(no subject)
Lost? Whos lost? Oh right me.
Im not so much lost as i am depressed, and im not even depressed as i am lost and im not even lost as i am empty. Completely empty. I prayed for like a year to feel nothing and that is exactly how i feel. I feel nothing. I have no love in my heart and no pain in my heart. I have nothing. I think im turning to stone. "metaphore"...perhaps. is there such a thing as a stone heart. Bonus right? Not so much. I thought this was a good thing when it started and honesly it beats the pain i was in. I had more pain inside than i knew what to do with. I couldnt cry hard enough and i couldnt cut deep enough. Now i just cant cut deep enough to feel. In my life the few things i cared about that mattered most to me have been gone for a while. He hasnt called in some time nor emailed me nor anything. I cant help but wonder if it has any thing to do with the fiance. The whole me being a girl and his best friend and plus all that other stuff. I hope its not that. I hope its just that he needs time to himself or something. Okay so thats what makes me feel i suppose. I guess on the up hand there is something. Him. He always has had that affect on me. Before any thing happened even. When there were games of baseball being played by old men and when we took long walks around penndel to talk. It was always there. In those times he could make me feel complete like i didnt need any one. And i feel like that now but with that irritating need to have him around at least to talk to. What else does the world want from me?!?!?! Im not perfect i didnt say i was. I get it im the weird girl who doesent want to get married or have kids. But in that same not wanting or needing i am the girl who wants and maybe needs companionship of a good friend. Did i mention how empty i feel? Oh right... i did... and now im here. And i have ranted... Embarassingly too much.
Im not so much lost as i am depressed, and im not even depressed as i am lost and im not even lost as i am empty. Completely empty. I prayed for like a year to feel nothing and that is exactly how i feel. I feel nothing. I have no love in my heart and no pain in my heart. I have nothing. I think im turning to stone. "metaphore"...perhaps. is there such a thing as a stone heart. Bonus right? Not so much. I thought this was a good thing when it started and honesly it beats the pain i was in. I had more pain inside than i knew what to do with. I couldnt cry hard enough and i couldnt cut deep enough. Now i just cant cut deep enough to feel. In my life the few things i cared about that mattered most to me have been gone for a while. He hasnt called in some time nor emailed me nor anything. I cant help but wonder if it has any thing to do with the fiance. The whole me being a girl and his best friend and plus all that other stuff. I hope its not that. I hope its just that he needs time to himself or something. Okay so thats what makes me feel i suppose. I guess on the up hand there is something. Him. He always has had that affect on me. Before any thing happened even. When there were games of baseball being played by old men and when we took long walks around penndel to talk. It was always there. In those times he could make me feel complete like i didnt need any one. And i feel like that now but with that irritating need to have him around at least to talk to. What else does the world want from me?!?!?! Im not perfect i didnt say i was. I get it im the weird girl who doesent want to get married or have kids. But in that same not wanting or needing i am the girl who wants and maybe needs companionship of a good friend. Did i mention how empty i feel? Oh right... i did... and now im here. And i have ranted... Embarassingly too much.