(no subject)

[xfromtheashesx]

Jen from CA has really been on my mind alot lately. I only talk to her for like 5 minutes once a week, if even that. But I've been thinking about how much I deserved to have things with Ifer not work out because of how I obtained my relationship with her in the first place. I mean, for the first time in my life I really REALLY fucked somebody over, and I DO believe in Karma.... so I don't see how I could of expected anything else than a lead on to disaster. I think back to the days of when I was making my decision, but I wasn't making it with my heart... no no... I was making them with MY DICK at first. I mean, yeah I really did like Ifer, but the main factor was that she was here, and Jen wasn't. I needed affection, Jen wasn't even here yet and I was already under mad stress from the relationship. This was back when I actually took relationships seriously, so the fact that she cheated on me and i cheated on her back really bugged me. Jen never believed me, but her cheating on me with Patrick really was the prime reason everything went down hill.... i'd never been cheated on before, and even though it was a long distance relationship, i ALWAYS KNEW in my HEART that either I'd be living with her or she'd be living with me, that we'd be together. And ya know, I'm not the first to say that she's not the most attractive girl in the world, most of my friends found her butt ass ugly, but to me... she always had her cute features and even her SEXY features, and to me she was definately, and still is one of the purest greatest nicest people i've ever met, with a huge deep personality, alot of dreams, and nothing but unique ways to achieve and explore every aspect of her life. When I started dating Ifer though, as I spent more and more time with her, I remember I'd walk down to her house late at night, before I even really knew her parents, and stay outside, she'd have 4 or 5 candles lit up in the yard, and we'd just lay there talking, staring at the sky, cuddling or kissing. Those nights are really what made me fall for Ifer, and from then all the way until this year I never saw the mistake I had made, the wrong I had done. I always felt guilty cuz I knew Jen was in so much pain, but I could never put my finger on exactly what mistakes I made... was going out with Ifer a mistake or was I right to break up for a girl I was wildly in love with who had the same feelings for me, who was moving 3000 miles to come see me.... for a (at the time) shy 16 year old who met me poking my shoe. Maybe I shouldn't be dwelling on the past, but I just want to be a man, and admit right now. I was wrong, about everything. I should of never broke up with Jen to go out with Ifer.... I should of never came to the decision with the wrong things in mind.... even if I did truely love Ifer as the whole thing developed, the principle of the entire relationship was wrong. No wonder it didn't work out, no wonder I came out of it more beaten and battered than ever, and there definately shouldn't be even the slightest bit of question of why... to this day... i have this huge monkey on my back, nawing away at the vital organs in my neck.... slowly killing me, eating at my insides and outsides, slowly eating away at the remains in between. It is no wonder I feel so guilty, no wonder I feel so in shame, no wonder the forces of love became more angry at me than ever, and delt me the pain, reflecting everything I put Jen through back at me. I disappointed myself, I truely did. I'm still struggling to recover. That's why I've been on the DL, sitting in my room almost all the time, closing my eyes to focus away from the pain, the guilt, the tradgic ending to what was Cone.... a nickname, nicknames are only meant to be used for those who are great, powerful, respectful, honorable.... legendary. I don't want to be seen as that anymore, I'm not that anymore.... I'm just your ordinary guy.... hell even my hair aint all that far off from normal now... it's like Metallica selling out all over again (and anybody who likes St. Anger is a sad, sad person btw). I'm just SO close to just telling everyone to call me Chris, except I think a guy saying Chris sounds kind of like a Provincetown Resident saying "daddy give me a hot dog".... but still, I don't feel like Cone anymore, I fucked up... big time... and maybe even betrayed alot of people, blinded with my pain.... I cried around people who needed to see that I'm strong.... yelled at people who needed to know that I loved them..... and worst of all... I said a lot of "I LOVE YOU'S" to Ifer that should of been going to Jen from CA. Sometimes I wish I still lived in a day that I could call her up, right now, and talk to her like I used to. But those days are gone, I guess. Hell, I don't think I can even rep the I-Team Superstars anymore ;) That was for u Jen if u even read my lj anymore. But anyway, I'm gonna leave everyone with these words of wisdom.

Don't ever let the easier solution overcome the RIGHT solution.
It is Karma's pet peave, and you WILL pay.

Peace
||CoNE||