for once
the sound was earshattering. blinding. the minute we crashed my whole body hurt. the glass flew everwhere and skatterd about the windshild glass like an entricare spider web. it wasnt like everyone had said... there was no slow motion. No moment when i saw my life flash before my eyes. There was no life to begin with. All I remember was blinding light and the feeling like i was paralyzed. I felt deep pains in my hip bones and i thought id broken a rib or two. When the world stopped spinning I was totally gone. That night seems so unreal. nothing changed. "if her seatbelt wasnt on she would have flew out the window".
I could have died.
and the worst part is that it only bothered me for a night.
one lousy night.
Ever feel lonely? Left behind?
If i would have died... what would i have accomplished? I feel like ive never lived. Ive never felt comfortable with myself... i never sucessful gotten through an entire converstation without regreting something i said... ive never had a meaningful relationship...
call me a loser. its true for the most part. I dont want that but everyone around me slowly change my desires.
i never feel empty until i talk to someone. about anything. its not just relationships and love. its everything. i feel un developed.
like the whole world is a bright vibrant photograph that i can never be a part of.
Im the negative.
I cant want something i never had. The brown distorted strip of film cannot envy the beautiful colourful pictures. ( in great part because a peice of fancy paper cant feel ANYTHING WHATSOEVER)
I WISH that were the case with me. I feel like a hypocrite... a bloody hypocrite! everyday i try to act like this whole thing doesnt bother me. Everytime i find myself envying someone.
everytime i overthink a situation and stress about the outcome.
what does it all mean?
lose a friend, gain a friend. waste money, make more.
get in a car accident, be grateful of your life.
everything replaces itself. your brain forgets things that it shouldnt.
the run of the mill corpse in the funeral home for instance.
loving mother, wife, and sister.
eyes sewn shut. blood drained.
tears shed.
for a time.
buried in the ground. "shes going to a better place"
its like a switch is turned off. theres a time to mourn and a time to " move on"
forgive and fucking forget.
how lovely.
and everyone does it soooo well. your concious brain tells you its all OK. Gets you through the days with ease. Uses people to take your mind off the real issues. Pleasures itself in all the fucking pointless things a body can feel.
sex. drugs. alcohol. nicotine. caffine. laughter. "happiness"
at the end of the night, some lucky people can sleep without the persistant nagging of something they dont even conciously know is there.
theres always a disposition.
that person who ruined your life. victimized you. killed your mother. traumatized your child.
molested you
subconciously your brain doesnt forget.
that nagging voice, pain, etc. is the brain learning.
learning not to be so trusting.
if you listen long enough... it will destroy you.
eats you from the inside out.
thats where depression and social disorders set in.
your upset and you want answers. WHY? WHY WHY?
why me... im a good person.
we're all "good" people at one time.
life changes us.
some can resist the urge to explore the inner santum that is
the fucked up memories of the past.
us analytical types dig and dig until we hit the bone.
only to find out we should have just left everything alone.
let ourselves heal.
It consumes you.
its like being sucked into some sick alternate reality that you can never escape.
you create your own explanations until finally ...
none of it makes any sense.
then your just back where you started. lost. confused.
only this time your determined and well aware...
aware that your sheild is down.
that every insult. ridicule. fear. humiliation.
it will hit you hard.
real hard.
right to the bitter core.
i cant tell you where this is coming from.
but if i can take comfort in something its that our expeiriences are never fully forgotten.
people who impact us are still there.
the pain and the ache of loss is still there.
we arent careless selfish people.
we just protect ourselves... so we can live.
otherwise, everyone would be fucking jumping off buildings and hangin themselves by their backyard trees.
its not the case.
we get in the car. go to work. go to the party.
get wasted.
get laid.
and live.
I could have died.
and the worst part is that it only bothered me for a night.
one lousy night.
Ever feel lonely? Left behind?
If i would have died... what would i have accomplished? I feel like ive never lived. Ive never felt comfortable with myself... i never sucessful gotten through an entire converstation without regreting something i said... ive never had a meaningful relationship...
call me a loser. its true for the most part. I dont want that but everyone around me slowly change my desires.
i never feel empty until i talk to someone. about anything. its not just relationships and love. its everything. i feel un developed.
like the whole world is a bright vibrant photograph that i can never be a part of.
Im the negative.
I cant want something i never had. The brown distorted strip of film cannot envy the beautiful colourful pictures. ( in great part because a peice of fancy paper cant feel ANYTHING WHATSOEVER)
I WISH that were the case with me. I feel like a hypocrite... a bloody hypocrite! everyday i try to act like this whole thing doesnt bother me. Everytime i find myself envying someone.
everytime i overthink a situation and stress about the outcome.
what does it all mean?
lose a friend, gain a friend. waste money, make more.
get in a car accident, be grateful of your life.
everything replaces itself. your brain forgets things that it shouldnt.
the run of the mill corpse in the funeral home for instance.
loving mother, wife, and sister.
eyes sewn shut. blood drained.
tears shed.
for a time.
buried in the ground. "shes going to a better place"
its like a switch is turned off. theres a time to mourn and a time to " move on"
forgive and fucking forget.
how lovely.
and everyone does it soooo well. your concious brain tells you its all OK. Gets you through the days with ease. Uses people to take your mind off the real issues. Pleasures itself in all the fucking pointless things a body can feel.
sex. drugs. alcohol. nicotine. caffine. laughter. "happiness"
at the end of the night, some lucky people can sleep without the persistant nagging of something they dont even conciously know is there.
theres always a disposition.
that person who ruined your life. victimized you. killed your mother. traumatized your child.
molested you
subconciously your brain doesnt forget.
that nagging voice, pain, etc. is the brain learning.
learning not to be so trusting.
if you listen long enough... it will destroy you.
eats you from the inside out.
thats where depression and social disorders set in.
your upset and you want answers. WHY? WHY WHY?
why me... im a good person.
we're all "good" people at one time.
life changes us.
some can resist the urge to explore the inner santum that is
the fucked up memories of the past.
us analytical types dig and dig until we hit the bone.
only to find out we should have just left everything alone.
let ourselves heal.
It consumes you.
its like being sucked into some sick alternate reality that you can never escape.
you create your own explanations until finally ...
none of it makes any sense.
then your just back where you started. lost. confused.
only this time your determined and well aware...
aware that your sheild is down.
that every insult. ridicule. fear. humiliation.
it will hit you hard.
real hard.
right to the bitter core.
i cant tell you where this is coming from.
but if i can take comfort in something its that our expeiriences are never fully forgotten.
people who impact us are still there.
the pain and the ache of loss is still there.
we arent careless selfish people.
we just protect ourselves... so we can live.
otherwise, everyone would be fucking jumping off buildings and hangin themselves by their backyard trees.
its not the case.
we get in the car. go to work. go to the party.
get wasted.
get laid.
and live.