all in all (is all we are) part ii [shinee big bang entry]
Don't start reading here!
part i
“You know,” Kibum said off-handedly one day, sprawled across his bed lazily. “I’m pretty sure you’re the favorite.”
Taemin looked up from his homework. “Huh?”
Kibum pouted, staring up at the ceiling. “You’re the favorite,” he repeated. “Everyone likes you the best.”
“Really?” Taemin wondered aloud, baffled.
Kibum made an irritated noise.
Taemin shut his book and sat up on his bed. “Are you upset, hyung?”
“A little,” Kibum admitted, rolling over to face Taemin. “I can’t blame them though. You are ridiculously cute.”
Taemin frowned. “Hyung.”
“Taemin-ah,” Kibum said. “Do you like me?”
His frown deepened. “Of course I like you, hyung.”
“Do you like me the best?” Kibum continued.
Taemin considered it. “Y-yeah, I guess,” he concluded. “I never really thought about it.”
But Kibum looked satisfied with his answer. He rolled off his bed and slid onto Taemin’s. “What’re you doing?”
“Homework,” Taemin answered at length as Kibum propped open his textbook.
“This isn’t due for another week,” Kibum said incredulously.
“I’m just working ahead,” Taemin defended, sliding onto his stomach next to him.
“Relax,” Kibum said, rolling awkwardly onto his side on the cramped twin-sized bed. He ran his fingers through Taemin’s hair as Taemin bent back over his book. “You should have a little fun too.”
“Fun?”
Kibum smiled dangerously. “Let’s go see Jinki and Jonghyun,” he said, rolling off the bed and onto his feet gracefully.
“It’s after curfew,” Taemin said, staring at him. “We’ll get in trouble.”
“Not if we don’t get caught,” Kibum argued, wrapping his hand around Taemin’s elbow and tugging beseechingly. “Come on,” he whined. “Live a little.”
Taemin frowned as he shut his book.
“Think of it as a stealth exercise!” Kibum said suddenly.
Taemin sat up. “You’re a bad influence, hyung.”
Kibum grinned. “Does that mean you’ll come?”
With a sigh, Taemin swung his feet over the edge of the bed.
Kibum did a little victory dance. “Come on, let’s hurry,” he said excitedly as he bounced over to the door.
Taemin grabbed his book and shuffled after him, watching Kibum slowly open the door and peek his head out.
“All clear,” he whispered as he slid out. Taemin rolled his eyes and followed him, propping the door open with his book.
“Where’s their room anyway?” Taemin asked quietly.
Kibum jerked his thumb to their right. “At the end of the hall.”
“Oh.”
Kibum crouched low and hugged the wall as he snuck down the poorly-lit hall. There was a light only every ten meters, leaving most of the hall shrouded in darkness. Taemin crept silently behind him, hand brushing along the wall as he moved.
When they made it to Jinki and Jonghyun’s room, Kibum paused and glanced back at Taemin, barely visible in the light.
“Looks like we’re not the only delinquents,” he breathed in delight, pointing toward their door.
It was propped open with a shoe.
“Maybe only Jonghyun snuck out,” Taemin whispered back.
“Unlikely,” Kibum muttered. “Jonghyun told me Jinki’s a light sleeper.”
“Where would they have gone?”
Kibum shrunk down suddenly. “Someone’s coming,” he hissed, tugging on Taemin’s arm. “Hurry, get in!” They slipped into the room quickly, closing the door as much as they could without actually closing it, in case the others came back.
Kibum grasped Taemin’s hand and tugged him into the corner behind the door.
“Instructor?” Taemin breathed as quietly as he could.
Kibum glanced at him, still clutching his hand. “I don’t know.”
The door opened slowly, and two shadows stumbled inside. Jinki and Jonghyun. Taemin opened his mouth to say something, but Kibum covered it with his free palm, shooting him a look.
Someone, presumably Jinki, tripped and fell onto his butt. Jonghyun’s laugh was unmistakable.
“Jinki, be quiet!” he whispered through a laugh. “You’ll wake up the whole hall!”
Jinki huffed as Jonghyun tugged him to his feet. “This was your idea anyway,” he defended.
Jonghyun laughed again breathlessly. “You bring out the worst in me,” he said, sliding his arm around Jinki’s waist.
Jinki gripped his face and kissed him suddenly, pulling and pushing at the same time. Kibum glanced at him, his palm still covering Taemin’s mouth. Taemin squeezed his other hand beseechingly, and Kibum removed his palm.
The older boys were laughing into the kiss as they stumbled toward their bed-Taemin did a double take. They’d pushed their beds together. He shot an alarmed look toward Kibum, who was biting his lip and determinedly not meeting his eyes.
Jinki fell onto the bed, Jonghyun landing on top of him breathlessly. He slid up and straddled Jinki’s waist, hands tugging at his uniform impatiently. Jinki groaned and slid his hands up Jonghyun’s back, beneath his thin shirt.
Kibum suddenly grabbed Taemin’s face and tucked it into his neck. “Don’t look,” he whispered against Taemin’s ear as quietly as he could.
Taemin struggled to pull himself free, but Kibum’s grip was unrelenting. It wasn’t like he didn’t know what was going on; he wasn’t stupid.
A stuttered moan hit the air, and he froze in Kibum’s arms. He’d changed his mind; he didn’t want to see, not something so private between his hyung-deul.
“Let’s go,” he whispered quietly, though the two on the bed wouldn’t hear them over their own noises.
“Okay,” Kibum breathed back, tightening his grip on Taemin’s hand. They slid carefully toward the door, Taemin determinedly not looking at the couple.
Kibum waited until they were completely distracted with each other before opening the door slowly and sneaking out, tugging Taemin out behind him. He shut the door carefully, glanced at Kibum and squeezed his hand.
They were silent as they snuck back to their own room. Taemin picked up his book on the way in and set it on his desk carefully. Kibum shut the door with a soft click and shuffled toward his bed.
Taemin slipped into his bed slowly. He reached over and tugged on the light switch, and the room fell into darkness.
He stared up into black, hands clutching at his blanket helplessly as he tried to fall asleep.
“Kibum-hyung?” he whispered after several minutes.
There was a painful pause and then, “It’s okay.”
“Are you upset?” Taemin asked quietly.
“Why would I be?” Kibum breathed back.
“You’re quieter than usual,” Taemin said.
“Just surprised,” Kibum admitted. “Jinki, of all people. I thought Jonghyun would do better.”
Taemin couldn’t help but laugh. After a moment, Kibum joined him, biting his blanket to stifle his gasps.
“It’s just,” Kibum said after a minute, trying to catch his breath. “Is it okay?”
Taemin sobered instantly. “It’s not?”
“I don’t know,” Kibum admitted.
Taemin was silent.
“It doesn’t feel wrong,” Kibum said almost inaudibly. “I never would have expected them to be together, but now that I’ve seen it-they fit.”
“I’m happy for them,” Taemin said quietly.
“Yeah,” Kibum breathed. “Yeah, me too.”
--
Kibum laughed beneath Taemin. “I didn’t think you were so fast.”
Taemin poked him in the chest and stood up. “Never underestimate your opponent,” he said gravely, offering his hand.
Kibum took it and pulled himself up. “Alright, let’s try this again then. I’ll beat you.”
Taemin grinned and cocked his head. “Okay, hyung,” he said.
Kibum swiped at him unexpectedly. Taemin jumped back quickly, much to Kibum’s chagrin. Brows furrowed, he threw another punch, yelping when Taemin brought his arm up to deflect him.
Taemin kicked his leg out, and Kibum hopped to the side easily, jerking his leg out to catch Taemin, who fell onto his back. He rolled onto his feet quickly.
“Not bad, I guess,” Taemin teased.
“Oh, the insubordination!” Kibum exclaimed as he charged at Taemin.
He couldn’t dodge the older boy fast enough and grunted as he was tackled to the floor. He jerked his leg up immediately, narrowly missing Kibum’s crotch as the older boy rolled them over and sat on his thighs. Kibum pinned his arms down to the mat with a grin.
“Do I win?” he asked with a smile.
“I suppose,” Taemin relented with a put-upon sigh.
On their immediate right, Jinki tripped over his own feet and tumbled into Minho, who grunted as he caught Jinki. Jinki pushed himself away immediately, laughing nervously. Taemin watched them curiously as Kibum slid off him.
Kibum leaned over him and asked, “I’m better than Jinki, aren’t I?” He grasped his hand.
Taemin laughed. “I think everyone is.”
Jinki glanced at them and frowned. Minho quickly knocked him down.
“Don’t get distracted,” Minho said patiently as he offered him a hand.
“Sorry,” Jinki apologized as he took it and pulled himself to his feet. There was a loud cry, and suddenly Jonghyun launched himself at Jinki’s back, clinging onto him as the older boy swayed dangerously. They tumbled to the floor together, Jonghyun laughing happily into Jinki’s back. Jinki rolled over and tickled him with a goofy smile.
Taemin sat up and observed them quietly, remembering how easily they fit together as they kissed. They looked happy. He glanced at Kibum, who he found to be watching their joined hands quietly.
He looked away quickly.
Minho crouched down next to him. “Want to go?”
Taemin jumped up excitedly. “You’re on!”
--
Kibum ran his fingers through his hair and ruffled it messily, inspecting it in the mirror at different angles.
“Hyung,” Taemin called as he tugged on his socks. “Your hair looks fine.”
Kibum threw him a stray glance. “I’m just checking.”
Taemin stood up. “It’s going to get messy anyways.”
Frowning, Kibum took once last look in his mirror before tucking it away. “Let’s go to breakfast then,” he announced, looking Taemin over. “I swear you’re getting thinner and thinner. Are you sure you’re eating enough?”
Taemin rolled his eyes. “You feed me enough for the both of us, hyung.”
“Are you done?” Kibum asked.
“I was waiting for you,” Taemin said incredulously.
Kibum brushed off Taemin’s shoulders and examined his appearance. “Alright then.” He grabbed Taemin’s hand and interlocked their fingers as he pulled him toward the door. “Let’s go fatten you up.”
Taemin’s glance fell to their hands. It was Kibum’s skinship as usual. It still didn’t stop Taemin’s heart from fluttering.
--
“Be honest here, Taemin-ah,” Minho said as they climbed the netted wall. “Do you like Kibum-hyung?”
Taemin was breathing heavily, already tired. “Of course I like him,” he huffed. “Why do you guys keep asking me this?”
Minho glanced back at the rest of the squad. Jonghyun and Kibum were crawling under a matted net, racing to the end of the obstacle course (though Minho and Taemin were beating them by far). Jinki was last, stumbling around blindly as he tried to untangle himself from said net (which he thought he had to walk through, not crawl beneath).
“Not as a hyung,” Minho corrected quietly.
Taemin’s hold slipped, and he lost his footing. Shooting his arm out, Minho caught him by his forearm and tugged him back up.
“Thanks,” Taemin breathed. “What do you mean?”
“I mean-” He paused as he hauled himself over the top of the wall, swinging his long leg over and straddling it. “I mean as more than a friend.”
Taemin reached his arm up, and Minho grasped it, pulling him up, so they faced each other. “Oh, you mean like Jinki-hyung and Jonghyun-hyung?”
Minho glanced at the others. “You knew about them?”
“We saw them,” Taemin admitted shyly. “It wasn’t on purpose, or anything.”
“I won’t say anything,” Minho promised.
“How did you know?” Taemin asked as he regained his breath.
Minho looked at him thoughtfully. “It was obvious.” Taemin threw him a curious look. “I mean-do you remember our first Practical? It was in the way Jinki held him when he was in pain, the way he made sure he made sure Jonghyun had a part despite the disability.” Minho paused and swung his other leg over, preparing to descend.
“Jonghyun said to me that he even if he thought he would get in the way, he was grateful that he could still help and that Jinki believed in him.”
Taemin started to climb down the other side. “Jinki-hyung said everyone had to have a part.”
“But you didn’t hear anyone else complaining, did you?” Minho asked smartly. “Jinki-hyung has a lot of faith in Jonghyun because he doesn’t have the same faith in himself. And Jonghyun will listen to Jinki because he believes that Jinki knows what he’s doing, even if it might sound ridiculous.”
“Oh,” Taemin said dumbly, his arms aching. “You really do pay attention.”
Minho threw him a grin. “I pay attention to the way Kibum dotes on you.”
“You all dote on me,” Taemin said in fake-disgust.
Minho laughed. “None more so than Kibum-hyung. He is very affectionate with you.”
“He’s affectionate with everyone,” Taemin replied. Why was he getting so defensive?
Minho looked at him pointedly as he dropped off the wall. Glancing down, Taemin shrugged and released the netting, landing gracefully onto his feet.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Everything is new to me.”
Minho’s hand fell heavily onto his shoulder. “It’s okay if you do, you know,” he said.
“Hey!” Jonghyun called down to them from the top of the wall. “Slow down and give us short-legged people a chance!”
Kibum’s head peeked over the edge as he heaved himself up. “Taemin-ah, ignore him! Wait for me at the end!” Jonghyun punched him. “Ow! You jerk, what if I fell!”
Jonghyun’s reply was lost to him. Taemin smiled and gave Kibum a thumbs-up. “You can do it!” he cried, hands cupping his mouth. “I’ll wait for you, hyung!”
Minho gave him another pointed look.
“What?” Taemin murmured innocently.
“Just don’t keep him waiting,” Minho said at last. “He has a fragile heart.”
--
Taemin walked in once when Kibum was writing in his journal. It seemed immensely private, so Taemin made a big show of entering, not looking at Kibum until he was sure the older boy had hidden his journal.
But Kibum had only shut the journal and clasped his hands together as if he didn’t care.
“Hey,” Taemin said. “Did you skip lunch?”
“I wasn’t hungry,” Kibum replied, unusually quiet. “Did you eat a lot?”
“Jonghyun made sure to feed me in your place,” he joked.
“That’s good.”
Taemin bit his lip as he approached him. “Hyung, are you okay?”
“Yeah,” he said distractedly. He glanced up at Taemin. “Actually, maybe I should go down to the infirmary just in case.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No,” Kibum said, placing his journal on his pillow. He slid onto his feet. “That’s okay. I’ll see you in class, Taemin-ah.” He offered him a small smile as he left.
Taemin stared at his bed blankly. Then before he could stop himself, he picked up Kibum’s journal and flipped to the latest page. His heart froze.
I wish I had his courage. I wish I had the strength. I wish I wasn’t afraid.
I wish Taemin would pay attention.
Taemin shut it carefully and placed it reverently back onto the pillow before he moved over to his bed and lay down.
--
Jonghyun pulled him into a hug. “Happy birthday, magnae!”
Taemin smiled at him. “Thanks, hyung.”
He shoved a poorly-wrapped package into his hands. “This is from me and Jinki,” he said quickly. Jinki smiled at him nervously, wringing his hands.
Taemin looked at the present in wonder. It had been years since his last birthday gift. He peeled off the wrapping to find a thin black box within. Glancing up at them, he removed the top of the box slowly.
It was a polished switchblade with an obsidian handle. Taemin picked it up reverently and turned it around in his hands.
“We noticed yours was getting a little rusty,” Jinki said rapidly. “So we thought we’d get you a new one.”
He looked up at them and smiled softly. “Thanks, hyung-deul.”
Jinki fidgeted for a moment before throwing his arms around him for a quick hug.
“We should go. Curfew’s soon.” He tugged on Jonghyun’s arm. “See you tomorrow.” He gave Minho a pointed look as they left. “Don’t take long.”
Minho waved him off with one hand before he sat next to Taemin on his bed. Kibum watched them silently. He handed Taemin a small square package and sat back quietly.
Taemin unwrapped it carefully. It was a picture frame, and inside was the picture of him and his mother. He glanced up at Minho and then over at Kibum before he lifted his pillow to look beneath.
“Kibum took it for me,” Minho said quietly. “We thought it could use a home.”
Taemin bit his lip and stared down at his mother behind the thin glass for a moment before he threw his arms around Minho. “Thank you,” he said thickly.
Minho patted his back soothingly. “I should go,” he said quietly. “Before curfew.”
Taemin pulled away and nodded. “Thank you,” he said again.
Minho smiled and ruffled his hair as he stood up. “Happy birthday, Taemin-ah.”
He barely noticed Minho leave, too engrossed in the picture of his mother.
Kibum sat down on his bed and slowly pried the picture frame away from Taemin, setting it on his pillow. “Close your eyes,” he demanded imperiously.
Taemin looked at him crossly before he obeyed. He felt Kibum pick up his hand. There was a soft click and then a light weight on his wrist.
“You can open your eyes now,” Kibum told him.
Taemin obeyed. There was a plain silver bracelet with a small charm of a sun wrapped around his wrist. There was a similar bracelet around Kibum’s wrist with a charm of the moon. He glanced up at Kibum.
“It’s a family tradition,” Kibum explained. “Everyone in the family has the moon to symbolize darkness, and then-” He paused and grabbed Taemin’s wrist, looking down so that his hair obscured his face. “And when we find our light, we give away the one with the sun to symbolize our love.”
Taemin looked down at their hands and then back up to Kibum’s hidden face. He wrapped his arms around Kibum and held him close. “I like you too, hyung.”
Kibum lifted his arms slowly and hugged him back, burying his face in Taemin’s shoulder. “I-I liked you when I first saw you, you know. You looked so lost and innocent, and I just wanted to hold you and never let you go.”
Taemin squeezed him but didn’t say anything.
“Just-” He pulled away and looked at him. “Just keep me.”
Taemin nodded slowly.
Kibum smiled softly before he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Taemin’s lips. “Happy Birthday, magnae.”
--
“I don’t know much about the Empire,” Taemin said one night as Kibum sat on his bed and read a book.
“What are you talking about?” Kibum mumbled. “You have history books.”
“I know there’s more to it,” Taemin insisted. “And you know. I know you know.”
“And how would you know anything about what I know?” Kibum said off-handedly.
Taemin shot for outright flattery. “You know lots of things,” he said coyly. “You always have stories.”
Kibum nodded thoughtfully at his book, tossed Taemin a glance and then folded the upper right hand corner of his page before setting the book down.
“The history books don’t say this, of course,” Kibum began, “but the Empire is a tyranny. It’s so subtle that barely anyone even knows we’re oppressed.”
“Then how do you know?” Taemin asked, trying not to sound like he was accusing him.
“The story’s been passed down in my family for ages,” Kibum declared, almost proudly, his hand curled around the cross Taemin knew was hanging from his neck, next to his dog tags. “It’s not like we could write it down. This may be the 25th century, but we’ve hardly progressed in terms of oppression. The Empire is no different from the Roman Catholic Church nearly a millennium ago, burning science down by the book in order to keep their power alive. The Empire doesn’t need anyone knowing the truth and rebelling, you know?”
Taemin thought briefly of his mother, set afire in her own sanctuary. Hoodlums, they said, had killed his mother. How ironic.
Kibum continued, “Did you know Earth was destroyed over three hundred years ago?”
Taemin looked up, startled. “But we live on Earth. How is that possible?”
Kibum laughed, and Taemin would have almost felt embarrassed had it not been for Kibum’s knowing smile.
“Earth was destroyed the year 2063,” Kibum said. “By our own kind. We were greedy. We wanted money and power and immaterial possessions. We could not see that we were destroying our own home. It was always war and destruction and pain. Even now, we are much the same way. We travel from planet to planet, destroying everything in our path in the name of conquest.” Kibum looked almost excited to have a willing audience.
“The Empire rose from the United Nations, a union between the powerhouses of the world. And while Earth was on the brink on destruction, they saved the best and the brightest of their countries, and they flew them out into space, where they inhabited a planet they called Elysium.” He snorted. “As if this were heaven.”
Taemin agreed. He couldn’t believe he’d lived-barely survived-on the streets of a planet called Elysium, of all things.
“And they told their people that this was Earth now,” Kibum continued, pointing down, “and that they couldn’t look back into the past when their future was so bright ahead of them. So people forgot.” Kibum leaned heavily against the wall and eyed Taemin coolly.
“And then their original thirty-something leaders dwindled down to twenty-something and ten-something, and then suddenly they weren’t being elected anymore, but their sons were taking their places, and the democracy that they had created wasn’t a democracy anymore, but an oligarchy. And then-well, you know the rest, don’t you?”
Taemin nodded. “March 17, 2239,” Taemin recited mechanically. He’d memorized these words, the first words he had read in his textbook. “The day that Jung Il Sung came to power and assumed the “throne” of the Empire, creating a shining new future for the human race.”
Kibum smiled, but it was empty around the edges. “That’s right. A throne. Though we had been free people only two centuries before. But the people cheered, and they accepted their new leader with open arms. And since then, we have never had an emperor that was not named Jung, and we have forgotten even more who we once were.”
Taemin exhaled heavily. “I understand,” he said, trying to convey what he really meant to Kibum, that he believed him.
“Heavy words,” a voice said from the doorway, and they both swiveled their heads around to find Jinki, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed.
“Honest words,” Kibum retorted.
“If that’s what you believe,” Jinki said and pushed himself to his feet. His face was oddly serious, blank of his usual smile. “If you hold hostile feelings for the Empire, you should get out while you can,” he said. “Treason is punishable by death.”
“I wouldn’t be here if I held ‘hostile feelings’ for the Empire,” Kibum hissed, though Taemin could tell it lacked real fire. “Did you need something, Onew?”
Jinki looked at him blankly. “I came to share the good news,” he said, then offered a goofy smile as if the past minute had not occurred. “Command’s just sent word. We’re going up.”
There was a heavy pause. Taemin turned to meet Kibum’s eyes.
“Up,” Kibum repeated flatly. Taemin heard the hitch in his breath. “We’re going into space.”
Jinki’s smile widened. “Only two squads were promoted this quarter,” he said almost breathlessly. “The ship’s docking tomorrow morning at 0800 hours.”
“Space,” Kibum repeated.
Taemin beamed and launched himself onto Kibum’s bed. “We did it!”
Kibum’s arms wrapped around him, and he laughed into Taemin’s shoulder. “Y-yeah.”
It was almost gratifying for Taemin to know he had come this far. Not too long ago, he’d been a poor boy on the streets, barely getting by. Now, he was going into space.
--
“I’ll tell you something, Taemin-ah,” Kibum whispered from his bed that night. “I’ve always wondered if those stories were true. You know, about the Empire? And I always thought, if we were oppressed like that, why didn’t anyone do anything about it? It wasn’t until I met you that I understood.”
“Me?” Taemin asked quietly.
There was a shuffling noise, and then his bed shifted under Kibum’s weight. Taemin rolled over and looked up at the older boy, though the dark made it hard to see him.
“All that stuff-it doesn’t matter when you’re happy,” Kibum said quietly, fingers trailing through Taemin’s hair adoringly. “You’re so happy just being here. I mean, you-you always take everything in stride, and you appreciate everything you’re given. I admire that, you know.” There was a long pause, and Kibum added almost inaudibly, “I envy you sometimes, for your strength and your courage.”
Taemin swallowed nervously. “M-me? But I’m not that great,” he argued.
Taemin could feel Kibum smile above him. “Don’t be modest,” he scolded fondly. “I’m being serious here.”
“I don’t think you should be envious of me,” Taemin said quietly, “when you’re pretty great yourself.”
Kibum laughed. “You’re too nice to me, dongsaeng.” There was a pause while Kibum’s hands continued to brush through Taemin’s hair.
“You must be uncomfortable,” Taemin said softly.
“Not at all,” Kibum said.
Taemin shifted in his bed and lifted up his covers. Kibum smiled as he climbed in, curling into Taemin’s body awkwardly on his twin-sized bed. They pressed their foreheads together.
“So, space,” Kibum said nonchalantly.
Taemin laughed quietly. “I know you’re excited,” he said.
“Ecstatic,” Kibum breathed, and Taemin could feel it in the fingers that rested on his arm.
“What do you think it’s like?” Taemin wondered aloud.
“Amazing,” Kibum said immediately. “My uncle was a pilot back in his day too, you know. He used to tell me all these stories about space. It’s just darkness, you know? Like right now.”
Taemin nodded. “Night,” he responded quietly.
“Like a blanket,” Kibum whispered back. “And there’s power beneath your fingertips, like the energy of a sun.”
There was silence for a long time. Taemin shifted and wondered if Kibum was asleep.
“Kibum-hyung?” he whispered. “Are you awake?”
No answer. Taemin shifted closer, resting his hand on Kibum’s hip.
“I’m glad I met you,” Taemin continued quietly. “Even if you’re a little eccentric at times.” He closed his eyes and relaxed into his pillow.
After a second, there was soft pressure against his lips.
“I’m glad I met you too,” Kibum whispered against his lips.
Taemin smiled.
“Is this okay?” Kibum breathed.
“Yeah,” Taemin said.
The pressure shifted, and Kibum’s lips completely covered his. His fingers tightened on Taemin’s arm as he slid his body closer.
It was a curious feeling for Taemin, who had never kissed anyone like this before. He’d seen it happen a few times, discreetly between two cadets or instructors. His mind flew back to the time he’d seen Jinki and Jonghyun tangled together, an unlikely pair.
Kibum tilted his head and fell into their kiss, dipping his tongue out to tentatively caress Taemin’s lips. Taemin parted his lips and met Kibum halfway, awkwardly tangling their tongues together. His hand slid up to cup Kibum’s face.
“S-sorry,” Taemin said against his mouth. “I’ve never-”
Kibum laughed quietly. “S’okay,” he assured, pulling away. “There’s plenty of time for practice.”
Taemin flushed pleasantly.
“We should sleep,” Kibum said reluctantly. “It’s a big day tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Taemin whispered. His body tensed as he waited for Kibum to slip out and back to his own bed. Instead, the older boy slid closer, tucking an arm around Taemin’s waist and his head into Taemin’s collar.
Taemin shifted closer, shutting his eyes with a smile. “Night, hyung.”
Kibum squeezed his waist in response, smile curving against Taemin’s skin.
He had never felt so warm.
--
“Enemy ship on your 5, Captain,” Taemin called into his headset, fingers curled naturally over his controls.
Jinki spiraled left quickly, leaving Taemin enough room to take out the enemy with two quick pulls on his trigger.
Jinki’s voice rang out over the comm. link, “Nice work, Magnae.” There was a pause and then, “Key, take out their life support.”
“Roger that, captain,” Kibum’s voice responded promptly, and Taemin watched Kibum’s ship dive out of formation and spiral neatly below the enemy transport.
“Chameleon,” Jinki continued, “head in our 10 and take out their comm. tower before they summon reinforcements.”
“Roger that,” called Minho’s deep voice before he shot off toward the transport.
“We should really get him a new codename,” Taemin joked as he shot down two incoming enemy ships.
“How about ‘flaming charisma?’” Jonghyun’s voice teased back.
Taemin laughed. “Sounds perfect.”
Jinki’s voice was amused as he called out over the comm. link, “Eyes on the prize, boys.”
Jonghyun cried out suddenly, alarmed. “Incoming on our 6, captain.” Sure enough, there was a blob of enemy ships approaching on Taemin’s radar.
“No sudden movements,” Jinki ordered. “On my order.”
From the tense silence, Taemin could tell Jonghyun was itching to say something.
“Comm. tower down, Captain,” Minho called a moment later.
Taemin glanced up from his radar sharply, just in time to watch the tower collapsing on the transport.
Jinki’s voice sounded exasperated as he said, “Bling, Magnae, take ‘em out.”
Jonghyun sounded excited as he called back, “Roger that, Captain,” and did a quick 180.
Taemin dived sharply and spun, already tugging on his triggers as he pulled back up. He could see about ten of them advancing head-on and three more on his right. Jinki shot them down quickly.
There were four sharp pulls on his trigger as he swayed back and forth. Minho’s ship pulled up on his left.
“Life support down,” Kibum’s voice called suddenly.
“Took you long enough,” Jonghyun teased, and Taemin saw two ships fall to his fire.
“You try taking out their life support with four fighters on your ass,” Kibum bit back.
“I’m sure it was glorious,” Jonghyun called.
“Oh, it was,” Kibum said.
The last fighters fell.
“Captain?” Taemin called.
“Loop back around,” Jinki ordered. “Take out any stragglers. Engage before engaged. Bling, follow me.”
“Roger that,” they called simultaneously and turned around.
As Jinki dived out of formation, Jonghyun close on his tail, a volley of fire came from the enemy transport.
“Key!” Taemin called as he and Minho spun to avoid it.
“Approaching on your 10, Magnae,” Key’s voice assured. “Transport’s gearing up their firepower. Stay low.”
“Use evasive tactics,” Jinki’s voice reaffirmed. “This is the last wave.”
Kibum shot past him on his left before looping around and joining them. The last of the enemy fighters advanced from the transport, reckless in their desperation.
“Stay firm,” Minho said quietly.
“Let’s take them down, guys,” Kibum cried.
Taemin pulled on his triggers harshly, raking down the enemy line before they could fire. Kibum made a pleased sound into his headset as he joined him.
“Engines are down,” Jinki called. “Bling?”
There was silence.
“Is he-?” Kibum started.
“Back-up engines down, Captain,” Jonghyun’s voice called. “Your lack of faith disturbs me, Key.”
Kibum laughed as he shot down the enemy.
Taemin’s controls locked suddenly, and his screen went dark. He made a disappointed noise.
He heard similar reactions from his squad.
“Mission success,” a monotone voice called through their comm. links. There was a hissing noise and then light pierced the darkness as his simulation unit opened.
Taemin stretched his legs and climbed out.
Jonghyun promptly tackled him into a hug and ruffled his hair affectionately. “You were so good, Magnae!”
Taemin batted at his hand. “I guess you were okay.”
Jonghyun frowned and squeezed him harder. “What are you talking about,” he deadpanned. “I was amazing.”
Kibum pried his hands away from Taemin. “Stop smothering him,” he chided before promptly wrapping his arms around Taemin. Taemin smiled as he returned the embrace.
“Stop smothering him!” Jonghyun mocked in a high-pitched voice as he threw an arm around Minho’s neck, tugging him down to his height. Minho pinched Jonghyun’s hip until he released him.
Jinki appeared on Jonghyun’s other side, arm curving naturally around Jonghyun’s thin waist. He smiled goofily and declared, “Lunch on me!”
“Hyung,” Taemin said incredulously, muffled with his face tucked into Kibum’s neck. “We don’t have to pay for lunch.”
Jonghyun snickered.
“It’s the thought that counts,” Jinki defended, and his words seemed to echo across Taemin’s memory.
“Okay,” Taemin relented. “But only if you get me those little cookie things.”
“Don’t sell your soul to Jinki, Taemin-ah!” Jonghyun cried. “I’ll get you your cookies for free!”
“Hey!” Jinki protested. “I’m not trying to buy his soul!”
Jonghyun threw an arm around his neck too, tugging him away from them with a loud tirade on taking advantage of innocents. Minho tossed Taemin a smile over Kibum’s shoulder, walking backwards.
“Don’t take too long,” he warned good-naturedly. “Or Jonghyun will eat all your cookies, Taemin-ah.”
“You better not let him!” Taemin shrieked, standing on his tip-toes to peek over Kibum’s shoulder. “I mean it!” he called as Minho just grinned, waved his arm and walked away.
“I’ll get you more cookies,” Kibum promised, smiling against Taemin’s shoulder.
“Yah, hyung, I can’t breathe,” he said, only half-joking.
Kibum pulled away slowly. “Sorry, I’m just happy.”
Taemin smiled softly. “Yeah, I know.”
Kibum slid his hand around the back of Taemin’s neck and tugged him into a kiss. Taemin responded enthusiastically, albeit somewhat messily, sliding his palm to cup Kibum’s cheek. He tilted his head into it and smiled.
The older boy bit his lip playfully. “Look what I’ve created,” he joked.
Taemin grinned and grabbed Kibum’s hand, twining their fingers together and swinging their arms. Their bracelets jingled as they bounced against each other.
“You owe me cookies then,” he declared, tugging Kibum away from the simulation units.
Kibum squeezed his hand as he leaned over and planted a wet, open-mouthed kiss on Taemin’s cheek. “Can I trade cookies for more kisses?” he asked.
“I’ll consider it,” Taemin said gravely, swinging their arms as they walked.
“Something tells me you’ve already decided,” Kibum flirted easily.
Taemin grinned at him. “Something tells me you know my answer.”
Kibum stopped him in the hallway, pushing him against the wall and capturing Taemin’s lips again. He parted his lips easily, molding against his body like sand.
It was warm and wet and comforting. It felt real, substantial. It felt like home.
part i
“You know,” Kibum said off-handedly one day, sprawled across his bed lazily. “I’m pretty sure you’re the favorite.”
Taemin looked up from his homework. “Huh?”
Kibum pouted, staring up at the ceiling. “You’re the favorite,” he repeated. “Everyone likes you the best.”
“Really?” Taemin wondered aloud, baffled.
Kibum made an irritated noise.
Taemin shut his book and sat up on his bed. “Are you upset, hyung?”
“A little,” Kibum admitted, rolling over to face Taemin. “I can’t blame them though. You are ridiculously cute.”
Taemin frowned. “Hyung.”
“Taemin-ah,” Kibum said. “Do you like me?”
His frown deepened. “Of course I like you, hyung.”
“Do you like me the best?” Kibum continued.
Taemin considered it. “Y-yeah, I guess,” he concluded. “I never really thought about it.”
But Kibum looked satisfied with his answer. He rolled off his bed and slid onto Taemin’s. “What’re you doing?”
“Homework,” Taemin answered at length as Kibum propped open his textbook.
“This isn’t due for another week,” Kibum said incredulously.
“I’m just working ahead,” Taemin defended, sliding onto his stomach next to him.
“Relax,” Kibum said, rolling awkwardly onto his side on the cramped twin-sized bed. He ran his fingers through Taemin’s hair as Taemin bent back over his book. “You should have a little fun too.”
“Fun?”
Kibum smiled dangerously. “Let’s go see Jinki and Jonghyun,” he said, rolling off the bed and onto his feet gracefully.
“It’s after curfew,” Taemin said, staring at him. “We’ll get in trouble.”
“Not if we don’t get caught,” Kibum argued, wrapping his hand around Taemin’s elbow and tugging beseechingly. “Come on,” he whined. “Live a little.”
Taemin frowned as he shut his book.
“Think of it as a stealth exercise!” Kibum said suddenly.
Taemin sat up. “You’re a bad influence, hyung.”
Kibum grinned. “Does that mean you’ll come?”
With a sigh, Taemin swung his feet over the edge of the bed.
Kibum did a little victory dance. “Come on, let’s hurry,” he said excitedly as he bounced over to the door.
Taemin grabbed his book and shuffled after him, watching Kibum slowly open the door and peek his head out.
“All clear,” he whispered as he slid out. Taemin rolled his eyes and followed him, propping the door open with his book.
“Where’s their room anyway?” Taemin asked quietly.
Kibum jerked his thumb to their right. “At the end of the hall.”
“Oh.”
Kibum crouched low and hugged the wall as he snuck down the poorly-lit hall. There was a light only every ten meters, leaving most of the hall shrouded in darkness. Taemin crept silently behind him, hand brushing along the wall as he moved.
When they made it to Jinki and Jonghyun’s room, Kibum paused and glanced back at Taemin, barely visible in the light.
“Looks like we’re not the only delinquents,” he breathed in delight, pointing toward their door.
It was propped open with a shoe.
“Maybe only Jonghyun snuck out,” Taemin whispered back.
“Unlikely,” Kibum muttered. “Jonghyun told me Jinki’s a light sleeper.”
“Where would they have gone?”
Kibum shrunk down suddenly. “Someone’s coming,” he hissed, tugging on Taemin’s arm. “Hurry, get in!” They slipped into the room quickly, closing the door as much as they could without actually closing it, in case the others came back.
Kibum grasped Taemin’s hand and tugged him into the corner behind the door.
“Instructor?” Taemin breathed as quietly as he could.
Kibum glanced at him, still clutching his hand. “I don’t know.”
The door opened slowly, and two shadows stumbled inside. Jinki and Jonghyun. Taemin opened his mouth to say something, but Kibum covered it with his free palm, shooting him a look.
Someone, presumably Jinki, tripped and fell onto his butt. Jonghyun’s laugh was unmistakable.
“Jinki, be quiet!” he whispered through a laugh. “You’ll wake up the whole hall!”
Jinki huffed as Jonghyun tugged him to his feet. “This was your idea anyway,” he defended.
Jonghyun laughed again breathlessly. “You bring out the worst in me,” he said, sliding his arm around Jinki’s waist.
Jinki gripped his face and kissed him suddenly, pulling and pushing at the same time. Kibum glanced at him, his palm still covering Taemin’s mouth. Taemin squeezed his other hand beseechingly, and Kibum removed his palm.
The older boys were laughing into the kiss as they stumbled toward their bed-Taemin did a double take. They’d pushed their beds together. He shot an alarmed look toward Kibum, who was biting his lip and determinedly not meeting his eyes.
Jinki fell onto the bed, Jonghyun landing on top of him breathlessly. He slid up and straddled Jinki’s waist, hands tugging at his uniform impatiently. Jinki groaned and slid his hands up Jonghyun’s back, beneath his thin shirt.
Kibum suddenly grabbed Taemin’s face and tucked it into his neck. “Don’t look,” he whispered against Taemin’s ear as quietly as he could.
Taemin struggled to pull himself free, but Kibum’s grip was unrelenting. It wasn’t like he didn’t know what was going on; he wasn’t stupid.
A stuttered moan hit the air, and he froze in Kibum’s arms. He’d changed his mind; he didn’t want to see, not something so private between his hyung-deul.
“Let’s go,” he whispered quietly, though the two on the bed wouldn’t hear them over their own noises.
“Okay,” Kibum breathed back, tightening his grip on Taemin’s hand. They slid carefully toward the door, Taemin determinedly not looking at the couple.
Kibum waited until they were completely distracted with each other before opening the door slowly and sneaking out, tugging Taemin out behind him. He shut the door carefully, glanced at Kibum and squeezed his hand.
They were silent as they snuck back to their own room. Taemin picked up his book on the way in and set it on his desk carefully. Kibum shut the door with a soft click and shuffled toward his bed.
Taemin slipped into his bed slowly. He reached over and tugged on the light switch, and the room fell into darkness.
He stared up into black, hands clutching at his blanket helplessly as he tried to fall asleep.
“Kibum-hyung?” he whispered after several minutes.
There was a painful pause and then, “It’s okay.”
“Are you upset?” Taemin asked quietly.
“Why would I be?” Kibum breathed back.
“You’re quieter than usual,” Taemin said.
“Just surprised,” Kibum admitted. “Jinki, of all people. I thought Jonghyun would do better.”
Taemin couldn’t help but laugh. After a moment, Kibum joined him, biting his blanket to stifle his gasps.
“It’s just,” Kibum said after a minute, trying to catch his breath. “Is it okay?”
Taemin sobered instantly. “It’s not?”
“I don’t know,” Kibum admitted.
Taemin was silent.
“It doesn’t feel wrong,” Kibum said almost inaudibly. “I never would have expected them to be together, but now that I’ve seen it-they fit.”
“I’m happy for them,” Taemin said quietly.
“Yeah,” Kibum breathed. “Yeah, me too.”
--
Kibum laughed beneath Taemin. “I didn’t think you were so fast.”
Taemin poked him in the chest and stood up. “Never underestimate your opponent,” he said gravely, offering his hand.
Kibum took it and pulled himself up. “Alright, let’s try this again then. I’ll beat you.”
Taemin grinned and cocked his head. “Okay, hyung,” he said.
Kibum swiped at him unexpectedly. Taemin jumped back quickly, much to Kibum’s chagrin. Brows furrowed, he threw another punch, yelping when Taemin brought his arm up to deflect him.
Taemin kicked his leg out, and Kibum hopped to the side easily, jerking his leg out to catch Taemin, who fell onto his back. He rolled onto his feet quickly.
“Not bad, I guess,” Taemin teased.
“Oh, the insubordination!” Kibum exclaimed as he charged at Taemin.
He couldn’t dodge the older boy fast enough and grunted as he was tackled to the floor. He jerked his leg up immediately, narrowly missing Kibum’s crotch as the older boy rolled them over and sat on his thighs. Kibum pinned his arms down to the mat with a grin.
“Do I win?” he asked with a smile.
“I suppose,” Taemin relented with a put-upon sigh.
On their immediate right, Jinki tripped over his own feet and tumbled into Minho, who grunted as he caught Jinki. Jinki pushed himself away immediately, laughing nervously. Taemin watched them curiously as Kibum slid off him.
Kibum leaned over him and asked, “I’m better than Jinki, aren’t I?” He grasped his hand.
Taemin laughed. “I think everyone is.”
Jinki glanced at them and frowned. Minho quickly knocked him down.
“Don’t get distracted,” Minho said patiently as he offered him a hand.
“Sorry,” Jinki apologized as he took it and pulled himself to his feet. There was a loud cry, and suddenly Jonghyun launched himself at Jinki’s back, clinging onto him as the older boy swayed dangerously. They tumbled to the floor together, Jonghyun laughing happily into Jinki’s back. Jinki rolled over and tickled him with a goofy smile.
Taemin sat up and observed them quietly, remembering how easily they fit together as they kissed. They looked happy. He glanced at Kibum, who he found to be watching their joined hands quietly.
He looked away quickly.
Minho crouched down next to him. “Want to go?”
Taemin jumped up excitedly. “You’re on!”
--
Kibum ran his fingers through his hair and ruffled it messily, inspecting it in the mirror at different angles.
“Hyung,” Taemin called as he tugged on his socks. “Your hair looks fine.”
Kibum threw him a stray glance. “I’m just checking.”
Taemin stood up. “It’s going to get messy anyways.”
Frowning, Kibum took once last look in his mirror before tucking it away. “Let’s go to breakfast then,” he announced, looking Taemin over. “I swear you’re getting thinner and thinner. Are you sure you’re eating enough?”
Taemin rolled his eyes. “You feed me enough for the both of us, hyung.”
“Are you done?” Kibum asked.
“I was waiting for you,” Taemin said incredulously.
Kibum brushed off Taemin’s shoulders and examined his appearance. “Alright then.” He grabbed Taemin’s hand and interlocked their fingers as he pulled him toward the door. “Let’s go fatten you up.”
Taemin’s glance fell to their hands. It was Kibum’s skinship as usual. It still didn’t stop Taemin’s heart from fluttering.
--
“Be honest here, Taemin-ah,” Minho said as they climbed the netted wall. “Do you like Kibum-hyung?”
Taemin was breathing heavily, already tired. “Of course I like him,” he huffed. “Why do you guys keep asking me this?”
Minho glanced back at the rest of the squad. Jonghyun and Kibum were crawling under a matted net, racing to the end of the obstacle course (though Minho and Taemin were beating them by far). Jinki was last, stumbling around blindly as he tried to untangle himself from said net (which he thought he had to walk through, not crawl beneath).
“Not as a hyung,” Minho corrected quietly.
Taemin’s hold slipped, and he lost his footing. Shooting his arm out, Minho caught him by his forearm and tugged him back up.
“Thanks,” Taemin breathed. “What do you mean?”
“I mean-” He paused as he hauled himself over the top of the wall, swinging his long leg over and straddling it. “I mean as more than a friend.”
Taemin reached his arm up, and Minho grasped it, pulling him up, so they faced each other. “Oh, you mean like Jinki-hyung and Jonghyun-hyung?”
Minho glanced at the others. “You knew about them?”
“We saw them,” Taemin admitted shyly. “It wasn’t on purpose, or anything.”
“I won’t say anything,” Minho promised.
“How did you know?” Taemin asked as he regained his breath.
Minho looked at him thoughtfully. “It was obvious.” Taemin threw him a curious look. “I mean-do you remember our first Practical? It was in the way Jinki held him when he was in pain, the way he made sure he made sure Jonghyun had a part despite the disability.” Minho paused and swung his other leg over, preparing to descend.
“Jonghyun said to me that he even if he thought he would get in the way, he was grateful that he could still help and that Jinki believed in him.”
Taemin started to climb down the other side. “Jinki-hyung said everyone had to have a part.”
“But you didn’t hear anyone else complaining, did you?” Minho asked smartly. “Jinki-hyung has a lot of faith in Jonghyun because he doesn’t have the same faith in himself. And Jonghyun will listen to Jinki because he believes that Jinki knows what he’s doing, even if it might sound ridiculous.”
“Oh,” Taemin said dumbly, his arms aching. “You really do pay attention.”
Minho threw him a grin. “I pay attention to the way Kibum dotes on you.”
“You all dote on me,” Taemin said in fake-disgust.
Minho laughed. “None more so than Kibum-hyung. He is very affectionate with you.”
“He’s affectionate with everyone,” Taemin replied. Why was he getting so defensive?
Minho looked at him pointedly as he dropped off the wall. Glancing down, Taemin shrugged and released the netting, landing gracefully onto his feet.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Everything is new to me.”
Minho’s hand fell heavily onto his shoulder. “It’s okay if you do, you know,” he said.
“Hey!” Jonghyun called down to them from the top of the wall. “Slow down and give us short-legged people a chance!”
Kibum’s head peeked over the edge as he heaved himself up. “Taemin-ah, ignore him! Wait for me at the end!” Jonghyun punched him. “Ow! You jerk, what if I fell!”
Jonghyun’s reply was lost to him. Taemin smiled and gave Kibum a thumbs-up. “You can do it!” he cried, hands cupping his mouth. “I’ll wait for you, hyung!”
Minho gave him another pointed look.
“What?” Taemin murmured innocently.
“Just don’t keep him waiting,” Minho said at last. “He has a fragile heart.”
--
Taemin walked in once when Kibum was writing in his journal. It seemed immensely private, so Taemin made a big show of entering, not looking at Kibum until he was sure the older boy had hidden his journal.
But Kibum had only shut the journal and clasped his hands together as if he didn’t care.
“Hey,” Taemin said. “Did you skip lunch?”
“I wasn’t hungry,” Kibum replied, unusually quiet. “Did you eat a lot?”
“Jonghyun made sure to feed me in your place,” he joked.
“That’s good.”
Taemin bit his lip as he approached him. “Hyung, are you okay?”
“Yeah,” he said distractedly. He glanced up at Taemin. “Actually, maybe I should go down to the infirmary just in case.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No,” Kibum said, placing his journal on his pillow. He slid onto his feet. “That’s okay. I’ll see you in class, Taemin-ah.” He offered him a small smile as he left.
Taemin stared at his bed blankly. Then before he could stop himself, he picked up Kibum’s journal and flipped to the latest page. His heart froze.
I wish I had his courage. I wish I had the strength. I wish I wasn’t afraid.
I wish Taemin would pay attention.
Taemin shut it carefully and placed it reverently back onto the pillow before he moved over to his bed and lay down.
--
Jonghyun pulled him into a hug. “Happy birthday, magnae!”
Taemin smiled at him. “Thanks, hyung.”
He shoved a poorly-wrapped package into his hands. “This is from me and Jinki,” he said quickly. Jinki smiled at him nervously, wringing his hands.
Taemin looked at the present in wonder. It had been years since his last birthday gift. He peeled off the wrapping to find a thin black box within. Glancing up at them, he removed the top of the box slowly.
It was a polished switchblade with an obsidian handle. Taemin picked it up reverently and turned it around in his hands.
“We noticed yours was getting a little rusty,” Jinki said rapidly. “So we thought we’d get you a new one.”
He looked up at them and smiled softly. “Thanks, hyung-deul.”
Jinki fidgeted for a moment before throwing his arms around him for a quick hug.
“We should go. Curfew’s soon.” He tugged on Jonghyun’s arm. “See you tomorrow.” He gave Minho a pointed look as they left. “Don’t take long.”
Minho waved him off with one hand before he sat next to Taemin on his bed. Kibum watched them silently. He handed Taemin a small square package and sat back quietly.
Taemin unwrapped it carefully. It was a picture frame, and inside was the picture of him and his mother. He glanced up at Minho and then over at Kibum before he lifted his pillow to look beneath.
“Kibum took it for me,” Minho said quietly. “We thought it could use a home.”
Taemin bit his lip and stared down at his mother behind the thin glass for a moment before he threw his arms around Minho. “Thank you,” he said thickly.
Minho patted his back soothingly. “I should go,” he said quietly. “Before curfew.”
Taemin pulled away and nodded. “Thank you,” he said again.
Minho smiled and ruffled his hair as he stood up. “Happy birthday, Taemin-ah.”
He barely noticed Minho leave, too engrossed in the picture of his mother.
Kibum sat down on his bed and slowly pried the picture frame away from Taemin, setting it on his pillow. “Close your eyes,” he demanded imperiously.
Taemin looked at him crossly before he obeyed. He felt Kibum pick up his hand. There was a soft click and then a light weight on his wrist.
“You can open your eyes now,” Kibum told him.
Taemin obeyed. There was a plain silver bracelet with a small charm of a sun wrapped around his wrist. There was a similar bracelet around Kibum’s wrist with a charm of the moon. He glanced up at Kibum.
“It’s a family tradition,” Kibum explained. “Everyone in the family has the moon to symbolize darkness, and then-” He paused and grabbed Taemin’s wrist, looking down so that his hair obscured his face. “And when we find our light, we give away the one with the sun to symbolize our love.”
Taemin looked down at their hands and then back up to Kibum’s hidden face. He wrapped his arms around Kibum and held him close. “I like you too, hyung.”
Kibum lifted his arms slowly and hugged him back, burying his face in Taemin’s shoulder. “I-I liked you when I first saw you, you know. You looked so lost and innocent, and I just wanted to hold you and never let you go.”
Taemin squeezed him but didn’t say anything.
“Just-” He pulled away and looked at him. “Just keep me.”
Taemin nodded slowly.
Kibum smiled softly before he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Taemin’s lips. “Happy Birthday, magnae.”
--
“I don’t know much about the Empire,” Taemin said one night as Kibum sat on his bed and read a book.
“What are you talking about?” Kibum mumbled. “You have history books.”
“I know there’s more to it,” Taemin insisted. “And you know. I know you know.”
“And how would you know anything about what I know?” Kibum said off-handedly.
Taemin shot for outright flattery. “You know lots of things,” he said coyly. “You always have stories.”
Kibum nodded thoughtfully at his book, tossed Taemin a glance and then folded the upper right hand corner of his page before setting the book down.
“The history books don’t say this, of course,” Kibum began, “but the Empire is a tyranny. It’s so subtle that barely anyone even knows we’re oppressed.”
“Then how do you know?” Taemin asked, trying not to sound like he was accusing him.
“The story’s been passed down in my family for ages,” Kibum declared, almost proudly, his hand curled around the cross Taemin knew was hanging from his neck, next to his dog tags. “It’s not like we could write it down. This may be the 25th century, but we’ve hardly progressed in terms of oppression. The Empire is no different from the Roman Catholic Church nearly a millennium ago, burning science down by the book in order to keep their power alive. The Empire doesn’t need anyone knowing the truth and rebelling, you know?”
Taemin thought briefly of his mother, set afire in her own sanctuary. Hoodlums, they said, had killed his mother. How ironic.
Kibum continued, “Did you know Earth was destroyed over three hundred years ago?”
Taemin looked up, startled. “But we live on Earth. How is that possible?”
Kibum laughed, and Taemin would have almost felt embarrassed had it not been for Kibum’s knowing smile.
“Earth was destroyed the year 2063,” Kibum said. “By our own kind. We were greedy. We wanted money and power and immaterial possessions. We could not see that we were destroying our own home. It was always war and destruction and pain. Even now, we are much the same way. We travel from planet to planet, destroying everything in our path in the name of conquest.” Kibum looked almost excited to have a willing audience.
“The Empire rose from the United Nations, a union between the powerhouses of the world. And while Earth was on the brink on destruction, they saved the best and the brightest of their countries, and they flew them out into space, where they inhabited a planet they called Elysium.” He snorted. “As if this were heaven.”
Taemin agreed. He couldn’t believe he’d lived-barely survived-on the streets of a planet called Elysium, of all things.
“And they told their people that this was Earth now,” Kibum continued, pointing down, “and that they couldn’t look back into the past when their future was so bright ahead of them. So people forgot.” Kibum leaned heavily against the wall and eyed Taemin coolly.
“And then their original thirty-something leaders dwindled down to twenty-something and ten-something, and then suddenly they weren’t being elected anymore, but their sons were taking their places, and the democracy that they had created wasn’t a democracy anymore, but an oligarchy. And then-well, you know the rest, don’t you?”
Taemin nodded. “March 17, 2239,” Taemin recited mechanically. He’d memorized these words, the first words he had read in his textbook. “The day that Jung Il Sung came to power and assumed the “throne” of the Empire, creating a shining new future for the human race.”
Kibum smiled, but it was empty around the edges. “That’s right. A throne. Though we had been free people only two centuries before. But the people cheered, and they accepted their new leader with open arms. And since then, we have never had an emperor that was not named Jung, and we have forgotten even more who we once were.”
Taemin exhaled heavily. “I understand,” he said, trying to convey what he really meant to Kibum, that he believed him.
“Heavy words,” a voice said from the doorway, and they both swiveled their heads around to find Jinki, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed.
“Honest words,” Kibum retorted.
“If that’s what you believe,” Jinki said and pushed himself to his feet. His face was oddly serious, blank of his usual smile. “If you hold hostile feelings for the Empire, you should get out while you can,” he said. “Treason is punishable by death.”
“I wouldn’t be here if I held ‘hostile feelings’ for the Empire,” Kibum hissed, though Taemin could tell it lacked real fire. “Did you need something, Onew?”
Jinki looked at him blankly. “I came to share the good news,” he said, then offered a goofy smile as if the past minute had not occurred. “Command’s just sent word. We’re going up.”
There was a heavy pause. Taemin turned to meet Kibum’s eyes.
“Up,” Kibum repeated flatly. Taemin heard the hitch in his breath. “We’re going into space.”
Jinki’s smile widened. “Only two squads were promoted this quarter,” he said almost breathlessly. “The ship’s docking tomorrow morning at 0800 hours.”
“Space,” Kibum repeated.
Taemin beamed and launched himself onto Kibum’s bed. “We did it!”
Kibum’s arms wrapped around him, and he laughed into Taemin’s shoulder. “Y-yeah.”
It was almost gratifying for Taemin to know he had come this far. Not too long ago, he’d been a poor boy on the streets, barely getting by. Now, he was going into space.
--
“I’ll tell you something, Taemin-ah,” Kibum whispered from his bed that night. “I’ve always wondered if those stories were true. You know, about the Empire? And I always thought, if we were oppressed like that, why didn’t anyone do anything about it? It wasn’t until I met you that I understood.”
“Me?” Taemin asked quietly.
There was a shuffling noise, and then his bed shifted under Kibum’s weight. Taemin rolled over and looked up at the older boy, though the dark made it hard to see him.
“All that stuff-it doesn’t matter when you’re happy,” Kibum said quietly, fingers trailing through Taemin’s hair adoringly. “You’re so happy just being here. I mean, you-you always take everything in stride, and you appreciate everything you’re given. I admire that, you know.” There was a long pause, and Kibum added almost inaudibly, “I envy you sometimes, for your strength and your courage.”
Taemin swallowed nervously. “M-me? But I’m not that great,” he argued.
Taemin could feel Kibum smile above him. “Don’t be modest,” he scolded fondly. “I’m being serious here.”
“I don’t think you should be envious of me,” Taemin said quietly, “when you’re pretty great yourself.”
Kibum laughed. “You’re too nice to me, dongsaeng.” There was a pause while Kibum’s hands continued to brush through Taemin’s hair.
“You must be uncomfortable,” Taemin said softly.
“Not at all,” Kibum said.
Taemin shifted in his bed and lifted up his covers. Kibum smiled as he climbed in, curling into Taemin’s body awkwardly on his twin-sized bed. They pressed their foreheads together.
“So, space,” Kibum said nonchalantly.
Taemin laughed quietly. “I know you’re excited,” he said.
“Ecstatic,” Kibum breathed, and Taemin could feel it in the fingers that rested on his arm.
“What do you think it’s like?” Taemin wondered aloud.
“Amazing,” Kibum said immediately. “My uncle was a pilot back in his day too, you know. He used to tell me all these stories about space. It’s just darkness, you know? Like right now.”
Taemin nodded. “Night,” he responded quietly.
“Like a blanket,” Kibum whispered back. “And there’s power beneath your fingertips, like the energy of a sun.”
There was silence for a long time. Taemin shifted and wondered if Kibum was asleep.
“Kibum-hyung?” he whispered. “Are you awake?”
No answer. Taemin shifted closer, resting his hand on Kibum’s hip.
“I’m glad I met you,” Taemin continued quietly. “Even if you’re a little eccentric at times.” He closed his eyes and relaxed into his pillow.
After a second, there was soft pressure against his lips.
“I’m glad I met you too,” Kibum whispered against his lips.
Taemin smiled.
“Is this okay?” Kibum breathed.
“Yeah,” Taemin said.
The pressure shifted, and Kibum’s lips completely covered his. His fingers tightened on Taemin’s arm as he slid his body closer.
It was a curious feeling for Taemin, who had never kissed anyone like this before. He’d seen it happen a few times, discreetly between two cadets or instructors. His mind flew back to the time he’d seen Jinki and Jonghyun tangled together, an unlikely pair.
Kibum tilted his head and fell into their kiss, dipping his tongue out to tentatively caress Taemin’s lips. Taemin parted his lips and met Kibum halfway, awkwardly tangling their tongues together. His hand slid up to cup Kibum’s face.
“S-sorry,” Taemin said against his mouth. “I’ve never-”
Kibum laughed quietly. “S’okay,” he assured, pulling away. “There’s plenty of time for practice.”
Taemin flushed pleasantly.
“We should sleep,” Kibum said reluctantly. “It’s a big day tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Taemin whispered. His body tensed as he waited for Kibum to slip out and back to his own bed. Instead, the older boy slid closer, tucking an arm around Taemin’s waist and his head into Taemin’s collar.
Taemin shifted closer, shutting his eyes with a smile. “Night, hyung.”
Kibum squeezed his waist in response, smile curving against Taemin’s skin.
He had never felt so warm.
--
“Enemy ship on your 5, Captain,” Taemin called into his headset, fingers curled naturally over his controls.
Jinki spiraled left quickly, leaving Taemin enough room to take out the enemy with two quick pulls on his trigger.
Jinki’s voice rang out over the comm. link, “Nice work, Magnae.” There was a pause and then, “Key, take out their life support.”
“Roger that, captain,” Kibum’s voice responded promptly, and Taemin watched Kibum’s ship dive out of formation and spiral neatly below the enemy transport.
“Chameleon,” Jinki continued, “head in our 10 and take out their comm. tower before they summon reinforcements.”
“Roger that,” called Minho’s deep voice before he shot off toward the transport.
“We should really get him a new codename,” Taemin joked as he shot down two incoming enemy ships.
“How about ‘flaming charisma?’” Jonghyun’s voice teased back.
Taemin laughed. “Sounds perfect.”
Jinki’s voice was amused as he called out over the comm. link, “Eyes on the prize, boys.”
Jonghyun cried out suddenly, alarmed. “Incoming on our 6, captain.” Sure enough, there was a blob of enemy ships approaching on Taemin’s radar.
“No sudden movements,” Jinki ordered. “On my order.”
From the tense silence, Taemin could tell Jonghyun was itching to say something.
“Comm. tower down, Captain,” Minho called a moment later.
Taemin glanced up from his radar sharply, just in time to watch the tower collapsing on the transport.
Jinki’s voice sounded exasperated as he said, “Bling, Magnae, take ‘em out.”
Jonghyun sounded excited as he called back, “Roger that, Captain,” and did a quick 180.
Taemin dived sharply and spun, already tugging on his triggers as he pulled back up. He could see about ten of them advancing head-on and three more on his right. Jinki shot them down quickly.
There were four sharp pulls on his trigger as he swayed back and forth. Minho’s ship pulled up on his left.
“Life support down,” Kibum’s voice called suddenly.
“Took you long enough,” Jonghyun teased, and Taemin saw two ships fall to his fire.
“You try taking out their life support with four fighters on your ass,” Kibum bit back.
“I’m sure it was glorious,” Jonghyun called.
“Oh, it was,” Kibum said.
The last fighters fell.
“Captain?” Taemin called.
“Loop back around,” Jinki ordered. “Take out any stragglers. Engage before engaged. Bling, follow me.”
“Roger that,” they called simultaneously and turned around.
As Jinki dived out of formation, Jonghyun close on his tail, a volley of fire came from the enemy transport.
“Key!” Taemin called as he and Minho spun to avoid it.
“Approaching on your 10, Magnae,” Key’s voice assured. “Transport’s gearing up their firepower. Stay low.”
“Use evasive tactics,” Jinki’s voice reaffirmed. “This is the last wave.”
Kibum shot past him on his left before looping around and joining them. The last of the enemy fighters advanced from the transport, reckless in their desperation.
“Stay firm,” Minho said quietly.
“Let’s take them down, guys,” Kibum cried.
Taemin pulled on his triggers harshly, raking down the enemy line before they could fire. Kibum made a pleased sound into his headset as he joined him.
“Engines are down,” Jinki called. “Bling?”
There was silence.
“Is he-?” Kibum started.
“Back-up engines down, Captain,” Jonghyun’s voice called. “Your lack of faith disturbs me, Key.”
Kibum laughed as he shot down the enemy.
Taemin’s controls locked suddenly, and his screen went dark. He made a disappointed noise.
He heard similar reactions from his squad.
“Mission success,” a monotone voice called through their comm. links. There was a hissing noise and then light pierced the darkness as his simulation unit opened.
Taemin stretched his legs and climbed out.
Jonghyun promptly tackled him into a hug and ruffled his hair affectionately. “You were so good, Magnae!”
Taemin batted at his hand. “I guess you were okay.”
Jonghyun frowned and squeezed him harder. “What are you talking about,” he deadpanned. “I was amazing.”
Kibum pried his hands away from Taemin. “Stop smothering him,” he chided before promptly wrapping his arms around Taemin. Taemin smiled as he returned the embrace.
“Stop smothering him!” Jonghyun mocked in a high-pitched voice as he threw an arm around Minho’s neck, tugging him down to his height. Minho pinched Jonghyun’s hip until he released him.
Jinki appeared on Jonghyun’s other side, arm curving naturally around Jonghyun’s thin waist. He smiled goofily and declared, “Lunch on me!”
“Hyung,” Taemin said incredulously, muffled with his face tucked into Kibum’s neck. “We don’t have to pay for lunch.”
Jonghyun snickered.
“It’s the thought that counts,” Jinki defended, and his words seemed to echo across Taemin’s memory.
“Okay,” Taemin relented. “But only if you get me those little cookie things.”
“Don’t sell your soul to Jinki, Taemin-ah!” Jonghyun cried. “I’ll get you your cookies for free!”
“Hey!” Jinki protested. “I’m not trying to buy his soul!”
Jonghyun threw an arm around his neck too, tugging him away from them with a loud tirade on taking advantage of innocents. Minho tossed Taemin a smile over Kibum’s shoulder, walking backwards.
“Don’t take too long,” he warned good-naturedly. “Or Jonghyun will eat all your cookies, Taemin-ah.”
“You better not let him!” Taemin shrieked, standing on his tip-toes to peek over Kibum’s shoulder. “I mean it!” he called as Minho just grinned, waved his arm and walked away.
“I’ll get you more cookies,” Kibum promised, smiling against Taemin’s shoulder.
“Yah, hyung, I can’t breathe,” he said, only half-joking.
Kibum pulled away slowly. “Sorry, I’m just happy.”
Taemin smiled softly. “Yeah, I know.”
Kibum slid his hand around the back of Taemin’s neck and tugged him into a kiss. Taemin responded enthusiastically, albeit somewhat messily, sliding his palm to cup Kibum’s cheek. He tilted his head into it and smiled.
The older boy bit his lip playfully. “Look what I’ve created,” he joked.
Taemin grinned and grabbed Kibum’s hand, twining their fingers together and swinging their arms. Their bracelets jingled as they bounced against each other.
“You owe me cookies then,” he declared, tugging Kibum away from the simulation units.
Kibum squeezed his hand as he leaned over and planted a wet, open-mouthed kiss on Taemin’s cheek. “Can I trade cookies for more kisses?” he asked.
“I’ll consider it,” Taemin said gravely, swinging their arms as they walked.
“Something tells me you’ve already decided,” Kibum flirted easily.
Taemin grinned at him. “Something tells me you know my answer.”
Kibum stopped him in the hallway, pushing him against the wall and capturing Taemin’s lips again. He parted his lips easily, molding against his body like sand.
It was warm and wet and comforting. It felt real, substantial. It felt like home.