Reflection
I read over the last year and a half in my journal tonight. I don't know why, but it seems I always get a little depressed in September and October. For some reason fall always seems to be the end of something... for example, it marked the end of my father's life last year.
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Reading over my journal also stirred up old emotions like jealousy, feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt, disloyalty, dishonesty, and the list could go on. Last fall was probably the most fucked up 3-4 months of my life. I wish I could delete them and forget about them although then I would never have learned from my mistakes and the hardships that were forced upon me.
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When I think about who I used to be I don't understand who that person was. I used to be so insecure and desperate. I looked for other's to make me feel better about myself when esteem needed to come from within. I clung onto things that weren't working in a desperate attempt to hold unto what was familar and simple.
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I have taken just about a year's break from love. I don't know how much, or how little I learned. I still feel very passionate about the subject of love and refuse to settle for someone. I want to be entirely and completely in love. Unfortunately, at this point in my life, I question if love can actually ever exist in the form that I seek.
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Almost a year ago:
1)I was stressing over finding a job... now I am starting my second year as a teacher, which is a wonderfully rewarding career.
2)I thought I was going to lose my brother. Because of who or what you ask... because of a fucking woman. I felt a sense of betrayal to our friendship. What happened to bro's before ho's?... Now he is living with my parents again, and we're close again.
3) Katie and I broke up... The break up was definitely the most painful I ever had. I remember contemplating my death, feeling betrayed, lied to, and overly frustrated, and to completely fill the cliche my heart was broken.... Now I'm simply hoping to find someone that is wonderful; someone to raise my family with; someone who will love me forever; and someone who knows what the most important things in life are love, trust, truth, friendship, loyalty, commitment, and honesty.
4) I dated a friend. I wasn't over Kate and it fucked the whole situation up beyond belief. Thankfully, we're still friends, but our chances of ever being anything more were probably destroyed.
5) I dated a loser. This isn't meant to be mean-spirited, but she didn't even have her GED yet. I guess I did it to make the Katie and Beth Ellen jealous. I dumped her shortly after and regret hurting her now. I shouldn't have ever gotten involved with her.
6) I spent 3-5 months being a woman hating bitter guy. I don't really admire myself for my actions during the time period, but I must admit some of the things I did to girls was done to those that deserved it. Now, I have let things go. I regret not saying some things that may have or may not have changed the past.
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Hopefully, a year from now I will read this and feel that I have changed for the better or the worse. I feel over the last year, I have grown an incredible amount. The things I went through some people do not go through in thier entire lifetime.
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I think I am going to simply leave this entry with the simple hope of a blessed future. I hope to find the one I want to share my hopes, dreams, and heart with. I hope to find someone that will hold hands with me even in old age and will still kiss and hold me even when time should have made closeness unappealing. Hopefully, a year from now I leave an entry saying I found the girl I was looking for...
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I truly am fortunate to be a teacher. The response I have received from the students I had last year is incredible. They make me feel so GOOOD inside when they get so excited to see me! It's a great feeling to know so many kids think something of me. I feel like I have done something right:)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Reading over my journal also stirred up old emotions like jealousy, feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt, disloyalty, dishonesty, and the list could go on. Last fall was probably the most fucked up 3-4 months of my life. I wish I could delete them and forget about them although then I would never have learned from my mistakes and the hardships that were forced upon me.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
When I think about who I used to be I don't understand who that person was. I used to be so insecure and desperate. I looked for other's to make me feel better about myself when esteem needed to come from within. I clung onto things that weren't working in a desperate attempt to hold unto what was familar and simple.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I have taken just about a year's break from love. I don't know how much, or how little I learned. I still feel very passionate about the subject of love and refuse to settle for someone. I want to be entirely and completely in love. Unfortunately, at this point in my life, I question if love can actually ever exist in the form that I seek.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Almost a year ago:
1)I was stressing over finding a job... now I am starting my second year as a teacher, which is a wonderfully rewarding career.
2)I thought I was going to lose my brother. Because of who or what you ask... because of a fucking woman. I felt a sense of betrayal to our friendship. What happened to bro's before ho's?... Now he is living with my parents again, and we're close again.
3) Katie and I broke up... The break up was definitely the most painful I ever had. I remember contemplating my death, feeling betrayed, lied to, and overly frustrated, and to completely fill the cliche my heart was broken.... Now I'm simply hoping to find someone that is wonderful; someone to raise my family with; someone who will love me forever; and someone who knows what the most important things in life are love, trust, truth, friendship, loyalty, commitment, and honesty.
4) I dated a friend. I wasn't over Kate and it fucked the whole situation up beyond belief. Thankfully, we're still friends, but our chances of ever being anything more were probably destroyed.
5) I dated a loser. This isn't meant to be mean-spirited, but she didn't even have her GED yet. I guess I did it to make the Katie and Beth Ellen jealous. I dumped her shortly after and regret hurting her now. I shouldn't have ever gotten involved with her.
6) I spent 3-5 months being a woman hating bitter guy. I don't really admire myself for my actions during the time period, but I must admit some of the things I did to girls was done to those that deserved it. Now, I have let things go. I regret not saying some things that may have or may not have changed the past.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Hopefully, a year from now I will read this and feel that I have changed for the better or the worse. I feel over the last year, I have grown an incredible amount. The things I went through some people do not go through in thier entire lifetime.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I think I am going to simply leave this entry with the simple hope of a blessed future. I hope to find the one I want to share my hopes, dreams, and heart with. I hope to find someone that will hold hands with me even in old age and will still kiss and hold me even when time should have made closeness unappealing. Hopefully, a year from now I leave an entry saying I found the girl I was looking for...
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I truly am fortunate to be a teacher. The response I have received from the students I had last year is incredible. They make me feel so GOOOD inside when they get so excited to see me! It's a great feeling to know so many kids think something of me. I feel like I have done something right:)