So Hangry!!!
It doesn't help that I'm trying a new diet.
This is my penance for eating way too much when we travel. I binge and splurge on every culinary experience until I am so full I feel like crying. When we get home, I make all the usual promises to myself. I'll run a mile or two a couple times a week. I'll go back to the studio and detox with yoga and ohms. I always start out so ambitious. Then the work week crashes into me and I can barely stay awake to as I drive myself home. I tell myself, oh, next week. Next week I'll exercise more. Next week I won't be as tired. But the new week rolls in and buries me in work and sleep deprivation, and I find myself, once again, too tired to drag myself into any kind of exercise activity. The only thing I can do as soon as I get home is put my feet up and either go straight to sleep or write something down.
Auds, ever the innocent, was the one who made it clear that my lifestyle choices were making me self-destruct. As I sat down beside her one morning a few weeks ago, she asked, "Mommy, why are you breathing so hard?"
I thought about what might have caused my shortness of breath and was shocked to realize the only slightly strenous thing I had accomplished in the last few minutes was climbing the 13 steps to our second floor living room. That was it. I needed to make a change. I was steadily growing more rotund without the benefit of pregnancy. Since exhaustion made it difficult to commit to any kind of regular exercise routine, I knew I had to do something about what I was stuffing my face with.
My usual dinner during my work break is Dinty Moore beef stew and a Starbucks drink. Not the healthiest of options, but a quick, comfortingly familiar, relatively delicious repast. I've made a habit of going down the grocery aisle, grabbing a can of Dinty Moore stew, making a left turn and grabbing the Starbucks drink from the fridge, chatting with the clerk as they ring me up, then heading into the break room for my half hour of mindless refueling. Although, I always wonder what exactly the "beef" is comprised of - because it doesn't look anything like the beef we eat at home. It's got a weird, kind of overly soft texture. The chunks look like stuff that had been taken apart, pulverized, then squooshed back into approximately square shapes, then soaked in beef-flavored sauce. I'm afraid the chunks are made up of the same material as hotdogs - asses, snouts, ears, & other rejected body parts from [hopefully] bovine sources. I mean, who the hell knows what's being processed into canned goods anyway?
So I recently DC'd the Dinty Moore beef stew and added more salads and fish into my diet. Before I go to work, I eat a modest dinner of 1 part starch, 2 parts veggie, & 2 parts protein (salmon, most of the time), then a small salad during my break at work, and, lastly, two Hawaiian rolls or a piece of toast for breakfast after I get home from my night shift. I snack on trail mix, water, & mentos to keep my stomach from ingesting itself, but not much else. I tell myself I can do this. I can choose to eat healthier meals, exercise self-control, and utilize my knowledge of appropriate food portions so I do not over-eat.
A co-worker was shocked when I threw away a nearly-full bowl of rice after eating all the salmon & veggies in the bowl. "Don't waste food," he said.
"It's nothing but carbs," I shot back easily, as if throwing the food away didn't bother me when it truly did. I hate to think of all the starving children in the Philippines who would have been grateful to eat my leftovers when here I was, acting like tossing perfectly good food into the trash was no big deal at all.
But I have to admit. Salad has less staying power than Dinty Moore. I'm pissed and hangry a mere couple of hours after eating that salad and I'm thinking - I don't know, maybe I should bring two salad portions next time instead of just one. But no, that wouldn't be right either. Whenever we go to Souplantation, I see overweight people eating giant plates of salad and I am reminded that ANY food - even salad - is not healthy at all if eaten in excess. Eating beyond what my body needs for fuel is completely self-indulgent. The body converts what it doesn't need into fat. Fat, fat, and more fat doesn't equal healthy. It only equals diabetes, high cholesterol, heart disease, depression, and stroke.
Lately, I've begun to feel and look more and more like Eeyore - who is absolutely adorable - but in no way resembles my desired body shape. The restaurants I frequent have begun cooking my usual order as soon as I walk through their doors and the restaurant owners cackle as I hand over my hard-earned money. If I continue down this path, my husband will one day look at me and find nothing at all attractive about the way my body has become paunchy and bulky, when I could have remained a sexy little thang in his eyes - if only I had managed to hold on to my self-control and stuck to one salad for lunch.
Besides, summer is coming. If last year's swim suit doesn't fit anymore, I am going to throw an absolute bitch fit.
P.S. I know, I know. I just had ice cream for breakfast the other day. But I was celebrating! So those calories didn't count. Obviously.