee on his tone as well as his face.
“Yep” I nod. “Pretty good hiding place, buddy. I might have never found you.” He grins, obviously proud of himself and I reach a hand down, carefully pulling him from the closet and to his feet. He’s still laughing, now out of breath. He clumsily wraps his arms around me and I smile, patting him on the back.
“Good job” I nod, closing my eyes. “We have to get you back to bed, bud. It’s too early.” He pulls from my arms, awkwardly sitting down, crossing his arms.
“No” he pouts, shaking his head. “I want to play.”
“We did play” I sigh. I haven’t been getting shit in the way of sleep for the past month. I wish he would just… sleep. But he doesn’t. He wakes up and is all over the place. I have to watch him constantly. But how am I supposed to watch him when I’m sleeping?
“I wanna play more” he sticks his bottom lip out. I sigh.
“Aren’t you tired?” I emphasize the word “tired”, knowing that it more than describes me. And you would think that after all he’s been through, he’d be sleeping like a baby. No such luck.
“Nope” he answers flatly. I lean my head back.
“I thought we talked about this, buddy” I try to keep my patience intact. “You go to bed at bedtime and you stay in bed until I come to get you in the morning.” He wrinkles his nose.
“What if I have to go to the bathroom?” he asks.
“Then you go right back to bed afterwards” I answer.
“But…” he scrambles for some excuse. “But what about my bedtime story?”
“I already read you your story…” I leave out the fact that I usually read him three before he finally falls asleep. Well, two and a half, three for good measure.
“But then I have to get up, and…” he continues. “It’s scary.”
“I left the lights on for you.” I gesture to the sconces along the hallway. I knew I’d have to leave nightlights for him. When he was a kid, he was scared to death of the dark.
“But…”
“Look, Joel. If you’re scared, come and get me. Otherwise, you need to try and sleep. No more getting up in the middle of the night wanting to play, okay?” I keep my voice soft, but still his bottom lip starts to quiver.
“Aw, Joely, come on” I sigh. “Don’t cry.” He shakes his head.
“I’m not crying” he insists. With the tears interfering with his already impaired voice to the point where I can barely understand what he’s saying.
Trying to be the disciplinarian, but unable to take the sight of my younger brother crying, I wrap my arms around him.
“Hey” I calm. “Hey, it’s okay.” He shakes his head.
“You’re mad at me” he wails.
“No” I contend gently. “I’m not mad. I just want you to understand that when I put you to bed, you need to stay there. You need to get your sleep.”
“I can’t” he insists, clinging to my shirt.
“Yes, you can” I persist. “You can, you just need to try.” He shakes his head, unconvinced.
“Look, if you can go a week without getting up in the middle of the night, I’ll take you to the zoo, okay?” I offer. Immediately, the crying ceases and his eyes light up.
“With the zebras?” he asks, mouth agape. He looks so adorable, I have to smile.
“Yup” I confirm. “And maybe we can get you a toy too.” He grins.
“But you have to try, okay?” I ask. He nods with a smile.
“I will. Promise.”
“Cross your heart and hope to die?” I ask. He giggles, but nods.
“You’re silly, Benji.” I smile. Well, at least I have that going for me.
“Come on, we have to get you back to bed.” He starts to pout, but I can literally see the remembrance of our little pact crossing his face. Immediately, he agrees. I pull him to his feet and guide him towards his room.
He climbs into bed and I carefully tuck the blankets over him, refluffing his pillows and making sure he’s all snuggled in. He closes his eyes sleepily.
“Night” he yawns. I smile, smoothing out his blankets one last time.
“Goodnight” I lean down, kissing his forehead. “Love you.”
“Love you too” he smiles groggily. I watch as, before my eyes, he drifts off to sleep. Breathing a sigh of relief, I carefully tip-toe from the room, closing the door almost all of the way. Once from the room, I lean my back against the wall to stabilize myself. Sometimes it just… hits me.
It doesn’t take more than a few seconds, however, before I start back towards my room, just a door from his. No matter how hard it may be, I can do this. I can take care of him. Everyone else may have their doubts, but I don’t. I’m so… focused on taking care of him that everything else just blends into the surroundings. All I know is one thing…. I will get my brother back. I will.
A Few Hours Later
11:55, I wake up. Stretching and yawning, I roll over, blown away by the fact I’ve been able to sleep this late. Usually Joel wakes me up periodically throughout the night, settling on seven AM as his wake-up time. However, here I am, alone in my room. The apartment is completely quiet… too quiet.
Pursing my lips, I get from my bed, feet warm against the cool hardwood. Carefully, I creak open my bedroom door. Tiptoeing from my room, I stop in front of his door. It’s partially closed, just as it was last night. A wave of fear washes over me. What if something happened to him during the night?
I step in the room, eyes landing on his still body. His eyes are fixed on the ceiling.
“Joel?” I whisper. He immediately jumps.
“Benji, can I get up yet?” his eyes are desperate. I scrunch my face up.
“Yeah, of course” I begin slowly. “Why wouldn’t you?”
“You said that if I got up during the night I couldn’t go to the zoo” he makes a worried face, like I might have already revoked my offer. I lick my lips.
“I meant early, like during the night” I explain, sitting on the foot of his bed. “You don’t have to be in here all morning.” A wave of relief washes over his features.
“Good, ’cause I was scared that you’d leave me here all day” he murmurs. “I get bored.”
“Of course I wouldn’t leave you in here all day” I stare at him point-blank. “You just need to sleep through the night, okay?” He nods.
“I’m hungry” he whines.
“For what?” I ask, wondering what we have in our ever-emptying cabinets.
“Um…” he rocks, hugging his knees as he looks to the ceiling in thought. “Pancakes.”
“Pancakes we can do” I smile, helping him from the bed.
“Yay” he grins. I stop in my tracks.
“Hey, you know what?” he shakes his head.
“I think we have some chocolate chips…” I tease. His eyes go wide.
“Really?” he asks, eyes dancing.
“Yep” I smile. He’s so… innocent. It’s like a little kid, and it’s adorable, but… I don’t want him to be little kid-adorable. I want him to be Joel… minus adorable. Just Joel. But for now… this is Joel. For now, this is my brother. This is him.