venting: you don't care, but i need it out of my head.
oh wow. i saw James yesterday. i didn't say anything in fear of things being way too awkward for the time being. i'm positive he didn't see me though, which is a good thing. i got home and i had a new email from Chris, James's best friend - go figure. it had nothing to do with the sighting fom about 3 hours before, but it was just a friendly "hey, how's it going?" deal. it was nice, he just told me how everything's going, and how him, James, and Dom are doing. turns out James is in the process of filming some sort of a BMX video for ESPN, and that is so awesome, i am so proud of him for that. the thing that bothers me though: he's leaving for the Marines in june. i've got about 3 1/2 months to make things right. great. Chris keeps telling me to call him and that James would love to hear from me... but somehow, i just don't know how much truth there is to that. i am being so stupid, it has been so long. i can't believe i ended things with him just because someone else decided that they wanted to walk right back into my life after completely disappearing without a word for four months. i have regretted that so much, but still, i haven't made things right. what i did to him was so wrong, and i know i hurt him. i wish i could change the way all that went down, but i can't. he didn't deserve that, but i did it anyway. out of all people, i was the one to hurt him and let him down the most. i don't know what to do about this. it eats away at my mind every day, and it's not getting any easier to let go. it was a long time ago, i know i should be over it by now - but there's something there. something that is keeping me from being able to just forget about it. i know what it is... it's him. i had such a great thing going, and i fucked it all up. what a nicole thing to do, fuck it all up. great. i don't know. any ideas?