(no subject)

[xikry4youx]

I havent been this wrestless in a long time. I used to not be able to sleep good at all. But then it turned out that the habit was being reinforced by my own will power. (I was making myself stay awake). so i was giving myself insamnia. But all the sudden for the last few weeks... I was sleeping every chance that I got. I had a busy sceduel but sleep was easy to find room for even though i was still getting up early and waking up a lot during the early morning. Anyway, last night I went to bed at 1:30. Pretty good time I would say. I had to get up at 7(for church)... so 5 and a half hours was good enough for me. So off to dream land I went. but guess what... I woke up at 3. And i didnt just wake up. I didnt have to go to the bathroom or get some water or anything.. I was just AWAKE. And i knew before I had ever fallen asleep, that i was going to have this certain pain in my legs that night becuz I felt the strain. And I did have the pain... but it was not just the regular pains that i would get. It was like I couldnt walk. And whether I bent them or straightened them... rubbed them, put pressure on them... nothing was making the pain go away or even lessen. And so I got on the computer. I was reading some of my friends entries that he had sent me, then I heard a voice. And it was my moms. Go figure. She was talking to her ex husband. My first step dad. And it was shockingly loud. I would have thought she would have at least had a soft voice while walking through out the house with at least 10 other people sleeping. But she didnt. I thought about quietly walking back to the couch and acting like i was still asleep but figured.. whats it really matter. So I sat there reading. And she walked down stairs and didnt even realize i was there. So I stayed on. At about 5, she told me to go to bed. So i layed down again... this time, my eyes were burning from staring and barly blinking... and I layed there in the dark as blank minded and blank feeling as ever. My friend Josh was sleeping on another one of the couches and his phone alarm randomly goes off at 5... he turns it off at about the 4th beep. he looks around... stares at me, and then asks me why im up? and i tell him why. then the little kitties that we have, AND ARE FINALLY GETTING RID OF, runs across the kitchen floor and Josh asks me why they were up at 5 in the morning... now... tell me this... how is Joy supposed to know that? It was quite funny at that point in time. but now it makes me mad for some stupid reason. Anyway... me and him end up talking and what not until about 6 something, then he layed down in my lap and slowly fell alseep while i was stroking his hair. SO I was alone. AGAIN. With my mind haunting me and my leg pains basically killing me. ::thud!:: I heard it up stairs and realized it was my dad. it was 7:30... man, Joy you spaced out for an hour and a half. What a waste. I saw josh's eyes open, and I realized I wasnt even supposed to be in the same room with the guys, while sleeping was going on, let alone on the same couch with a dude laying in my lap. So I got up and sat back in my chair/couch thing. ::someone walking around and making "enough" noise:: I layed down and blocked out my thoughts and the pains... and for 30 more minutes, i slept. 2 hours of sleep... I didnt make myself stay up, there was no forcing of any kind... I was just there and AWAKE. "WAKE UP, WAKE UP." I get up and I am the only one, doing so. I go upstairs to my bathroom where I have all of my "stuff" and my junk that I use to get ready for every day. mmmm, it smells so good in there. No animals, no food, no guys... (loljk) and so I get ready. Its 8 something and my dad tells me he is going to lead worship at a different church. My mom, josh, dorian, and peyton are all still asleep. Micah is wearing a big blue shirt with kaki shorts on and he says daddy said he could wear that. I tried waking up my mom... i imagined me cutting myself becuz of the let down I got when I realized she wasnt getting up. neither was the guys... and Micah wasnt changing. I WAS READY TO GO! AS ALWAYS! I just wanted to be on time... just wanted to go to church... I guess there were other plans. As I sit here writing one thought after another, not caring if it makes sense or how stupid it sounds... I contemplate cutting myself for the first time in 3 and a half.. 4 months. Its looking pretty good right now...
Ill be back.

such are the dreams that haunt my sleep
when i fell for this i never knew i fell so deep
I'm not good enough for Him, this i know
but even with the truth it's hard to let go

(eric I took this thing from one of ur poems and re-wrote it kind of into my own words. Its no longer about your girl... its about me and whats going through my head. thnx.)