week... 10? goddamit, I'm terrible.
So, between last update and now, I have finished trenbolone and just today, I am now on Deca, an anti-inflammatory steroid. This should help reduce the stiffness and also give me a bit more strength to deal with the day. Considering that most people on this type of "stack" aren't on it legally, I figure I should take advantage and add weight-lifting to my exercise regimen. That's right, I'm aiming for "conventionally attractive".
The thing is, as I go further and further with this sort of hormone replacement therapy, I feel more and more cut off from my femininity. what that entails:
- less confidence
- feeling more vulnerable
- always feeling like I'll have to defend myself from violence of some sort (I have to really keep a grip on my wits for that one; Vulcan Powers activate!)
- the enlargement of my own genitals makes it harder to tuck for drag
- I may have to retire from drag, which makes me kinda of sad, but also relieved; I've turned 30 and for this queen, watching my drag persona age is depressing especially since she's... not quite mortal.
- my muscles have grown; I've experienced a 2" growth of each bicep, and my chest has flattened out (my titties aren't pointy anymore).
- my sex drive is... back. with a vengeance, but I figured that this might happen since my sex drive is located firmly into the masculine sectors of my personality.
- I feel less intimidating as a masculine-presenting guy. I don't know why.
- Now that rape culture has become a thing to be wary of (as it should always have been), I feel as though I now scare women, when before, I could talk casually and be a friend; now I'm a potential threat and though I can understand why they would feel this way, it still kind of depresses me. *hulk sad...*
-Throughout this, I still kind of like how I feel; I look in the mirror and find myself attractive. It also begins to make me feel guilty for being so cis-gendered male attracted.
Actually, I think the whole "feeling mortal" thing kind of covers it. I still feel like an alien, analyzing, empathizing and observing but not able to internalize the human condition, but with my fem side growing more and more distant, I feel as though I've lost a great super-power.
My boyfriend encouraged me to try Grindr/scruff/growlr. I found that I actually enjoy chatting with the gay/bi/pan guys around here. I found out that an old neighbor was also not-heterosexual. This made that street seem somehow, less lonely, which made me happy. We hung out, smoked a bit, but I felt like he was scrutinizing me under an electron microscope. Still, It was good to re-connect with an old friend of the family who was very clearly not homophobic.
The thing is, as I go further and further with this sort of hormone replacement therapy, I feel more and more cut off from my femininity. what that entails:
- less confidence
- feeling more vulnerable
- always feeling like I'll have to defend myself from violence of some sort (I have to really keep a grip on my wits for that one; Vulcan Powers activate!)
- the enlargement of my own genitals makes it harder to tuck for drag
- I may have to retire from drag, which makes me kinda of sad, but also relieved; I've turned 30 and for this queen, watching my drag persona age is depressing especially since she's... not quite mortal.
- my muscles have grown; I've experienced a 2" growth of each bicep, and my chest has flattened out (my titties aren't pointy anymore).
- my sex drive is... back. with a vengeance, but I figured that this might happen since my sex drive is located firmly into the masculine sectors of my personality.
- I feel less intimidating as a masculine-presenting guy. I don't know why.
- Now that rape culture has become a thing to be wary of (as it should always have been), I feel as though I now scare women, when before, I could talk casually and be a friend; now I'm a potential threat and though I can understand why they would feel this way, it still kind of depresses me. *hulk sad...*
-Throughout this, I still kind of like how I feel; I look in the mirror and find myself attractive. It also begins to make me feel guilty for being so cis-gendered male attracted.
Actually, I think the whole "feeling mortal" thing kind of covers it. I still feel like an alien, analyzing, empathizing and observing but not able to internalize the human condition, but with my fem side growing more and more distant, I feel as though I've lost a great super-power.
My boyfriend encouraged me to try Grindr/scruff/growlr. I found that I actually enjoy chatting with the gay/bi/pan guys around here. I found out that an old neighbor was also not-heterosexual. This made that street seem somehow, less lonely, which made me happy. We hung out, smoked a bit, but I felt like he was scrutinizing me under an electron microscope. Still, It was good to re-connect with an old friend of the family who was very clearly not homophobic.