(no subject)

[xfullcolorguilt]

Tonight... had its ups and downs again... we didnt get to play till last and we ended up not having a pa in the end... so we played without singing... how fun? I really enjoyred the night till now. Im sitting here... confused and just everything is wrong. My friends never lift a finger to get rides home... and when they do... i dont get it from them. My dad had back surgery 2 days ago and he is out driving us around... and i feel like shit for making him do it. Now my parents are arguing and its all my fault. Theyve been telling me that I am the one who is making them this way and that they may even get a divorce. My dad has always been on my side in everything I love him more then anything i dont recall a time that he has yelled at me without apalogizing or without me doing something that i truely deserve to be yelled at for. Im so afraid right now... he is trying to get retirement for his back and right now... we arent doing as well financially as we always are... if something happens I wont be able to deal with it. I just wish that my "mom" would just understand that she needs to lighten up for once and realize that her constant yelling and bossing me around is ruining me completely emotionally and its making me tired and weak physically. I cant live this way anymore... I dont want to sound like im complaining... but its times like these... where i need someone to talk to... Some place to go to for shelter. Someone to comfort me. They have already told me that this is all my fault... well at least my mom has. How am i supposed to live knowing that its me who is doing this to my dad... when its clear that this is ALL my fault. This has made me a complete asshole to everyone because im so used to being yelled at never actually having a normal conversation with my mom in forever... i get home and just get yelled at all night... if im not perfect and if her house isnt perfect then i deserve this... I dont know whats going to happen. I dont care what happens to me... she can kick me out... throw me away... but i wont be able to live with myself ever knowing that it was me who did this to my dad. I guess i can say that if there was ever anyone who has always been there for it has been him... he is always there to take me places... give me money, talk to me, treat me as a son and a friend, let me live a normal life and know that he trusts me NO matter what i am doing and in the end i give him this... a piece of shit son that is causing so much terrible shit in his life. I dont know what i can do to help... maybe i should find some place to go to let him relax... anything i can do to help him I will... I cant let him live this way anymore. I cant let him live the piece of shit that I am... I want him to be happy... and ive gotten no where close to accomplishing this goal for him. Im given a perfect father that loves me and I dont know how i can let him see that without him... id be gone a long time ago... so im trying my hardest to keep him here happy as possible... and im doing the exact oppositte... i have to go goodnight...

"Father can you hear me?
How have I let you down?
Ive cursed the day that i was born
and all the sorrow in this world"

-Bad Religion