(no subject)
wow.
wow.
i think tonight was one of the worst things i've ever had to do.
my mom found a note i had written to Amelia (that i actually never even gave to her) but the note was sort of related to robbie and its situation and how much i hated carly and how rumors were around the school.yeah.
it was so weird.im just sitting there typing on my computer and all of a sudden my mom walks in saying she has something to discuss with me...as soon as she mentioned the note my head started just spinning and i got really dizzy and started to tear.
and so..yeah..
i didnt fully explain everything to her but woah...all i wanted her to do is leave me alone.i was crying/sobbing and then my mom started crying...it was really emotional and i hated it.i wanted to die.i still want to die.i wish i was dead.no onw understands what i'm going through.seriously.and i swear if anyone says im fucking trying to get attention.fuckin fuck off you.i have a journal so i can express my feelings so i dont express them somewhere else that would just get me into a lame fight or into trouble.yea.....so i just wanted to clear that up.
my mom promised me she wouldnt tell my dad...and all she said was that she'll "try"
omg.if my dad finds out.wow.it was so awful just talking to my mom.she was asking me all these questions...making me talk about it.UH.and she kept saying she knew how to deal with these kinds of things - from all her "massage knoweledge".she said she knows how to "drive the memories out".i dont care what she does to me really - just as long as i my dad doesnt find out and i dont have to talk about it.thats what i told her.its gonna be so weird from now on.SO weird.i'm not gonna tell her any details.i'll just keep telling her i dont want to talk about it and in probably another 10 years she'll bring it up or something cuz she's like that.
i cant believe things went this far.i mean...alot of people knowing about it but not really knowing the truth was one thing plus carlys deal but now my parents...this is awful.my mom will probably take me to a shrink...whih might be good...i kind of want to push all my problems onto someone else and make them deal with it.but in 11 days i'll be away from EVERYONE in another counrty.5 whole days.i cant wait.but until then im stuck here...and probably now with more protection then ever.i'm probably not going to be able to do alot of stuff anymore...or atleast without my parents knowing every phone number and parent of every friend i hang out with.therefore my summer is going to sux and i will hardly see anyone.
and all this comes from one stupid mis-judgement of a stupid dick head.if i wasnt so thick headed and believed every deceiving word that robbie said - i dont think i would be in this situation.i mean yes - sometimes i consider myself smart but this seriously has to be the dumbest thing ever.im so gulliable...and always at the wrong place at very wrong times.i shouldnt have even gone to that lame concert.it wasnt even all that good.i shouldnt have listened to that guy who invited us to the party.i shouldnt have gone to that fucking party.in fact i shoudlnt have even gone on robbies boat awhile back.that was a big mistake.UH.im such a stupid girl.yes thats right..im dising myself..leave me alone.
wow.i really dont think you people understand how much i hate feeling this way all the time.yes there are times when i'm very happy with my friends.but when i come home and have all this alone time to myself all i do is think..and all my thinking leads to crying..so much stress and depression is built up inside of me that i seriously think if i broke a nail or i bumbed my elbow on the wall i would start crying...or say evan right now.i'd be so happy i'd cry.huh.i dont understand anything anymore....like the other day i found out something that shoudl have bothered me...but it didnt...but then again megan said something that i hated her for that i should have been more mad about but instead i cried like a friggin baby. and sometimes i dont even have any feelings.like completely apathetic over everything.like all i want to do is just lay in my bed and never wake up...for no apparent reason.
and once again.all this nonesese from..my one lilttle stupid mistake that tunred into 56 million other mistakes that everntually turned into the one thing that changed my life.all because of one minor mis-judjgment.
wow.
i think tonight was one of the worst things i've ever had to do.
my mom found a note i had written to Amelia (that i actually never even gave to her) but the note was sort of related to robbie and its situation and how much i hated carly and how rumors were around the school.yeah.
it was so weird.im just sitting there typing on my computer and all of a sudden my mom walks in saying she has something to discuss with me...as soon as she mentioned the note my head started just spinning and i got really dizzy and started to tear.
and so..yeah..
i didnt fully explain everything to her but woah...all i wanted her to do is leave me alone.i was crying/sobbing and then my mom started crying...it was really emotional and i hated it.i wanted to die.i still want to die.i wish i was dead.no onw understands what i'm going through.seriously.and i swear if anyone says im fucking trying to get attention.fuckin fuck off you.i have a journal so i can express my feelings so i dont express them somewhere else that would just get me into a lame fight or into trouble.yea.....so i just wanted to clear that up.
my mom promised me she wouldnt tell my dad...and all she said was that she'll "try"
omg.if my dad finds out.wow.it was so awful just talking to my mom.she was asking me all these questions...making me talk about it.UH.and she kept saying she knew how to deal with these kinds of things - from all her "massage knoweledge".she said she knows how to "drive the memories out".i dont care what she does to me really - just as long as i my dad doesnt find out and i dont have to talk about it.thats what i told her.its gonna be so weird from now on.SO weird.i'm not gonna tell her any details.i'll just keep telling her i dont want to talk about it and in probably another 10 years she'll bring it up or something cuz she's like that.
i cant believe things went this far.i mean...alot of people knowing about it but not really knowing the truth was one thing plus carlys deal but now my parents...this is awful.my mom will probably take me to a shrink...whih might be good...i kind of want to push all my problems onto someone else and make them deal with it.but in 11 days i'll be away from EVERYONE in another counrty.5 whole days.i cant wait.but until then im stuck here...and probably now with more protection then ever.i'm probably not going to be able to do alot of stuff anymore...or atleast without my parents knowing every phone number and parent of every friend i hang out with.therefore my summer is going to sux and i will hardly see anyone.
and all this comes from one stupid mis-judgement of a stupid dick head.if i wasnt so thick headed and believed every deceiving word that robbie said - i dont think i would be in this situation.i mean yes - sometimes i consider myself smart but this seriously has to be the dumbest thing ever.im so gulliable...and always at the wrong place at very wrong times.i shouldnt have even gone to that lame concert.it wasnt even all that good.i shouldnt have listened to that guy who invited us to the party.i shouldnt have gone to that fucking party.in fact i shoudlnt have even gone on robbies boat awhile back.that was a big mistake.UH.im such a stupid girl.yes thats right..im dising myself..leave me alone.
wow.i really dont think you people understand how much i hate feeling this way all the time.yes there are times when i'm very happy with my friends.but when i come home and have all this alone time to myself all i do is think..and all my thinking leads to crying..so much stress and depression is built up inside of me that i seriously think if i broke a nail or i bumbed my elbow on the wall i would start crying...or say evan right now.i'd be so happy i'd cry.huh.i dont understand anything anymore....like the other day i found out something that shoudl have bothered me...but it didnt...but then again megan said something that i hated her for that i should have been more mad about but instead i cried like a friggin baby. and sometimes i dont even have any feelings.like completely apathetic over everything.like all i want to do is just lay in my bed and never wake up...for no apparent reason.
and once again.all this nonesese from..my one lilttle stupid mistake that tunred into 56 million other mistakes that everntually turned into the one thing that changed my life.all because of one minor mis-judjgment.