Tiring for all the wrong reasons
College life has been going on for a solid two weeks now. And frankly, it's great. The scheduling is easy to abide by, the food is cornucopian, and transportation couldn't be more simplified. I am, with most honestly, enjoying the freshmen college life.
Ah, but there's always the catch. Of course, the balancing of homework is slightly mind-boggling, but keeping an organized planner with dates disregards the difficultly in that. But the one thing I was not expecting was the socializing and the pure effort it can take. Perhaps because it's only the second, going on third, week of school that the sheer number of people, class locations, time scheduling, and the not-so-occasional getting lost on campus is just too overwhelming. But who's able to deduce it to only that?
Regardless, the sheer amount of determination it takes to be social is truly wearing me for worse. Maybe it's because I've always viewed college as something along the lines of "a clean slate" so to speak. Where you undergo immense changes in who and what defines you. But that could have been just wishful thinking.
I think I can consider myself as the typical 'loser'. And not in the joking aspect - the serious one. I'm the type of person who has been, up until the recent 2 years, an absolute social shut in from what we would term 'popular' and 'outgoing' persons. Not only that, but I have interests that in high school were deemed 'childish'. And as the typical loser would have it, felt ashamed to have such a high interest in said things. Therefore, I would try my absolute hardest to hide it from society; even going as far as changing my online identity when dealing with them. Yes, laugh at my utter stupidity and lack of self-confidence. I have always been envious in those who were able to put themselves out there because they don't necessarily give a crap on how others will see them.
I begin to ponder as to why I can't be like those people? Why don't I have the damn courage to fully put myself out in the open? Possibly because of my fear of getting rejected or hurt. And I wish I could say, "hey, you don't like it? I don't give a shit.", but I feel as though I wouldn't. I would shamefully hang my head and walk away, having even less confidence in myself than before.
So what exactly "can" I do when I meet new people? I suppose I need to 'find' and accept myself before I can truly answer that question. Isn't sad that I can't accept myself? It's so pitiful almost to the point of self-disgust, but vain as it sounds, I could never fully hate myself. Though, I suppose that at least can give me a beacon of hope for the future. As long as I don't hate myself, I won't go commit suicide. Though maybe people like me could be better off dead.
It's like why live if you don't live like you should? I wouldn't know. But no worries, suicide is one of the farthest things from my mind. Believe it or not, I have close friends who I enjoy being with. I'm not a complete outcast, actually, I'd say I'm decently well off. Just minor pebbles in my life cause me to lose balance and control every once in a while.
Signing off!
Ah, but there's always the catch. Of course, the balancing of homework is slightly mind-boggling, but keeping an organized planner with dates disregards the difficultly in that. But the one thing I was not expecting was the socializing and the pure effort it can take. Perhaps because it's only the second, going on third, week of school that the sheer number of people, class locations, time scheduling, and the not-so-occasional getting lost on campus is just too overwhelming. But who's able to deduce it to only that?
Regardless, the sheer amount of determination it takes to be social is truly wearing me for worse. Maybe it's because I've always viewed college as something along the lines of "a clean slate" so to speak. Where you undergo immense changes in who and what defines you. But that could have been just wishful thinking.
I think I can consider myself as the typical 'loser'. And not in the joking aspect - the serious one. I'm the type of person who has been, up until the recent 2 years, an absolute social shut in from what we would term 'popular' and 'outgoing' persons. Not only that, but I have interests that in high school were deemed 'childish'. And as the typical loser would have it, felt ashamed to have such a high interest in said things. Therefore, I would try my absolute hardest to hide it from society; even going as far as changing my online identity when dealing with them. Yes, laugh at my utter stupidity and lack of self-confidence. I have always been envious in those who were able to put themselves out there because they don't necessarily give a crap on how others will see them.
I begin to ponder as to why I can't be like those people? Why don't I have the damn courage to fully put myself out in the open? Possibly because of my fear of getting rejected or hurt. And I wish I could say, "hey, you don't like it? I don't give a shit.", but I feel as though I wouldn't. I would shamefully hang my head and walk away, having even less confidence in myself than before.
So what exactly "can" I do when I meet new people? I suppose I need to 'find' and accept myself before I can truly answer that question. Isn't sad that I can't accept myself? It's so pitiful almost to the point of self-disgust, but vain as it sounds, I could never fully hate myself. Though, I suppose that at least can give me a beacon of hope for the future. As long as I don't hate myself, I won't go commit suicide. Though maybe people like me could be better off dead.
It's like why live if you don't live like you should? I wouldn't know. But no worries, suicide is one of the farthest things from my mind. Believe it or not, I have close friends who I enjoy being with. I'm not a complete outcast, actually, I'd say I'm decently well off. Just minor pebbles in my life cause me to lose balance and control every once in a while.
Signing off!