Actual Condition
1. This is my second year working here at the hotel. It's cool. I now see that my attitude has changed a lot comparing to last summer (when I started working here). I don't feel bitter inside, I honestly don't feel the urge to be mean to people. I just happen to see the good side of all these people I work with, not just their flaws. And I'm also glad because I haven't forced this at all; it's like a blessing from Buddha!
2. At the same time I feel a little down about not getting the job I wanted at the comic shop. I really needed to downscale a little and get out of the madness of my current working schedule. All the time it seems like everybody's chilling and having fun, and I'm working, missing out. How the hell did I get into this? I've got people telling me what to do, like ALL the time, and I'm just 1 person, alone, trying to do what I can...
3. I guess that's the point though...? You've got to make the best you can out of bad situations. In Buddism they say that when you don't get the things you want it's because:
a. you wouldn't be able to make proper use of them
b. you've got to experience some suffering (karma) in order to grow
These are comforting thoughts. Let's hope it's not lies because I'm putting all my faith here! I don't want anymore lies, I want Truth, I want Freedom! I think this is the real deal!
4. I'm slacking though. Instead of practising I've been going out, focusing on having fun, caring about the perimeter and neglecting the center. The problem is I am having so much fun! I guess I'm still so young, and therefore I feel like it's still okay to go out and drink and meet people and flirt and play with the band etc etc. So! What to do? I guess the answers will come when the right time comes...
Oh and here are some lyrics from the song "Actual Condition" by Husekr Du (from the album Warehouse: Songs and Stories, 1987)
Well the actual condition of my mind
Is elusive as the answers that I find
I keep going through transition
From doubt to indecision
It's the actual condition of my mind
Well the actual condition of my soul
Sometimes feels like being sucked into a hole
And I've come to this position
Regardless of religion
It's the actual condition of my soul
The actual condition of my heart
Feels like two hands that are ripping it apart
I keep losing definition
But still I keep on wishin'
It's the actual condition of my head
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Perfect~