Damage Control--Help!
I'm starting to think that I'm not as "expert" on relationships as I think I was.
I am trying, very hard, not to hate myself.
So this is the burning question, and I'd really like to know. I'm at a loss right now.
Say, someone said something about him that you didn't like--this was involving another girl. You know that this someone is full of bullshit but your aunt knows and trusts this person either way. What would you have done?
I chose to believe that someone.
Which is stupid, I know. I called him up, confronted him about it, and he got mad. Which should be reasonable. He says I don't trust him.
Maybe I really didn't. Maybe there was this part of me that was never sure about what he is to me. And maybe it's true. I say I love him, but do I really? Maybe I really didn't. Maybe I was just overjoyed over the fact that someone would choose to be with me. It doesn't help that I don't know what he feels about me, and now I'm beginning to understand where he's coming from. Maybe love is too big a word to describe how I feel. They say loving is about accepting and trusting. And maybe that's my problem--that I can't really trust anyone beyond my family, that anyone who chooses to be friends with me has some personal agenda that I have to be wary of.
I need reassurance, and I guess, for this to work, I'm going to live with not needing them. It's the romantic in me that clamours for the need to be loved, that saying "I love you" would make everything okay. But it's so much more than that, you see. He probably has a better idea of what it is than I do--that actions speak louder than words. The writer in me refuses to believe it, because words give name to actions, makes it real and acknowledged.
I should really learn from my mistakes. And I'm writing this down to remind myself that I've hurt one of the most important people in my life--a thing I promised I would never do--and that I should just throw all caution to the wind and trust him, and that a lot of people are going to destroy you, but if our "love" (if there ever was) is strong enough to hold us together, then things are going to be okay.
I am trying, very hard, not to hate myself.
So this is the burning question, and I'd really like to know. I'm at a loss right now.
Say, someone said something about him that you didn't like--this was involving another girl. You know that this someone is full of bullshit but your aunt knows and trusts this person either way. What would you have done?
I chose to believe that someone.
Which is stupid, I know. I called him up, confronted him about it, and he got mad. Which should be reasonable. He says I don't trust him.
Maybe I really didn't. Maybe there was this part of me that was never sure about what he is to me. And maybe it's true. I say I love him, but do I really? Maybe I really didn't. Maybe I was just overjoyed over the fact that someone would choose to be with me. It doesn't help that I don't know what he feels about me, and now I'm beginning to understand where he's coming from. Maybe love is too big a word to describe how I feel. They say loving is about accepting and trusting. And maybe that's my problem--that I can't really trust anyone beyond my family, that anyone who chooses to be friends with me has some personal agenda that I have to be wary of.
I need reassurance, and I guess, for this to work, I'm going to live with not needing them. It's the romantic in me that clamours for the need to be loved, that saying "I love you" would make everything okay. But it's so much more than that, you see. He probably has a better idea of what it is than I do--that actions speak louder than words. The writer in me refuses to believe it, because words give name to actions, makes it real and acknowledged.
I should really learn from my mistakes. And I'm writing this down to remind myself that I've hurt one of the most important people in my life--a thing I promised I would never do--and that I should just throw all caution to the wind and trust him, and that a lot of people are going to destroy you, but if our "love" (if there ever was) is strong enough to hold us together, then things are going to be okay.