(no subject)
today was the day... my tete nice left... well im not sure if she left already but that's besides the point... she's moving... to michigan... the last person i truly cared for and talked to in my family... once again left... everyone leaves... why am i always so hopeful?... what's so wrong with me that i'm not worth staying with?... i always have too many questions... and they are always left unanswered... what am i supposed to do for support?... go to my parents?... i think not... and while i sat in the car crying... they asked why is it when you leave us you don't cry like that?... in my mind all i could think was... well isn't it obvious??... i care for her more than i care for you... she listens, you don't... she's there for me, you're not... she knows me, you don't... but i kept my silence... as always... the small one (kayla) made it even worse... she kept asking useless questions and she knew i didn't want to talk so i blew up in her face... i wanted to smack her across the face... like always... and who's side did they take?... mine... t'yeah right... if you believed me you're an idiot... of course they took her side... with kayla there is no other side... she owns them... and she knows it... i swear she's devil reincarnate... is that how you spell it??... anyways i spent her last days here in california with her... and i haven't really slept yet... i had small naps but that's it... sleep deprivention is not fun... i didn't sleep till six this morning... but soaking the last of everything was worth it... miguel (her son) made me feel so bad... this is the conversation (keep in mind he's only 5)
miguel: "ate, why are you puting on your shoes?"
me: "i'm leaving now"
miguel: "why?"
me: "because you're moving to michigan"
miguel: "but you don't have to leave... you can come with us"
me: *eyes begin to water*
miguel: "you can drive with us to michigan... i don't want you to leave ate!"
me: *borderlining complete hysterical bawling*
miguel: "you can leave your parents its okay..."
me: i wish *full on crying*
i seriously love that kid with all my heart... and while i was leaving... all i could think is this is the last of everything... i couldn't stand it... i became shattered and broken... and i did it in front of people... now i am trying to sleep, trying to deal with my pain... conor oberst is blasting through my room... i am trying to fix myself...
miguel: "ate, why are you puting on your shoes?"
me: "i'm leaving now"
miguel: "why?"
me: "because you're moving to michigan"
miguel: "but you don't have to leave... you can come with us"
me: *eyes begin to water*
miguel: "you can drive with us to michigan... i don't want you to leave ate!"
me: *borderlining complete hysterical bawling*
miguel: "you can leave your parents its okay..."
me: i wish *full on crying*
i seriously love that kid with all my heart... and while i was leaving... all i could think is this is the last of everything... i couldn't stand it... i became shattered and broken... and i did it in front of people... now i am trying to sleep, trying to deal with my pain... conor oberst is blasting through my room... i am trying to fix myself...