[FIC] In Silence
Title: In Silence
Summary: Years after DBSK becomes nothing but a legend, Kim Junsu disappears off the face of the earth and leaves a simple letter behind.
Pairing: broken!Yoosu
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst/Romance
Warning: none
Disclaimer: me no own yoosu desu.
As the last piano chords of Fox Rain melted away into a tide of fans’ cheers, Junsu’s pen gradually stilled on the much-abused paper he had been writing on and was set down. A single click and he closed the tab, shutting out the last screams emitting from his computer and the image of a familiar young man, no trace of time leaving its marks on his face like the wrinkles around his eyes and mouth nowadays. Out of the corner of his eye, the digital clock’s numbers flipped into the digits 3:00. He was late.
Within just a few seconds, though, his cellphone began to buzz irritatingly on the table, and without even looking he picked it up and said, “What is it?” His hands did not stay idle as he cupped the phone between the side of his head and shoulder, deftly folding the letter into tiny squares and stuck it into a tiny drawer by the trashcan.
The man calling was Jaejoong, of course. He guessed as much. “You’re late,” the older said, impatience and urgency clear in his voice. Junsu could already imagine the way the other man was tapping his feet, eyes filled with worry - the only sign that he was anxious at all - as he silently watched the managers and stylists scurried about, wringing their hands in panic at the fact that one of the members of JYJ was vacant from the usual spot he occupied in the dressing room.
“Sorry, I’ll be there in ten.” He was already out of his room, halfway across the mess he called his living room and only a few steps away from the door that led to his complex’s parking lot. Shoving a random pair of sunglasses onto his face, he slipped on his shoes and hung up the phone without saying goodbye.
The letter laid abandoned in the drawer and remained untouched for the next several years.
…
Yoochun-ah,
You’ll never see this, not if I can help it. Maybe one day you will, but it’ll be long after we part ways, long after JYJ disbands and we become nothing more than old acquaintances when you marry the housewife girl of your dreams and leave the entertainment industry for good. And I… I will likely still sing ballads, the heartbreaking ones people remember in dramas and as old classics of an idol long past his prime and popularity. And maybe you won’t really remember much of me, and we’ll only talk once every few months when Jaejoong wants to relieve old memories of being in a band together because you will have the life you always wanted, quiet, reserved, with a loving family by your side where no one will ever disturb you again.
I need to write all of this down in a confession; I held it all in for too long. The ten years had taken a toll on me.
You and I, we’re too different.
I don’t know why I fell for you. Maybe it was your looks, your personality, the melancholic aura you always exuded whenever I was around you when you first arrived in Korea. All I know is that when we first met, I didn’t like you. I was jealous that you, who did next to nothing, were able to debut within six months. You didn’t even work half as hard as I did, who have been in the company for twelve years and worked to the bone, nearly ruined my voice and my body for the sake of debuting and completing my dream. You were even going to take Eunhyuk’s place, my best friend who has been with me for all the long twelve years of being trainee and now he was going to be denied the opportunity to debut. All because of you.
I hated you, yet I didn’t at the same time.
You were an enigma to me. I didn’t understand you at all, but at the same time I might’ve known you better than anyone else.
Ever since you arrived at the company, you were always alone, not literally. People liked you immediately when they saw you, because you were so open, laid-back, and easy-going. And they admired and envied you because you were so good at singing, flawlessly expressing your emotions so easily and taking people’s breaths away by the low silky smoothness of your voice in a way that people like me worked till they were bloody and weary for. You even knew how to play the piano so well despite learning it yourself; the chords resonated and fitted beautifully in harmony with your voice. During those times you dazzled and glowed in an almost prince-like manner, as if you were royalty and we were all peasants at your feet, thirsty for even the smallest gift from the king.
I don’t think you ever noticed it.
Even with all the people that constantly surrounded you, you seemed sad. It wasn’t obvious, not really, but every now and then the smile slipped ever so slightly, and your eyes - they always told me how you truly felt - became blanker, sadder, emptier and more tired than you let on with your face and body language. Sometimes I feel like I was the only one to ever notice those changes. Back before we debuted, I knew you missed your family, though you never liked talking about it. Some nights I stayed up listening to you cry, even though you always hid in the blankets and muffled all sounds with a pillow. But somehow I could always pick out the small noises that escape and see the tear streaks that you didn’t completely wipe away the next morning, and it left a dull ache in my heart that I didn’t understand until much later.
There was always more to you that most people couldn’t see, that you didn’t let anyone see because you were scared of being hurt.
I could have talked to you though.
But I didn’t, because I still was unable to overcome the jealousy and anger I felt towards you until right before we debuted. I still regretted that decision till now.
Before I knew it you had Jaejoong to confide to, to talk everything with, to do everything with. You two instantly clicked so well that everyone could see; that’s why you’re called Soulmates, I guess. I don’t disagree with the term, but to me it sounded like you two were lovers of a sort, and maybe you were, not the passion and intimacy the usual kind shared but a more emotional and spiritual type that no one else was privy to. For awhile I envied Jaejoong for no reason because I was convinced - almost everyone was, really - that there was definitely something going on between you two except it turned out that it wasn’t the type we thought.
I was relieved.
At the same time though, it meant that you weren’t gay and I was still unable to come to terms with my own sexual orientation. I didn’t realize that I liked you all the way until when we were touring for Rising Sun. That was one of the most difficult times for me, to accept myself for who I was because I had no one to honestly talk with except you (but you were obviously not an option), and to accept that I fell in love with you since when I first met you. I spent many nights sleepless and kneeling on the floor to pray and ask for advice, to the point my knees were painful and swollen in the morning and I had to pretend that everything was alright and I wasn’t sleep-deprived or in pain; I was so shaken. It went against everything I believed in.
You noticed. I know you did.
We had an awkward rift during that time, though, I don’t remember why. Some stupid argument over something insignificant, maybe. I don’t want to think about it. It felt like everyone ignored me, including you, whether everyone meant it or not but even now when I think about it, it hurts me. It’s just another thing that I never talk about, another secret I intend to keep between just me and this letter.
I still feel alone sometimes
I can’t explain
I wish I
I wonder if we ever
I feel like there were many chances for me to say something, to confess that I liked you, maybe get even closer to you but I lost it all. I let every single chance I ever had go, because I didn’t want to be selfish. I felt selfish for liking you and I was afraid that if I told you, you’d be guilty and try to pretend that you liked me back - I know you and that’s exactly what you would do, even now. I don’t want pity, definitely not from you, and I could see every single one of your lies. You’d pretend to love me and dote on me but not really mean anything and would always try to find an appropriate way to break it off without hurting me.
I don’t want that.
I know that you want a cute, well mannered girl with long black hair who was good with cooking and other house choirs, not a man who can’t cook or clean to save his life and was loud and obnoxious. I know you want children, especially a daughter that you can spoil rotten with and shower all the love you have. I know you just want to settle down with that nice girl of your dreams and start a family, and be able to care for your mother and younger brother all the time. Sometimes I wonder that maybe if I was born a girl, you might have liked me more, or even fallen in love with me.
We’re too different, in all too many ways, and we both changed far too much in ten years.
I’m glad that I at least had a chance to become close friends with you for several years, even if we don’t talk as much anymore. I know you spend a lot of time with Jaejoong, don’t you? Whenever you’re not busy, you’re either with your mother or with Jaejoong. He and Yoohwan sometimes talk to me and tell me things things. I feel like I’d be better off not knowing. It feels like I’ve been forgotten in a way, but I guess it’s better this way, isn’t it? Slowly we’ll ease out of each other’s lives, and eventually I can forget about you.
That’s what I hope for.
Ten years is too long to pine after a person. I’ve wasted too much time and energy and I’m sorry, Yoochun-ah. I can’t do it anymore. I need to move on and get along with my own life and maybe find someone else worthwhile of loving but I know that you’re always going to hold an irreplaceable spot in my heart
Good-bye, Yoochun-ah. Let’s break up, okay?
(Even though we were never together in the first place.)
…
With trembling fingers he smoothed and re-smoothed the old and yellowed paper over again, brushing away the dust that collected from long years of abandonment. He could still see every drop of salty tears on the paper and every line crossed furiously out, ink bleeding out on places where the pen lingered too long, perhaps to recollect his thoughts. A fresh tear drop fell on the last words written so brokenly, so forced, and a fresh wave of guilt washed over him, engulfing his senses.
Park Yoochun prided over being the one closest to Junsu, the one who knew every little habit and every little expression better than anyone else on the planet. Except, he could not have been more wrong. Waiting for ten long years, maybe even longer, with barely a hope of a return of affection… he could barely fathom how it must’ve felt. Just like his character Han Jungwoo, Junsu waited for him and kept waiting. And waiting.
This was all his fault. If he paid a little more attention, if he also fell deeply in love with the tenor, if time could turn back twenty years to when they first met, when they were still freshly in their youth and nothing seemed impossible and unattainable…
It was too eerie how Junsu predicted the future so well. Then again, he was always the clear headed and most realistic one out of them all. Indeed, JYJ fell apart a couple of years back and he married the love of his life, had a beautiful and adorable daughter, and altogether quitted the entertainment industry in favor of a quiet and steady life. It was even sadder that he didn’t even contact the two people he considered far closer than brothers save for reunions every once in awhile. Somehow it never occurred to him, who valued relationships so strongly, to maintain contact, not when the marriage and having a child quickly after consumed his mind.
Bitterly, he caressed his own name written with so much love. Junsu never moved on, did he? Aside from a few flings, he never had a serious relationship since… even back during their days as DBSK.
And now Junsu was gone, not in the sense of leaving the realm of leaving but he wasn’t coming back again, not if he could help it. Kim Junsu disappeared completely off the face of the earth several months ago to somewhere no one knew of, a place where no one would recognize him, only a stranger, another face of a passerby. A normal human where he was only Kim Junsu and not Xiah Junsu the ballad singer, or Xiah Junsu of JYJ, or even Xiah Junsu of the long forgotten legends Dong Bang Shin Ki.
Yoochun never imagined that Junsu would make such a decision, not when he was so extraordinary and positively glowed from the inside out; it always felt like he was born for the stage, born to shine where millions could watch and admire. Someone ethereal and untouchable, someone too perfect and deep for words and expressed his heart and soul through the music he wove with his voice.
But sitting in an empty, dusty apartment was living proof that Junsu indeed pulled a disappearing act, with only a single letter yellowed with age lying inconspicuously in what used to be a small but cozy master bedroom. And if Junsu didn’t want to be found, then he had his reason and would make sure he was never found.
All of this Park Yoochun understood.
It hurt.
In the cold apartment he sat on the dusty wooden floors, facing the open window as a breeze blew past.
“Junsu-yah, is this your way of saying goodbye to me? To everyone? I wish you could have given us all a warning, given me a warning. But I guess you thought I didn’t care, huh? And you’re right. I didn’t even notice how long I haven’t heard from you until a week ago.
I’m sorry. I wish I could have said this face to face.
I don’t know what else I can say, though, now that you’re gone and I-” he choked. “I can’t believe I’m talking to a window and pretending that you’re standing right there and maybe you’re crying or smiling somewhere out there in the world and there’s nothing I can do anymore.
I don’t love you. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry things never worked out.
I miss you, Junsu-yah.
Please come back.”
And he wished that maybe his words could be carried away by the wind and into the world, and maybe it would eventually reach Junsu’s ears somewhere out there wherever he was. And maybe, just maybe, Junsu would come back smiling like he never left, laugh away Yoochun’s worries and insecurities like nothing ever happened. Everything would be alright again.
He dreamed of Junsu’s smile that night, brighter than the sun itself and they were walking hand in hand together in the streets. He pressed a gentle, chaste kiss to Junsu’s forehead and smiled back. In that world, they were lovers.
Too Park Yoochun never truly loved Kim Junsu.
They wished.
(Author's Notes: Um. I actually wrote broken!Yoosu... oops. I think this came from some point where I was heartbroken by some things involving Yoochun and Junsu and my own personal mess and so ... it's unbetaed, too. I do have a happy one-shot that I will finish and post soon, hopefully on Yoosu's anniversary. Please leave a comment~?)
Summary: Years after DBSK becomes nothing but a legend, Kim Junsu disappears off the face of the earth and leaves a simple letter behind.
Pairing: broken!Yoosu
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst/Romance
Warning: none
Disclaimer: me no own yoosu desu.
As the last piano chords of Fox Rain melted away into a tide of fans’ cheers, Junsu’s pen gradually stilled on the much-abused paper he had been writing on and was set down. A single click and he closed the tab, shutting out the last screams emitting from his computer and the image of a familiar young man, no trace of time leaving its marks on his face like the wrinkles around his eyes and mouth nowadays. Out of the corner of his eye, the digital clock’s numbers flipped into the digits 3:00. He was late.
Within just a few seconds, though, his cellphone began to buzz irritatingly on the table, and without even looking he picked it up and said, “What is it?” His hands did not stay idle as he cupped the phone between the side of his head and shoulder, deftly folding the letter into tiny squares and stuck it into a tiny drawer by the trashcan.
The man calling was Jaejoong, of course. He guessed as much. “You’re late,” the older said, impatience and urgency clear in his voice. Junsu could already imagine the way the other man was tapping his feet, eyes filled with worry - the only sign that he was anxious at all - as he silently watched the managers and stylists scurried about, wringing their hands in panic at the fact that one of the members of JYJ was vacant from the usual spot he occupied in the dressing room.
“Sorry, I’ll be there in ten.” He was already out of his room, halfway across the mess he called his living room and only a few steps away from the door that led to his complex’s parking lot. Shoving a random pair of sunglasses onto his face, he slipped on his shoes and hung up the phone without saying goodbye.
The letter laid abandoned in the drawer and remained untouched for the next several years.
…
Yoochun-ah,
You’ll never see this, not if I can help it. Maybe one day you will, but it’ll be long after we part ways, long after JYJ disbands and we become nothing more than old acquaintances when you marry the housewife girl of your dreams and leave the entertainment industry for good. And I… I will likely still sing ballads, the heartbreaking ones people remember in dramas and as old classics of an idol long past his prime and popularity. And maybe you won’t really remember much of me, and we’ll only talk once every few months when Jaejoong wants to relieve old memories of being in a band together because you will have the life you always wanted, quiet, reserved, with a loving family by your side where no one will ever disturb you again.
I need to write all of this down in a confession; I held it all in for too long. The ten years had taken a toll on me.
You and I, we’re too different.
I don’t know why I fell for you. Maybe it was your looks, your personality, the melancholic aura you always exuded whenever I was around you when you first arrived in Korea. All I know is that when we first met, I didn’t like you. I was jealous that you, who did next to nothing, were able to debut within six months. You didn’t even work half as hard as I did, who have been in the company for twelve years and worked to the bone, nearly ruined my voice and my body for the sake of debuting and completing my dream. You were even going to take Eunhyuk’s place, my best friend who has been with me for all the long twelve years of being trainee and now he was going to be denied the opportunity to debut. All because of you.
I hated you, yet I didn’t at the same time.
You were an enigma to me. I didn’t understand you at all, but at the same time I might’ve known you better than anyone else.
Ever since you arrived at the company, you were always alone, not literally. People liked you immediately when they saw you, because you were so open, laid-back, and easy-going. And they admired and envied you because you were so good at singing, flawlessly expressing your emotions so easily and taking people’s breaths away by the low silky smoothness of your voice in a way that people like me worked till they were bloody and weary for. You even knew how to play the piano so well despite learning it yourself; the chords resonated and fitted beautifully in harmony with your voice. During those times you dazzled and glowed in an almost prince-like manner, as if you were royalty and we were all peasants at your feet, thirsty for even the smallest gift from the king.
I don’t think you ever noticed it.
Even with all the people that constantly surrounded you, you seemed sad. It wasn’t obvious, not really, but every now and then the smile slipped ever so slightly, and your eyes - they always told me how you truly felt - became blanker, sadder, emptier and more tired than you let on with your face and body language. Sometimes I feel like I was the only one to ever notice those changes. Back before we debuted, I knew you missed your family, though you never liked talking about it. Some nights I stayed up listening to you cry, even though you always hid in the blankets and muffled all sounds with a pillow. But somehow I could always pick out the small noises that escape and see the tear streaks that you didn’t completely wipe away the next morning, and it left a dull ache in my heart that I didn’t understand until much later.
There was always more to you that most people couldn’t see, that you didn’t let anyone see because you were scared of being hurt.
I could have talked to you though.
But I didn’t, because I still was unable to overcome the jealousy and anger I felt towards you until right before we debuted. I still regretted that decision till now.
Before I knew it you had Jaejoong to confide to, to talk everything with, to do everything with. You two instantly clicked so well that everyone could see; that’s why you’re called Soulmates, I guess. I don’t disagree with the term, but to me it sounded like you two were lovers of a sort, and maybe you were, not the passion and intimacy the usual kind shared but a more emotional and spiritual type that no one else was privy to. For awhile I envied Jaejoong for no reason because I was convinced - almost everyone was, really - that there was definitely something going on between you two except it turned out that it wasn’t the type we thought.
I was relieved.
At the same time though, it meant that you weren’t gay and I was still unable to come to terms with my own sexual orientation. I didn’t realize that I liked you all the way until when we were touring for Rising Sun. That was one of the most difficult times for me, to accept myself for who I was because I had no one to honestly talk with except you (but you were obviously not an option), and to accept that I fell in love with you since when I first met you. I spent many nights sleepless and kneeling on the floor to pray and ask for advice, to the point my knees were painful and swollen in the morning and I had to pretend that everything was alright and I wasn’t sleep-deprived or in pain; I was so shaken. It went against everything I believed in.
You noticed. I know you did.
We had an awkward rift during that time, though, I don’t remember why. Some stupid argument over something insignificant, maybe. I don’t want to think about it. It felt like everyone ignored me, including you, whether everyone meant it or not but even now when I think about it, it hurts me. It’s just another thing that I never talk about, another secret I intend to keep between just me and this letter.
I still feel alone sometimes
I can’t explain
I wish I
I wonder if we ever
I feel like there were many chances for me to say something, to confess that I liked you, maybe get even closer to you but I lost it all. I let every single chance I ever had go, because I didn’t want to be selfish. I felt selfish for liking you and I was afraid that if I told you, you’d be guilty and try to pretend that you liked me back - I know you and that’s exactly what you would do, even now. I don’t want pity, definitely not from you, and I could see every single one of your lies. You’d pretend to love me and dote on me but not really mean anything and would always try to find an appropriate way to break it off without hurting me.
I don’t want that.
I know that you want a cute, well mannered girl with long black hair who was good with cooking and other house choirs, not a man who can’t cook or clean to save his life and was loud and obnoxious. I know you want children, especially a daughter that you can spoil rotten with and shower all the love you have. I know you just want to settle down with that nice girl of your dreams and start a family, and be able to care for your mother and younger brother all the time. Sometimes I wonder that maybe if I was born a girl, you might have liked me more, or even fallen in love with me.
We’re too different, in all too many ways, and we both changed far too much in ten years.
I’m glad that I at least had a chance to become close friends with you for several years, even if we don’t talk as much anymore. I know you spend a lot of time with Jaejoong, don’t you? Whenever you’re not busy, you’re either with your mother or with Jaejoong. He and Yoohwan sometimes talk to me and tell me things things. I feel like I’d be better off not knowing. It feels like I’ve been forgotten in a way, but I guess it’s better this way, isn’t it? Slowly we’ll ease out of each other’s lives, and eventually I can forget about you.
That’s what I hope for.
Ten years is too long to pine after a person. I’ve wasted too much time and energy and I’m sorry, Yoochun-ah. I can’t do it anymore. I need to move on and get along with my own life and maybe find someone else worthwhile of loving but I know that you’re always going to hold an irreplaceable spot in my heart
Good-bye, Yoochun-ah. Let’s break up, okay?
(Even though we were never together in the first place.)
…
With trembling fingers he smoothed and re-smoothed the old and yellowed paper over again, brushing away the dust that collected from long years of abandonment. He could still see every drop of salty tears on the paper and every line crossed furiously out, ink bleeding out on places where the pen lingered too long, perhaps to recollect his thoughts. A fresh tear drop fell on the last words written so brokenly, so forced, and a fresh wave of guilt washed over him, engulfing his senses.
Park Yoochun prided over being the one closest to Junsu, the one who knew every little habit and every little expression better than anyone else on the planet. Except, he could not have been more wrong. Waiting for ten long years, maybe even longer, with barely a hope of a return of affection… he could barely fathom how it must’ve felt. Just like his character Han Jungwoo, Junsu waited for him and kept waiting. And waiting.
This was all his fault. If he paid a little more attention, if he also fell deeply in love with the tenor, if time could turn back twenty years to when they first met, when they were still freshly in their youth and nothing seemed impossible and unattainable…
It was too eerie how Junsu predicted the future so well. Then again, he was always the clear headed and most realistic one out of them all. Indeed, JYJ fell apart a couple of years back and he married the love of his life, had a beautiful and adorable daughter, and altogether quitted the entertainment industry in favor of a quiet and steady life. It was even sadder that he didn’t even contact the two people he considered far closer than brothers save for reunions every once in awhile. Somehow it never occurred to him, who valued relationships so strongly, to maintain contact, not when the marriage and having a child quickly after consumed his mind.
Bitterly, he caressed his own name written with so much love. Junsu never moved on, did he? Aside from a few flings, he never had a serious relationship since… even back during their days as DBSK.
And now Junsu was gone, not in the sense of leaving the realm of leaving but he wasn’t coming back again, not if he could help it. Kim Junsu disappeared completely off the face of the earth several months ago to somewhere no one knew of, a place where no one would recognize him, only a stranger, another face of a passerby. A normal human where he was only Kim Junsu and not Xiah Junsu the ballad singer, or Xiah Junsu of JYJ, or even Xiah Junsu of the long forgotten legends Dong Bang Shin Ki.
Yoochun never imagined that Junsu would make such a decision, not when he was so extraordinary and positively glowed from the inside out; it always felt like he was born for the stage, born to shine where millions could watch and admire. Someone ethereal and untouchable, someone too perfect and deep for words and expressed his heart and soul through the music he wove with his voice.
But sitting in an empty, dusty apartment was living proof that Junsu indeed pulled a disappearing act, with only a single letter yellowed with age lying inconspicuously in what used to be a small but cozy master bedroom. And if Junsu didn’t want to be found, then he had his reason and would make sure he was never found.
All of this Park Yoochun understood.
It hurt.
In the cold apartment he sat on the dusty wooden floors, facing the open window as a breeze blew past.
“Junsu-yah, is this your way of saying goodbye to me? To everyone? I wish you could have given us all a warning, given me a warning. But I guess you thought I didn’t care, huh? And you’re right. I didn’t even notice how long I haven’t heard from you until a week ago.
I’m sorry. I wish I could have said this face to face.
I don’t know what else I can say, though, now that you’re gone and I-” he choked. “I can’t believe I’m talking to a window and pretending that you’re standing right there and maybe you’re crying or smiling somewhere out there in the world and there’s nothing I can do anymore.
I don’t love you. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry things never worked out.
I miss you, Junsu-yah.
Please come back.”
And he wished that maybe his words could be carried away by the wind and into the world, and maybe it would eventually reach Junsu’s ears somewhere out there wherever he was. And maybe, just maybe, Junsu would come back smiling like he never left, laugh away Yoochun’s worries and insecurities like nothing ever happened. Everything would be alright again.
He dreamed of Junsu’s smile that night, brighter than the sun itself and they were walking hand in hand together in the streets. He pressed a gentle, chaste kiss to Junsu’s forehead and smiled back. In that world, they were lovers.
Too Park Yoochun never truly loved Kim Junsu.
They wished.
(Author's Notes: Um. I actually wrote broken!Yoosu... oops. I think this came from some point where I was heartbroken by some things involving Yoochun and Junsu and my own personal mess and so ... it's unbetaed, too. I do have a happy one-shot that I will finish and post soon, hopefully on Yoosu's anniversary. Please leave a comment~?)