We are all going down on this ship, we'll never make it home.
Most of the time I don't know what is best for me, but what I try to choose, I try to stay on that track, but I always get caught up looking back and rehashing my decisions and really trying to figure out what is best for me. Abstain from drinking/smoking and live a "pure" life....to get what, some sort of security when I die or to set a good example for people that don't give a shit about anything. The more I think about things, the less hope I seem to find and the more negatively I seem to perceive things. Whats the point of caring so much, if everyone else doesn't give two shits about it. I also don't understand when people are so fucked up in the head, that they have to seek revenge on others, why can't they just kill themselves if they feel so horribly about themselves. People are fucking selfish and its disgusting. It will happen to me, it will happen to you. I don't understand life and no one ever does, just because whenever I weigh things out, it never comes out right. I can say that some people have made sacrifices in their own lifes to make mine better, but whenever I want to do something in contrast to their beliefs or ideals, it is like I am stabbing them in the back or it disappoints them. But in reality, they shouldn't have a say in the life that I lead, does that make me selfish for doing what I want to do even though they have done various things for me, or does it make them selfish for trying to impose their beliefs on me because they think they deserve a piece of my life for what they have given. Sometimes I feel I am failing my parents if I don't succeed in life and go to college and make 100k a year and live in some house and raise a family and die. This life is unfathomable, there is never any certainty in anything we do, where will "fate" take me, am I making the "right" choices. Can someone tell me how we are supposed to be "united as one" when I can't even trust anyone with anything. Maybe one day things will all come out in the wash, as for now, I can't say that I really know what I want.