Relativity
I am 25-years-old and I haven't managed to stay alive this long by being a fucking ignorant moron. I know what people say about me and I'm not going to bother trying to tell anyone they're wrong. In some respects, they're not. In others, they are. But it doesn't really matter because no matter what I say, no one's going to believe differently about me unless they want to. I've been the carefree kid who laughed a lot, I've been the sullen teen maniacally waving his crutch at anyone who so much as breathed a hint of the old "shape up or ship out" line in his direction, I've been the angry young man who'd kick your ass for just calling him a fag. Somedays I still feel like all of them because I actually am still all of them. Who I was and who I am hasn't changed as much as it has evolved, but that doesn't mean I always grow in the direction that is most positive for me or the direction I most want to.
A lot of people think Orange County is a great fucking place to grow up in. In a way, that's true; I had a lot of good opportunities presented to me, I guess, but not the ones I wanted -- I had to work my ass off for the ones I wanted. A lot of people think that kids like me have less to complain about. No, I have just as many things to bitch about as anyone else does, but I just have less room to scream than others do. For some people, discontent is expected and even encouraged, but for me it's always been inconvenient. A part of that's my fault, a part of it isn't.
I'm the only person I know who is actually banned from his mom's house for Christmas.
I was sent to a Catholic school, then promptly got myself kicked out of Second Grade. I started drinking at 15, smoking just as early, getting high soon after. I was thrown out of my mom's house for my self-destructive behavior, and I lived in the laundromat I worked at. I've lived in my car for a while as well as on the bedroom floors and living room sofas of my closest friends. I've been arrested for fighting (and hurting pigeons with metal poles) and I nearly killed a man during one of these fights. I've probably nearly died myself more times this year (yes, I mean 2007) from alcohol and substance abuse than anyone you know and I'll consider myself lucky if I live to see 30. I've cheated on every one of my lovers and I'm only partially sorry. I admit I was never really interested in any of them. For all I know, I could have a couple kids out there of my own.
My band is famous for their depravity and probably more than half of even our own fans bitch about us. I myself am most likely one of if not the most despised in the band. I learned to play drums just as soon as it was certain that the constant banging wouldn't make me go deaf even if I wore headphones (10, by the way.) and I also learned to play piano and to sing. I've bounced around from band to band, usually as the drummer but I was (am) the front man for my own band which I formed with my best friend Brian Haner Jr. and some other guys we know back home. Brian and I wrote all the songs for that band and we do our own writing for our current band, yet we may never be known as anything other than really fucking good Guns 'N' Roses knock-offs.
Case in point, my life isn't perfect. I'd love for our older fans to love us again. I'd love for the magazines to stop comparing us to GNR. (I blame our front man mostly for that one.) I'd love for more people to take us seriously. I'd love to not have so many goddammed problems with my mind and my body. I'd love to be with someone I want to be with, without being afraid one day I'll lose them. I'd love to be allowed to see my family for Christmas. I'd love to just be fucking normal.
But I'm not. And I never will be.
I understand I don't live in a place where crystal meth has no negative side-effects whatsoever, and I know I have made a lot of stupid fucking mistakes in my life. I understand that some people will just never like us or respect us or take us seriously. But I'm proud of my band and what we have accomplished together. I'm grateful for the fans we do have and for the people who support us. Even the fans who gripe about us more than the people who can't stand us but still buy our damn records and still go to our damn shows and think we're amazing even if they don't tell us, even if they say, yeah, Avenged Sevenfold is just a commercialized GNR rip-off (thanks, Matt), as long as they enjoy themselves then I don't have a problem with the fact that they don't openly worship the ground we walk on. I'm grateful for the four people who have somehow been able to put up with me for as long as I've been in their lives -- for my midget of a bassist, for my rhythm guitarist, my front man, and last but not least, for my all-sarcasm-and-a-gun (literally) lead guitarist. How many people have a man with an entire fucking sleeve of tattoos commemorating memories you made together when you were kids?
And maybe you don't give a shit about any of this. But I do. And that's fucking good enough for me.
A lot of people think Orange County is a great fucking place to grow up in. In a way, that's true; I had a lot of good opportunities presented to me, I guess, but not the ones I wanted -- I had to work my ass off for the ones I wanted. A lot of people think that kids like me have less to complain about. No, I have just as many things to bitch about as anyone else does, but I just have less room to scream than others do. For some people, discontent is expected and even encouraged, but for me it's always been inconvenient. A part of that's my fault, a part of it isn't.
I'm the only person I know who is actually banned from his mom's house for Christmas.
I was sent to a Catholic school, then promptly got myself kicked out of Second Grade. I started drinking at 15, smoking just as early, getting high soon after. I was thrown out of my mom's house for my self-destructive behavior, and I lived in the laundromat I worked at. I've lived in my car for a while as well as on the bedroom floors and living room sofas of my closest friends. I've been arrested for fighting (and hurting pigeons with metal poles) and I nearly killed a man during one of these fights. I've probably nearly died myself more times this year (yes, I mean 2007) from alcohol and substance abuse than anyone you know and I'll consider myself lucky if I live to see 30. I've cheated on every one of my lovers and I'm only partially sorry. I admit I was never really interested in any of them. For all I know, I could have a couple kids out there of my own.
My band is famous for their depravity and probably more than half of even our own fans bitch about us. I myself am most likely one of if not the most despised in the band. I learned to play drums just as soon as it was certain that the constant banging wouldn't make me go deaf even if I wore headphones (10, by the way.) and I also learned to play piano and to sing. I've bounced around from band to band, usually as the drummer but I was (am) the front man for my own band which I formed with my best friend Brian Haner Jr. and some other guys we know back home. Brian and I wrote all the songs for that band and we do our own writing for our current band, yet we may never be known as anything other than really fucking good Guns 'N' Roses knock-offs.
Case in point, my life isn't perfect. I'd love for our older fans to love us again. I'd love for the magazines to stop comparing us to GNR. (I blame our front man mostly for that one.) I'd love for more people to take us seriously. I'd love to not have so many goddammed problems with my mind and my body. I'd love to be with someone I want to be with, without being afraid one day I'll lose them. I'd love to be allowed to see my family for Christmas. I'd love to just be fucking normal.
But I'm not. And I never will be.
I understand I don't live in a place where crystal meth has no negative side-effects whatsoever, and I know I have made a lot of stupid fucking mistakes in my life. I understand that some people will just never like us or respect us or take us seriously. But I'm proud of my band and what we have accomplished together. I'm grateful for the fans we do have and for the people who support us. Even the fans who gripe about us more than the people who can't stand us but still buy our damn records and still go to our damn shows and think we're amazing even if they don't tell us, even if they say, yeah, Avenged Sevenfold is just a commercialized GNR rip-off (thanks, Matt), as long as they enjoy themselves then I don't have a problem with the fact that they don't openly worship the ground we walk on. I'm grateful for the four people who have somehow been able to put up with me for as long as I've been in their lives -- for my midget of a bassist, for my rhythm guitarist, my front man, and last but not least, for my all-sarcasm-and-a-gun (literally) lead guitarist. How many people have a man with an entire fucking sleeve of tattoos commemorating memories you made together when you were kids?
And maybe you don't give a shit about any of this. But I do. And that's fucking good enough for me.