..god damn the black night

[xhellxoxkittyx]

So, I still don't feel like I like myself. It's just a feeling. I can't describe it. I was trying to tell people about it, to see if they could help, and they all said,"But I love you the way you are. Why do you want to change? You're so (insert clich word here). " I mean, if people like me now that's great. But I just don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to get sad at random, or have insanely terrible luck. This isn't me pitying myself. I don't like self pity. It's pointless. But I really am unhappy with the way I am. I know I'll say I want to change and have these huge plans to go about doing so..But I won't go through with them because I am afraid of change. I'm afraid of taking a chance at something that someone might not like..I don't know what I want to be, but I know what I don't want to be. I don't want to be them. I don't want to be the typical teenager in today's society. I don't want to be so obsessed with the way I look that I don't eat or anything. I don't want to go get so drunk on the weekends that I can't even remember what happened. I don't want to go have sex with every guy I see. I don't want to be judgmental of all who come my way. I know that everything I'm saying sounds judgemental, but it isn't. I've learned this from experience. I'm around teenagers everyday and I hear the way they talk. I don't want to be them. I don't want to be the people I hate. I don't want to be everything I hate, but I don't want to be me. So yeah, I know nobody is even going to read this. I don't know why I even bother. I really should finish my story before class starts.

Timely yours,
elle*