something i wrote at school. while thinking.
Random Thoughts.
so basically. I like writing my random thoughts. I need a new folder. Mine is all gross. I have had it since the beginning of the year. Or maybe i just need to clean it. Who knows.
So everything is going wrong these past 4 days. I cant afford to loose everything I have. gah. Its just so unfair. I should be used to all this, I mean it ALWAYS happens. When Im happy, and things are finally going good, something bad happens. The saying is true "When it rains it pours" and you know what? im tired of the rain. Am I not suppose to be happy?!?!? I mean the last 2 years, I havent been happy more than a month. All this, my happy smile, my cheerful laugh. Its all fake. Im fake. I guess through out the years, through out the tragedies, I just learned to be fake. Just to always look happy, "happy joy joy" . But theres more to me than my nice smile, bright colors, dorky laugh, and weird ways. Theres frustration and anger. sadness. hopelessness. emptiness. sorrow. grief. and pain. Im just so broken. Im just tired of feeling this way. im tired of not wanting to see what god has in store for me, cuz i know its just going to bring me heart break. Why is my life like this? Why is it so hard? I mean I have been through what someone goes through maybe not even there whole life. Is that fair? I mean gah. What did I do to deserve this?
The past weeks. I wanted to wake up everyday to see whats in store for me and everything was going pretty good. Than BOOM! it started to rain. It wouldnt stop. Its still not stopping. Now. sleep is where I want to be. to escape everything I feel. I mean Id like to meet someone who knows how I feel. cuz rite now im alone in this feeling. I dont want pitty "im sorry" type of deal, cuz its not your fault. its no ones but my own. I dont need sympathy, what I need is love from friends and family. I need things to settle down. I need the sun to shine on me for ONCE. I have never been so unhappy about everything. Everything is extremely wrong, the only thing i have left thats perfect is JOHN and KAYSE. Then theres Andi. Nick. Jayde. Aspen. Tracie. Jacquie. Ben. Tommy. Clarita. But I mean there not always going to be there to make me smile. To cure my pain. If only they knew what Im going through. I wish I can share with them my pain, just for a second, just so they can understand.
Im just really missing my mom. Im letting her go slowly, but i still need her. Lover her. miss her. cry for her. It will never be the same. ill always have a whole in my heart.
Everything is going in my head. circling around. Why is my dad crazy? Why couldnt he be a dad? why did my mom die? why did she do what she did? Why did everyone have to die? I mean. yahhh. I learned so much from it, but i cant take it.
God. I pray every night. Praying for my life to shape up. Im not angry at you. Ill never be. Im just so confused. I need you to hera me out. Cure this pain. Please! I cant cure it on my own. I need your help. I need your helping hand. Cure me, like u did the blind. Lord. protect me. Mend me. guide me through these adversities you have handed me. Life is full of struggles. As I search for ansers, I need you to guide me to them. Lord. i NEED you. I need your love. I just ask, pray, cry out, for your help. In Jesus name. Amen.
! I know what scares you the most, being alone, just like them, being alive, feeling so DEAD !
so basically. I like writing my random thoughts. I need a new folder. Mine is all gross. I have had it since the beginning of the year. Or maybe i just need to clean it. Who knows.
So everything is going wrong these past 4 days. I cant afford to loose everything I have. gah. Its just so unfair. I should be used to all this, I mean it ALWAYS happens. When Im happy, and things are finally going good, something bad happens. The saying is true "When it rains it pours" and you know what? im tired of the rain. Am I not suppose to be happy?!?!? I mean the last 2 years, I havent been happy more than a month. All this, my happy smile, my cheerful laugh. Its all fake. Im fake. I guess through out the years, through out the tragedies, I just learned to be fake. Just to always look happy, "happy joy joy" . But theres more to me than my nice smile, bright colors, dorky laugh, and weird ways. Theres frustration and anger. sadness. hopelessness. emptiness. sorrow. grief. and pain. Im just so broken. Im just tired of feeling this way. im tired of not wanting to see what god has in store for me, cuz i know its just going to bring me heart break. Why is my life like this? Why is it so hard? I mean I have been through what someone goes through maybe not even there whole life. Is that fair? I mean gah. What did I do to deserve this?
The past weeks. I wanted to wake up everyday to see whats in store for me and everything was going pretty good. Than BOOM! it started to rain. It wouldnt stop. Its still not stopping. Now. sleep is where I want to be. to escape everything I feel. I mean Id like to meet someone who knows how I feel. cuz rite now im alone in this feeling. I dont want pitty "im sorry" type of deal, cuz its not your fault. its no ones but my own. I dont need sympathy, what I need is love from friends and family. I need things to settle down. I need the sun to shine on me for ONCE. I have never been so unhappy about everything. Everything is extremely wrong, the only thing i have left thats perfect is JOHN and KAYSE. Then theres Andi. Nick. Jayde. Aspen. Tracie. Jacquie. Ben. Tommy. Clarita. But I mean there not always going to be there to make me smile. To cure my pain. If only they knew what Im going through. I wish I can share with them my pain, just for a second, just so they can understand.
Im just really missing my mom. Im letting her go slowly, but i still need her. Lover her. miss her. cry for her. It will never be the same. ill always have a whole in my heart.
Everything is going in my head. circling around. Why is my dad crazy? Why couldnt he be a dad? why did my mom die? why did she do what she did? Why did everyone have to die? I mean. yahhh. I learned so much from it, but i cant take it.
God. I pray every night. Praying for my life to shape up. Im not angry at you. Ill never be. Im just so confused. I need you to hera me out. Cure this pain. Please! I cant cure it on my own. I need your help. I need your helping hand. Cure me, like u did the blind. Lord. protect me. Mend me. guide me through these adversities you have handed me. Life is full of struggles. As I search for ansers, I need you to guide me to them. Lord. i NEED you. I need your love. I just ask, pray, cry out, for your help. In Jesus name. Amen.
! I know what scares you the most, being alone, just like them, being alive, feeling so DEAD !