depressing music for the soul
i dont even know where things started to go wrong, why or when my life became this absurd joke that i have to wake up to and endure each day. i'm simply feeling sorry for myself, i know that. but feeling alone when you are alone has to be the worst mental state, at least it is to me. the strangest things make me cry, a random image provokes memories that trample over my heart. i repeatedly do the STUPIDEST things possible, and it seems like i'm always apologizing for one thing or another. even when i put effort towards being a better person, or just doing the right thing, i manage to fuck it up. year after year, my life doesnt get any better, and i have only myself to blame. i'm 23, unemployed, single, and unhappy. the things i look forward to each day prove to be a waste of time, but i'll be damned if i give up looking forward to those things because at least i have that.
the stupid thing is i know what it would take to get my life back on a good path, but have no desire to start. if i had to pin point what i believe brought me down, it would be my mental break down and hospitalization at 19. after that, everything changed. not that being diagnosed as bi polar ruined my life, i knew for a long time that there was something wrong with me mentally. but once the parade of medicines began, and the manic episodes continued to happen, i started to slip away. the person i used to be - irratic yes, but happy and friendly - slipped away and turned me into an emotional wreck. i fucked so much up and lost more than my mind.
i once had a good job, which lead me to an even better and higher paying job - which gave me the funds to become a drug addict loser. i tried so hard to hide my habit, lied and denied it because i was so ashamed of what a mess my life was. i spent more on drugs than anything else, when i could have had SO much more than a sack of shit that wouldnt last through the night. i made poor choices, i alienated myself from my friends and became this... person who i seriously despised, and when it came to getting clean there was no one there to lean on for support. i lost my wonderful job, caused us to lose our apartment, and lost the friends who meant more than anyone could understand. i hadn't intended to let it get so bad, but i doubt anyone does. i got clean for 3 months, and then relapsed... and found myself in jail. and even after being arrested, i found ways to continue to get high - living in a "sober" mental health house was a crock of shit (no pun intended), and eventually i had to move out of there because i didnt want to continue. thank god or whatever higher power for the charges being dropped, i was truly blessed after 6 months of court dates to be free... there were a few relapses even after all that, and even if it is "a part of recovery" i wish i could take back everything. even if living in the apartment was fun while it lasted, and even if i hadnt been arrested, i would give anything to erase it all.
i dont know why i'm finally writing about all of this now. when i find the time, maybe i'll type out some of my journal entries from those months. i dont think anyone realizes the insanity that took place in my mind during that time.
oh well... im tired of typing and i need to do the dishes.
the stupid thing is i know what it would take to get my life back on a good path, but have no desire to start. if i had to pin point what i believe brought me down, it would be my mental break down and hospitalization at 19. after that, everything changed. not that being diagnosed as bi polar ruined my life, i knew for a long time that there was something wrong with me mentally. but once the parade of medicines began, and the manic episodes continued to happen, i started to slip away. the person i used to be - irratic yes, but happy and friendly - slipped away and turned me into an emotional wreck. i fucked so much up and lost more than my mind.
i once had a good job, which lead me to an even better and higher paying job - which gave me the funds to become a drug addict loser. i tried so hard to hide my habit, lied and denied it because i was so ashamed of what a mess my life was. i spent more on drugs than anything else, when i could have had SO much more than a sack of shit that wouldnt last through the night. i made poor choices, i alienated myself from my friends and became this... person who i seriously despised, and when it came to getting clean there was no one there to lean on for support. i lost my wonderful job, caused us to lose our apartment, and lost the friends who meant more than anyone could understand. i hadn't intended to let it get so bad, but i doubt anyone does. i got clean for 3 months, and then relapsed... and found myself in jail. and even after being arrested, i found ways to continue to get high - living in a "sober" mental health house was a crock of shit (no pun intended), and eventually i had to move out of there because i didnt want to continue. thank god or whatever higher power for the charges being dropped, i was truly blessed after 6 months of court dates to be free... there were a few relapses even after all that, and even if it is "a part of recovery" i wish i could take back everything. even if living in the apartment was fun while it lasted, and even if i hadnt been arrested, i would give anything to erase it all.
i dont know why i'm finally writing about all of this now. when i find the time, maybe i'll type out some of my journal entries from those months. i dont think anyone realizes the insanity that took place in my mind during that time.
oh well... im tired of typing and i need to do the dishes.