.................
It's hard. So. Fucking. Hard.
And it only makes it harder that I was not the one who wanted to break up in the first place. I really did not want to until all of the personality issues starting becoming a problem. I mean I tried. I changed many things - not all were major - but I changed a LOT to try and make things right for this relationship. I was the one trying to fix things after we broke up both times. Remember the first time? I came back to you. Even after I thought you were being the biggest asshole for saying, "Oh well...you are going to have to come back to me when you put your priorities in order blah blah blah." And no, I did not come back to you because I came to my senses, I came back because I loved you and I wanted to get us to work. Because I cared. Did you care at that point? I'm not sure you did. But it was ME who came back. ME who tried to make things right.
And the second time, I know I'm the one that ended it. I was feeling really down about everything. Do you know why? Because no matter what I did, I always thought that you were judging me, that you had some problem with what I was doing and it was making me feel like shit. And do you know why I came back AGAIN? Again, it's because I loved you and I thought that for once, YOU would change SOMETHING. Maybe for once you would begin to accept the person you 'loved' for everything that they were rather than love 'certain aspects' of that person. You know how much that hurts? Knowing that the very person who you loved and who loves you can't accept everything about your personality? What did you fall in love with?!
And this third time was mutual, which made things a lot easier, and a lot better for me. I would not be able to live without you. I know this. That's why I am glad we are still friends. VERY glad, in fact. And it was hard to do it this time as well, to break up. That's why I left the final decision up to you. I made you the one to do it because in the end it WAS mostly your fault. You were always the one with the issues with my personality, and that was effecting our relationship obviously. I accepted everything about you; sure you have your flaws, just like every person and every relationship, but it was nothing major that I would CHANGE about you. So in the end, since you were the one with all of the problems, you had to be the one to decide what to do about it. That's why I left it up to you.
And now you threaten to ruin everything. Any closure I was feeling, any relief that it was easier in the end, is now gone. Why did you have to hint/tell me that you really want things to work out? You basically told me that you wanted to get together again. You know how much harder that makes things for me? I never wanted to break up until you started having issues with my personality, and now with you saying, "Well...I always figure out what an asshole I am when it's too late." and "I was too stubborn to see everything." Even during the relationship, I told you all of these things. Why didn't you try to fix all of it then? I told you and you didn't listen. If you would have LISTENED to me for ONCE in your life, maybe all of this wouldn't be happening.
But it isn't my fault, and you are only making it worse for me and making ME feel guilty about it all by hinting that you still want to be together. I think you are just sad and lonely right now, like I am, and you miss me. That's normal. I miss you too. But I think the decision we made together was the right one. At least for now. Maybe sometime in the far future we'll try things again. But you never even believed we'd make it if I moved to UNT, so wasn't it better to just end it now and wait until after college maybe? I mean, I was more optimistic about things, thinking our relationship was stronger than that, but I was apparently the only person who saw that. And I was wrong. If I am sometimes a "little too much" for you then there is a problem. For both of us.
I love you so much. And I wish things could have turned out differently, but I can't be your part-time girlfriend. I can't keep going through breakup after breakup only to come around to the same issues that we weren't able to fix before. If you can't stand aspects of my personality now, then you probably won't ever. It's not a healthy relationship.
I wish things could have been different. I love you.
Goodbye.
And it only makes it harder that I was not the one who wanted to break up in the first place. I really did not want to until all of the personality issues starting becoming a problem. I mean I tried. I changed many things - not all were major - but I changed a LOT to try and make things right for this relationship. I was the one trying to fix things after we broke up both times. Remember the first time? I came back to you. Even after I thought you were being the biggest asshole for saying, "Oh well...you are going to have to come back to me when you put your priorities in order blah blah blah." And no, I did not come back to you because I came to my senses, I came back because I loved you and I wanted to get us to work. Because I cared. Did you care at that point? I'm not sure you did. But it was ME who came back. ME who tried to make things right.
And the second time, I know I'm the one that ended it. I was feeling really down about everything. Do you know why? Because no matter what I did, I always thought that you were judging me, that you had some problem with what I was doing and it was making me feel like shit. And do you know why I came back AGAIN? Again, it's because I loved you and I thought that for once, YOU would change SOMETHING. Maybe for once you would begin to accept the person you 'loved' for everything that they were rather than love 'certain aspects' of that person. You know how much that hurts? Knowing that the very person who you loved and who loves you can't accept everything about your personality? What did you fall in love with?!
And this third time was mutual, which made things a lot easier, and a lot better for me. I would not be able to live without you. I know this. That's why I am glad we are still friends. VERY glad, in fact. And it was hard to do it this time as well, to break up. That's why I left the final decision up to you. I made you the one to do it because in the end it WAS mostly your fault. You were always the one with the issues with my personality, and that was effecting our relationship obviously. I accepted everything about you; sure you have your flaws, just like every person and every relationship, but it was nothing major that I would CHANGE about you. So in the end, since you were the one with all of the problems, you had to be the one to decide what to do about it. That's why I left it up to you.
And now you threaten to ruin everything. Any closure I was feeling, any relief that it was easier in the end, is now gone. Why did you have to hint/tell me that you really want things to work out? You basically told me that you wanted to get together again. You know how much harder that makes things for me? I never wanted to break up until you started having issues with my personality, and now with you saying, "Well...I always figure out what an asshole I am when it's too late." and "I was too stubborn to see everything." Even during the relationship, I told you all of these things. Why didn't you try to fix all of it then? I told you and you didn't listen. If you would have LISTENED to me for ONCE in your life, maybe all of this wouldn't be happening.
But it isn't my fault, and you are only making it worse for me and making ME feel guilty about it all by hinting that you still want to be together. I think you are just sad and lonely right now, like I am, and you miss me. That's normal. I miss you too. But I think the decision we made together was the right one. At least for now. Maybe sometime in the far future we'll try things again. But you never even believed we'd make it if I moved to UNT, so wasn't it better to just end it now and wait until after college maybe? I mean, I was more optimistic about things, thinking our relationship was stronger than that, but I was apparently the only person who saw that. And I was wrong. If I am sometimes a "little too much" for you then there is a problem. For both of us.
I love you so much. And I wish things could have turned out differently, but I can't be your part-time girlfriend. I can't keep going through breakup after breakup only to come around to the same issues that we weren't able to fix before. If you can't stand aspects of my personality now, then you probably won't ever. It's not a healthy relationship.
I wish things could have been different. I love you.
Goodbye.