(no subject)
im not ready to "talk" to anyone about how i feel, so im writing some thoughts down in here. death is something ive been lucky enough to never experience. the last time i spoke to brian, he was worried about his blood test results, cancer they said it could be, among many other things. i hate doctors. that was last tuesday afternoon, we made plans to hang out on the weekend. i kept offering a weekday night but he said he was too busy. that night, he typed out his last words, wrapped himself in a blanket and curled up in the corner, and killed himself. i knew by the weekend that something was terribly wrong. his phone had been off for days, he stood me up, etc. finally tuesday morning i climbed through an open window into his apartment and found him lying there. i thought he had taken pills, i kept shaking him to wake up, to go to the hospital. but once i tried to pull him up, i saw the gun, i saw his face, and the blood...
brian was one of the most compassionate and caring people i knew. and that was part of the problem, he never wanted to bother anybody, he never wanted to put anyone out of their way. well he should have. god should he have. he never talked about wanting to kill himself, not to me. ive known him for 5 years, but over the last several months we became much closer. he was always stressed out, compulsive, totally neurotic, .. we both were/we agreed jokingly one night. it's been 3 days, i keep trying to think of what brian would want me to do. what his ultimate dream was, what to tell the world about him. but there isnt much to go on. brian suffered greatly from health issues, stress, and with those things come depression and anxiety. you cant force someone to forget about physical pain, you cant force them to ignore the fact that they might have cancer. and thats where brians mind laid, on his health, worrying all day and night, on being depressed and not knowing what to do. he said he was lonely, that i was like his only friend last sunday, and now hes dead. he wouldn't let me get close, he wouldnt let anyone. always to busy, he was about to graduate next fall. and when a friend says they're too busy with school and work to hang out, you dont really want to push or hassle them, but i should have.
i think to myself lately, about how i dont want to live in a world where people like brian dont exist. people who actually do give a damn, people who invite you to hang out with them when they know your going through a rough time. hi & bye's are what me and brian know all to well. you see someone you know at school or at the bar, hi and bye's. they've gotta go, even though your all alone, they dont invite you to join them, no theyre too busy. but are they really, dont want to be bothered. if just a handful of those people would have actually talked to him, hed still be here, if id have made him hangout last wednesday, hed still be here. he wouldnt have died all alone, in a corner, facing a wall. a lonely friend dieing alone. laying dead for a week.
i dont even know what to do now. finals are next week. i cant eat. i can't get the picture of his face out of my mind. i dont want to talk to my friends or family but at the same time dont want to be left alone. its awkward. maybe a counselor next week. i cared about him greatly, more than he knew, i treasure the time we spent together, and i miss him soo much, he effects every aspect of my life. i had bought funny movies for us to watch that i was going to surprise him with, he consumed my dreams, his laugh was what i was after, and he knew that. but it just wasnt enough. maybe not from me, maybe not from anyone, fucking fate and destiny.
brian was one of the most compassionate and caring people i knew. and that was part of the problem, he never wanted to bother anybody, he never wanted to put anyone out of their way. well he should have. god should he have. he never talked about wanting to kill himself, not to me. ive known him for 5 years, but over the last several months we became much closer. he was always stressed out, compulsive, totally neurotic, .. we both were/we agreed jokingly one night. it's been 3 days, i keep trying to think of what brian would want me to do. what his ultimate dream was, what to tell the world about him. but there isnt much to go on. brian suffered greatly from health issues, stress, and with those things come depression and anxiety. you cant force someone to forget about physical pain, you cant force them to ignore the fact that they might have cancer. and thats where brians mind laid, on his health, worrying all day and night, on being depressed and not knowing what to do. he said he was lonely, that i was like his only friend last sunday, and now hes dead. he wouldn't let me get close, he wouldnt let anyone. always to busy, he was about to graduate next fall. and when a friend says they're too busy with school and work to hang out, you dont really want to push or hassle them, but i should have.
i think to myself lately, about how i dont want to live in a world where people like brian dont exist. people who actually do give a damn, people who invite you to hang out with them when they know your going through a rough time. hi & bye's are what me and brian know all to well. you see someone you know at school or at the bar, hi and bye's. they've gotta go, even though your all alone, they dont invite you to join them, no theyre too busy. but are they really, dont want to be bothered. if just a handful of those people would have actually talked to him, hed still be here, if id have made him hangout last wednesday, hed still be here. he wouldnt have died all alone, in a corner, facing a wall. a lonely friend dieing alone. laying dead for a week.
i dont even know what to do now. finals are next week. i cant eat. i can't get the picture of his face out of my mind. i dont want to talk to my friends or family but at the same time dont want to be left alone. its awkward. maybe a counselor next week. i cared about him greatly, more than he knew, i treasure the time we spent together, and i miss him soo much, he effects every aspect of my life. i had bought funny movies for us to watch that i was going to surprise him with, he consumed my dreams, his laugh was what i was after, and he knew that. but it just wasnt enough. maybe not from me, maybe not from anyone, fucking fate and destiny.