it happened to me.
Nobody really knows what it’s like, until they experience the situation for themselves. I know I never did. You generally know that rape is something bad. And you never want it to happen to you or your loved ones. But I never understood exactly how bad it was and how it could affect someone’s everyday life forever. Yes, forever. Because no matter how strong I claim to be, there isn’t a day that goes by that I haven’t thought about it 100 times. Rape is my obsession. My life is classified into 2 categories now. Pre-rape. And post-rape. I can’t get it out of my head. It’s constantly there. And that is just something I’m going to have to learn to deal with. To live with. And I am slowly but surely accepting that.
I’ve always been a strong independent woman. I’m a loner. I’ve never felt unsafe or threatened anywhere, especially in my own home. My whole sense of security was fucked over forever the night of August 28th 2008.
I was sleeping safe and sound in my own bed. In my own room. In my own locked, safe home, when I awoke to find my life change forever right before my very eyes. And there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing.
I’ve had people ask me “Why didn’t you run?!”
I was sleeping flat on my back and woke up to a 6'4, 220lb stranger holding me down. If it were you, do you think you could have “run”? I could barely move.
I’ve had people tell me “It could have been a lot worse.”
I know this. Things can ALWAYS be worse. But you have no room to talk until you’ve walked in my shoes. You have no idea what you are talking about.
Terrified. Threatened. Humiliated. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Guilty. Angry. Numb.
These are a few of the emotions rape has made me feel.
And even though I know it wasn’t my fault, I struggle everyday with different senario’s in my head that tell me maybe I lead him to believe it was ok. Because the man who raped me claims it was consensual. I fought him even though he said he had a gun and threatened to take my life, until he choked me. I couldn’t breathe. So I gave up. I stopped fighting and screaming and let it happen. And this is why he thinks it was consensual. And this is why I am tormented everyday. I stopped fighting and screaming.
I’m not going to lie, some days I wish he would have had a gun and took my life. That would have been so much easier. And some days I remember life isn’t supposed to be easy. If it is easy, then you aren’t doing your job. My father told me there can’t be a god. God wouldn’t have let this happen to me. And after thinking long and hard, I am sure there is a god. I’ve never been so sure in my life. My whole life god has challenged me. Tested me. And I was never sure why. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Well, I should be a fucking bullet by now. The man who hurt me has hurt other women in the past. None of them were strong enough to tell anyone. I am. I will make sure he is put away. He will never do this to another woman again. And I live to tell my story and help other women to know they are not alone. God knew I could handle this. God knows I am strong.
To those of you who have helped me through this, thank you. Thank you for your kind words, places to stay, shoulders to cry on, donations, pats on the back. It means more to me than I can ever express. I honestly couldn’t have done this without you.
To those of you who have come forward and shared your story with me, you may tell me I am the strong one, but you are stronger than you’ll ever believe for coming forward and talking about your experience. The more you talk about it, the easier it gets and the better you feel. You are not alone. You never have been. We need to take a stand as survivors of rape and tell our stories. It’s hard but if we don’t tell, injustice will continue to take place. We need to fight and pray and hope that someday the statistics will go down. The only way to achieve this is to take a stand! Speak out! And to encourage others to do the same. We can’t change the world in one day, but we have to start somewhere. Until then, my only advice is to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking. Sometimes it’s the only thing you can do.
I’ve always been a strong independent woman. I’m a loner. I’ve never felt unsafe or threatened anywhere, especially in my own home. My whole sense of security was fucked over forever the night of August 28th 2008.
I was sleeping safe and sound in my own bed. In my own room. In my own locked, safe home, when I awoke to find my life change forever right before my very eyes. And there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing.
I’ve had people ask me “Why didn’t you run?!”
I was sleeping flat on my back and woke up to a 6'4, 220lb stranger holding me down. If it were you, do you think you could have “run”? I could barely move.
I’ve had people tell me “It could have been a lot worse.”
I know this. Things can ALWAYS be worse. But you have no room to talk until you’ve walked in my shoes. You have no idea what you are talking about.
Terrified. Threatened. Humiliated. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Guilty. Angry. Numb.
These are a few of the emotions rape has made me feel.
And even though I know it wasn’t my fault, I struggle everyday with different senario’s in my head that tell me maybe I lead him to believe it was ok. Because the man who raped me claims it was consensual. I fought him even though he said he had a gun and threatened to take my life, until he choked me. I couldn’t breathe. So I gave up. I stopped fighting and screaming and let it happen. And this is why he thinks it was consensual. And this is why I am tormented everyday. I stopped fighting and screaming.
I’m not going to lie, some days I wish he would have had a gun and took my life. That would have been so much easier. And some days I remember life isn’t supposed to be easy. If it is easy, then you aren’t doing your job. My father told me there can’t be a god. God wouldn’t have let this happen to me. And after thinking long and hard, I am sure there is a god. I’ve never been so sure in my life. My whole life god has challenged me. Tested me. And I was never sure why. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Well, I should be a fucking bullet by now. The man who hurt me has hurt other women in the past. None of them were strong enough to tell anyone. I am. I will make sure he is put away. He will never do this to another woman again. And I live to tell my story and help other women to know they are not alone. God knew I could handle this. God knows I am strong.
To those of you who have helped me through this, thank you. Thank you for your kind words, places to stay, shoulders to cry on, donations, pats on the back. It means more to me than I can ever express. I honestly couldn’t have done this without you.
To those of you who have come forward and shared your story with me, you may tell me I am the strong one, but you are stronger than you’ll ever believe for coming forward and talking about your experience. The more you talk about it, the easier it gets and the better you feel. You are not alone. You never have been. We need to take a stand as survivors of rape and tell our stories. It’s hard but if we don’t tell, injustice will continue to take place. We need to fight and pray and hope that someday the statistics will go down. The only way to achieve this is to take a stand! Speak out! And to encourage others to do the same. We can’t change the world in one day, but we have to start somewhere. Until then, my only advice is to put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking. Sometimes it’s the only thing you can do.