Just so there's no more confusion about my name
Ever since my days at the playground in pre-school the adjective weird was best used to describe me. For a good while I always felt insulted by this and understandably too. Weird has negative connotations associated with it. Being weird means you're different, but not in that cool edgy alternative way. When you're weird people are confused about why you do things the way you do. For me being weird is the result of having bizarre life events conspire against me before I was even born. Whether they be physical deformities or a ridiculous family history I believe that if others experience what I have they wouldn't act too differently from the way I do now.
As insurance to my inevitable future as a weirdo, fate started before I was even born, my lineage. I'm a male Puerto Rican and my name is Kim Mc Dougall. My great, great, great, greatly over-sexed grandfather, Shamus Mc Dougall IV, was totally loaded and known as a "lady pleaser" in his homeland of Scotland. During that time period there was a small surge of European tourism to the Caribbean islands, Puerto Rico being one those islands. It was there that Shamus the great met Consuela, my equally great of a whore, grandmother. Consuela was not actually Puerto Rican, she was from Spain enjoying the same pleasures Shamus was. Like one of those cheap love novels the affluent gentleman Shamus met the homely well kept Consuela and they (probably) had lots of raunchy sex on the beach. Six months and hundreds of fat jokes later, Consuela had realized she was pregnant. Shamus left Puerto Rico before the baby was even born. It was absolutely unacceptable for him to father a child to a mom he wasn't married to, it just wasn't high class. Unfortunately Consuela fell gravely ill during her pregnancy and died while giving birth. She left the baby behind to be raised by the locals, but as a final act of revenge when asked what the babies' last name was she whispered, "Mc Dougall."
Now if we fast-forward a hundred years we meet my parents in Puerto Rico. My mom and dad were polar opposites. Luis was a stern, healthy, rigid man. Carmen was a chain-smoking loud mouth girl who loved playing pranks. The two were next door neighbors, but rarely saw each other until Carmen went a little too far with one of her pranks. Carmen had taken the mugs from the teachers room, sprayed phenyl-ethylene (a ph indicator and subsequently a laxative) in them, and covered all the toilets in the school with saran wrap. Luis got involved because Carmen had told him she had found the mugs outside the cafeteria and needed his help to bring them back, now making him an accessory. After the principal found out from eyewitnesses who it was and school committee ripped them a new one Carmen and Luis were suspended from school for one month. As an added punishment, Luis' father made him take up night classes of Tae Kwon Do to ad structure to his life, where he met his teacher Master Kim. With nobody else to hang out with during the day, Carmen and Luis spent a lot of time together eventually becoming friends, lovers, and then (probably) had lots of raunchy sex. Shortly after I was conceived Master Kim died and my father decided to name after his former teacher.
My mom was carrying me to term like any seemingly normal child when 3 weeks before I was born our family got a phone call. Two years after my mom had pulled laxative prank a teacher, Ms. Ramirez, finally decided to press charges. Her case was based on emotional humiliation as the result of public defecation. My father was in Florida for a business meeting at the time so my mom had to go to the court hearing herself. The judge dismissed the case as ludicrous and slightly amusing. Outside the courthouse my mom was wobbling home when Ramirez decided she had some final words for my mom. As soon as the words, "you bitch" spilled out of Ramirez my mom went into labor. In a fluster of panic and irony Ramirez ran to her car drove it around and brought my mom to the hospital. There she filled out all of the necessary paperwork to check in my mom and wished her well. It was in the waiting room that my mom told Ramirez she would be my godmother, as thanks for driving her to the hospital. My birth was routine like any seemingly normal child until they pulled me out to reveal healthy a baby boy. I was a healthy baby boy with six toes.
No, I'm not Scottish. Yes, both of my parents are from Puerto Rico. No, I'm not Asian. No, I didn't keep my sixth toe. No, Kim is not short for anything. Just a few of several answers I've had to repeat over the years. Having all these bizarre life events happen to me before I was even born truly feels like a conspiracy to have made me weird. I doubt most people can have a relatively similar history and still be considered normal. Despite this being weird is part of my personality and although it can be a little annoying with maturity I think I can learn to appreciate it. Retrospectively if I were to get rid of the conspiracies of the past then I wouldn't exist and well, that would just be weird.
As insurance to my inevitable future as a weirdo, fate started before I was even born, my lineage. I'm a male Puerto Rican and my name is Kim Mc Dougall. My great, great, great, greatly over-sexed grandfather, Shamus Mc Dougall IV, was totally loaded and known as a "lady pleaser" in his homeland of Scotland. During that time period there was a small surge of European tourism to the Caribbean islands, Puerto Rico being one those islands. It was there that Shamus the great met Consuela, my equally great of a whore, grandmother. Consuela was not actually Puerto Rican, she was from Spain enjoying the same pleasures Shamus was. Like one of those cheap love novels the affluent gentleman Shamus met the homely well kept Consuela and they (probably) had lots of raunchy sex on the beach. Six months and hundreds of fat jokes later, Consuela had realized she was pregnant. Shamus left Puerto Rico before the baby was even born. It was absolutely unacceptable for him to father a child to a mom he wasn't married to, it just wasn't high class. Unfortunately Consuela fell gravely ill during her pregnancy and died while giving birth. She left the baby behind to be raised by the locals, but as a final act of revenge when asked what the babies' last name was she whispered, "Mc Dougall."
Now if we fast-forward a hundred years we meet my parents in Puerto Rico. My mom and dad were polar opposites. Luis was a stern, healthy, rigid man. Carmen was a chain-smoking loud mouth girl who loved playing pranks. The two were next door neighbors, but rarely saw each other until Carmen went a little too far with one of her pranks. Carmen had taken the mugs from the teachers room, sprayed phenyl-ethylene (a ph indicator and subsequently a laxative) in them, and covered all the toilets in the school with saran wrap. Luis got involved because Carmen had told him she had found the mugs outside the cafeteria and needed his help to bring them back, now making him an accessory. After the principal found out from eyewitnesses who it was and school committee ripped them a new one Carmen and Luis were suspended from school for one month. As an added punishment, Luis' father made him take up night classes of Tae Kwon Do to ad structure to his life, where he met his teacher Master Kim. With nobody else to hang out with during the day, Carmen and Luis spent a lot of time together eventually becoming friends, lovers, and then (probably) had lots of raunchy sex. Shortly after I was conceived Master Kim died and my father decided to name after his former teacher.
My mom was carrying me to term like any seemingly normal child when 3 weeks before I was born our family got a phone call. Two years after my mom had pulled laxative prank a teacher, Ms. Ramirez, finally decided to press charges. Her case was based on emotional humiliation as the result of public defecation. My father was in Florida for a business meeting at the time so my mom had to go to the court hearing herself. The judge dismissed the case as ludicrous and slightly amusing. Outside the courthouse my mom was wobbling home when Ramirez decided she had some final words for my mom. As soon as the words, "you bitch" spilled out of Ramirez my mom went into labor. In a fluster of panic and irony Ramirez ran to her car drove it around and brought my mom to the hospital. There she filled out all of the necessary paperwork to check in my mom and wished her well. It was in the waiting room that my mom told Ramirez she would be my godmother, as thanks for driving her to the hospital. My birth was routine like any seemingly normal child until they pulled me out to reveal healthy a baby boy. I was a healthy baby boy with six toes.
No, I'm not Scottish. Yes, both of my parents are from Puerto Rico. No, I'm not Asian. No, I didn't keep my sixth toe. No, Kim is not short for anything. Just a few of several answers I've had to repeat over the years. Having all these bizarre life events happen to me before I was even born truly feels like a conspiracy to have made me weird. I doubt most people can have a relatively similar history and still be considered normal. Despite this being weird is part of my personality and although it can be a little annoying with maturity I think I can learn to appreciate it. Retrospectively if I were to get rid of the conspiracies of the past then I wouldn't exist and well, that would just be weird.