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Well today had to be like ONE of my very awful days…due to carly bader…WOW…I hate her even more then ever now. i was already having a rough morning with my dad and shit and so of course she has to make it worse. UH. Well…apparently this whole thing between me and Robbie has been going around which makes no sense because I only told my closest friends…which I now sort of regret…but whatever…yeah well Carly found out and is telling all these people…some I hardly know or don’t at all and well for one thing her “information” is wrong and so everything she’s telling her “friends”…or random people…its wrong and basically she considers this no big deal and she has NO idea what the fuck I’m going through or how I feel and she’s making this SO much worse…I was actually starting to slowly get over it…kind of…but today just pissed me off SO bad and I was so upset that basically all through 3rd and 5th hour I was crying. Everything came back again….all the thoughts and flashbacks and emotions and more crying for hours and everyone was like “o its ok - the school year is almost over and everyone will forget” blah blah blah but the thing is I WONT!! It’s not like I can just forget everything. Sorry - I can’t - I wish I could but no. I don’t even know how she found out…but Amelia asked her this morning and all she had to say was that “everyone knows” wtf? I almost lost it right there. So I went up to her and was like “define ‘everyone’” and she just acted like she had no idea what I was talking about….EVEN THOUGH all the people that I DIDN’T KNOW knew and Gary made this really immature gesture and UH I really feel like shooting her right now. Or maybe I should just die. She really has NO idea what its like to go through all this shit…no one does…at least no one I know…I mean maybe everything would be different if it was “intentional” but no. I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to get through this last week of school with all these exams and crap…its just more pressure…hah - just because she was pissed off that I have enough balls to say something to her doesn’t give her the right to say anything to anyone. I shouldn’t have told anyone…just kept everything bottled inside EVEN if it killed me. I just don’t understand anymore…how can you get the pleasure of telling someone’s secrets?? WHY did it happen to me in the first place….and now all these rumors….i hate my life…I hate myself…I feel like this is all my fault…I know there was some way to stop everything from happening…but I can’t figure out what…maybe if I didn’t go to the concert or the party or even woke up that morning…but no…I wanted to have fun…GAH…I don’t NEED to always do something. I’m so selfish. UH. And no matter what I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about it…even after so much time and so many other things….its never gonna go away…always stuck in my head…I wish I could forget I REALLY do…but there’s nothing I can do….and I hate it…I’m kind of sick of hiding it though…like today I didn’t care if I was crying in front of all these people…WHY did this have to happen…?!...WHAT did I do wrong…WHERE did I go wrong…this hurts me so much…I wish I could disappear…