(no subject)
last night I went to the play, again. It was good, better than friday. But I think I pissed Tish off by arriving with Miranda and Joe when I told her that I wasn't going to her house to get ready and go to it, but w/e I just didn't want to be with a big group of people. Altho I did end up being with a big group. Tish, Soph, Dib, Molls and their frosh friend were behind me for the play. I dunno what's wrong with me, I used to LOVE doing stuff in big big groups, I would thrive to go to the mall with like 10+ people, but now I'd rather just hang out one-on-one with people. And there are only two people who I feel that I can get along with real well, like they've seen me in my worst times and I don't have to hide myself, I can be a total deek around them and they wont think anything of it. I guess you could say that they're my only real friends cuz it seems that I have to be so careful not to expose all of me when I'm around everybody else. I dunno its hard to explain but lately people have been just hurting me so much more than they used to and I kinda miss that protective shell I had. It was like I was caloused over, and used to everything and never thought much of it. But now it's like starting over from new because the things people say just cut so deep and its hard to get close to people that are constantly talking about u behind your back and pushing you down. It hard to say "I love you" back when that person had just been talking crap about you to somebody else. Maybe it's just me being a psyco, I don't really know. I guess I'm the one that's changed, but shouldn't real friends encourage ur growth, not surpress it? I don't understand why everybody is trying to force me back into that little box that I used to fit in. I used to love being the one everybody would talk to, I used to love having people tell me how cool, great, amazing I am. I wouldn't care if they were saying that about me cuz I had done something funny or because I wore the right shoes or w/e. Now its like I dont want anybody to tell me they love me or that I'm cool until they see me, all of me. All my flaws, all my misstakes, I want somebody who can love me after they've seen me at my worst, not somebody who will only love me at my best. Maybe I should stop complaining and just relish in the fact that people always say they love me, and never question them