the hopeless walk
well... i feel pretty good right now. physically at least. I mowed for 2 and a half hours... sweated off more fluid than i had in me to the point of almost passing out... became energyless... took an awesome, cool, CLEAN, pretty smelling shower... and now i am back to absolutly nothing to do. which is the times in life when I am most depressed or lonely... hopeless and useless. but I am pumped about going to church tonight.. even though its only for fire works. I know i know... lame right? well leave me the heck alone cuz I feel alot better there doing nothing than being here doing nothing. plus both of our computers are getting worser by the day.. and I am going to have to find another alternative for my time. (thats probably not bad) but it leaves me wandering around for a bit and could leave me standing in front of dorrs that arent meant to be opened. anyways... i just need some prayers. i know people pray for me... but i have a hard time believing it. when someone says something... I cant get myself to trust them, no matter how long ive known them, love them, or rely on them... I guess Ive been slacking off on working on that issue... who are my friends? the ones i have arent doing me too great. and I will NOT go down becuz of them. Jesus give me some new friends. one that are just as into you as I am. ones that love to do a lot of the same things i do, and ones that know exactly what to say at the right times, as well as not be afraid of silence at times. Help me find some girl friends that i can open up to and hang out with, that are strong in you and stand firm with their boundries. and a few new guy friends... I know almost all of my friends are guys. If thats a generational thing, by the blodd of Jesus, please break that. BUt help me find some healthy walking guys who i can just be me around. and... if at all possible (i know it is) but I also know u have everthing worked out for your plan... please fix my computer, or make a new one available. or at least show me what I can do as an alternative... I dont want to be depressed. and I really dont want to start thinking about cutting again. i know the things i think about eventually turn into actions. gaurd my ears from the cussing that is all around me. Gaurd my thoughts from thinking about negative things. help my hands to heal from all the work ive done... and really over all else that ive prayed on here... if not new friends any time soon... please touch the friends I have now. I love them with my everything. and I dont want to quit hangin out with them. but let your will be done father. bless them and keep them. hold them and love them. let them know you are there for them. let them know they can turn to you and that youll always be there. forgive them, and forgive me for anything ive done towards them that might have been evil or sinful. thank you jesus for blessing me. thank you for everything. I love you. Help me grow in you. In jesus name, amen. <3